Dangersquirrel vs the NFL

Well, we’re here. The season is over for most teams, and for the others, it’s just beginning. Head coaches are being fired or hired or Jerry Jones’d. There’s a lot to react to, but frankly I do not have the time, because the NFL is just awful and not how I want to spend my week visiting family in Colorado.

RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers, Broncos, Colts, Bears, Browns, Rams, Steelers, Raiders, Cowboys

CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, Packers, Seahawks, 49ers, Texans, Vikings, Titans, Eagles

Packers over Lions
The Packers needed a victory to keep their playoff bye and not cede it to the Saints. They let David Blough catch a TD on the opening drive the give Detroit a lead that they would hold until the final seconds of the game. The Packers end up sweeping the Lions for the season without ever holding a lead in 120 minutes of game time.

Saints kick the shit out of Panthers
Things seem to come easily to this Saints team. Yeah, the Panthers managed to force the ball to Christian McCaffrey enough times to make him the third player ever to have 1,000 yards rushing and receiving in the same season, but at the cost of confirming that neither Will Grier nor Kyle Allen can be their QB of the future, nor can Perry Fewell coach them into next season. Meanwhile, Michael Thomas catches everything, Jared Cook has found his groove, and the “Drew Brees’ injury will ultimately benefit the team by keeping him fresh for late in the season” narrative is as credible as ever. Shoutout to Kelli Simon for making me a bourbon chai during the game that was like 70% bourbon and 100% delicious.

Bears over Vikings
The Bears are still standing by Mitchell Trubisky. In the year of our lord who I don’t believe in two thousand and twenty, they think that it is good, smart football to keep unquestioningly sending Trubisky out to be their definitive QB1. For Real. Maybe there’s a reason the Bears have never had success based around a real quarterback.

Bengals embarrass Browns
The NFC North has been a two-tier division generally for the last two decades: the Steelers and Ravens are the Serious Teams, the Browns and Bengals are the Joke Teams. How much must it suck to be the Browns, and finally be poised to switch places with the Bengals and be the Joke Team that dominates the other Joke Team and flirts with success with occasional victories against the Serious Teams, while the Bengals look set to take up the Browns’ mantle as the league’s embarrassment/punching bag that can’t settle down on a QB or HC, and then end the season letting a 14-loss team kick your ass?

Chiefs over Chargers
I am enjoying Philip ‘Super Candid Doesn’t Give A Shit Over The Hill’ Rivers.

Justice over Patriots
Ryan Fitzpatrick should go to the Hall of Fame. Look, it’s not called the Hall of the Best Players, the supposed criterion for entry is “can you tell the story of the NFL without this player?” and do you really think you can accurately tell of the league without talking about Ryan ‘Has Now Beaten The Pats With All Three Of Their Division Opponents’ Fitzmagic? The dude’s a legend. Of course, Tom Brady did his part by throwing a TD to the Phins D for the first time in his career. Usually a Patriots loss comes with speculation about what 3D chess move Bill Belichick was making by losing the game, but this one is hard to figure. New England will now have to play the fucking Titans in the Wild Card round. And Bill seemingly decided to punish/mock his offense by foregoing the use of the resources at hand to try and score before the half. I will not accept the end of the Patriots Era (it’s more than a dynasty, unfortunately) until Bill and Tom are both gone, but I am cautiously optimistic [knocks on wood, crosses fingers, tosses salt over shoulder].

Fate over Jameis
You can’t write it better than this: Jameis Winston, on what should be his last chance to make a case for himself as a starter, is expected to break the tie between his moments of brilliance and his moments of idiocy under the tutelage of a coach that makes you think ‘if anyone could fix Jameis, it would be him.’ Instead, week 17 goes to overtime and promptly ends on a pick-6 that loses the game and leaves him with 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions on the season. You cannot. Make. This. Shit. Up.

Jets over Bills
This game didn’t really happen.

Broncos over Raiders #bless
The Oakland Raiders are no more, and their last act was losing to the Broncos. Looking forward to Drew Lock picking on the Las Vegas Raiders for years to come, god and/or Shelby Harris willing.

Rams ceremonial victory over Cardinals
They should move both of these teams back to St. Louis. Just to teach the league a lesson.

Jags fuck up the Colts
Gardner Minshew made a good case to start next season as Jacksonville’s QB1 and you know what? It’s what Jason Mendoza deserves. Meanwhile stock on the Colts’ plan of Jacoby Brissett Is Totally Starter Material is at an all time low.

Eagles are totally gonna lose this game — wait, no, they won over Giants!
Those suns of bitches they actually did it!! Carson Wentz and his merry band of misfits are going to host a damn playoff game. Beautiful. Did you know he’s the first QB to throw for over 4,000 yards without a 500-yard receiver? He’s throwing to pinecones out there and they won the division.

Cowboys over Washington BUT IT MEANT NOTHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
In the most Cowboys move possible, the Cowboys romped over Washington while their season slipped away, beyond their control because their exorbitant success this week fails to mask their embarrassing failure last week. I am writing this at midnight on Saturday and still we don’t really know what’s happening with Jason Garrett. Fuckin losers.

John Harbaugh over the Sort Of Steelers
It was really pretty amusing for the Steelers to lose to a Ravens team consisting of 2nd- and 3rd-stringers. Harbaugh just wanted it to be clear that he could beat Pittsburgh without even trying.

Titans sans Henry over Texans backups
Perhaps this would have been a hell of a game if the Texans had had anything to play for. But they put up little fight against a very motivated Titans team that in the win clinched the right to play in Foxborough in the Wild Card round.

49ers by inches over Seahawks
Last time it was the Seahawks who lucked out. This time, the 49ers didn’t get called on pass interference in the end zone in the final seconds, and the Seahawks took a delay of game on 3rd and goal from the 1. Russell Wilson and his tight end missed a connection by inches and then on 4th down a Seahawk was tackled less than an inch from the end zone. The conclusion we all could have hoped for the season. I feel like this series is still unfinished business, as neither team can say they truly fully earned their win in the split.

Underdogs: 3-1 (26-36) 
Locks: 7-1 (68-25-1)
Survivor: 12-5 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN, SF, IND, TEN
Title Belt: BAL defended from PIT (9 week reign)

The Raiders make the playoffs if:
Raiders win, Steelers lose, Titans lose, Colts win, Lakers lose, US hockey team ties USSR, Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, and Bernie is president.

I’m watching this week from Colorado. Last time I watched football there the Saints were robbed and the Pats were handed another super bowl and my mom was buried, so here’s hoping this one goes better.

Survivor: TEN
Locks: GB, NO, KC, NE, DEN, LAR, BAL, TEN
Underdogs: MIN, CIN, NYJ, BAL

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

The Patriots playoff rebirth seems inevitable again. Over half of teams face their last chance to make a case to move up. Or down.

Well, this is it. All of the playoff teams are determined except for the AFC 6 seed logjam and the NFC East suicide pact. All that remains of the regular season is one day, next Sunday. It’s convenient that the football season and the Julian calendar end at roughly the same time. Except time is an illusion.

RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers, Broncos, Colts, Bears, Browns, Rams

CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, Packers, Seahawks, 49ers, Texans, Vikings

Texans over Buccaneers
The Texans had some real issues but Jameis Winston turned in a classic game, throwing an interception on every other drive. The Texans clinch the AFC South and the Buccaneers are back into QB purgatory.

Patriots over Bills
This is why I am a football pessimist.

Niners over Rams
Another one down to the wire for the 49ers. Poor Rams have gotten some of their mojo back just barely too late.

Saints over Titans
The Titans were very competitive but eventually their injuries caught up to them. Stock is up on the narrative that having 6 weeks off in the middle of the season is to Drew Brees’ benefit.

Dolphins over Bengals
In the most Bengals conclusion, a Cincy team that shouldn’t have even been as close as it was scored a TD, converted for 2, recovered an onside kick, scored another TD with another 2point conversion to force overtime, waxed the clock to within 30 seconds of making the Tank Bowl end in a tie, and then gave up a huge play to let the Dolphins kick a game winning field goal. Oh well, my fantasy tight ends were Tyler Eiffert and Mike Gessicki so I can’t really complain.

Giants over Washington
Most needless overtime ever. Daniel Jones just had to throw 5 touchdowns and ruin my prediction. Fuck you, Daniel Jones.

Falcons over Jaguars
The Falcons have done this before: They’re ruining a perfectly good tank job by winning like 6 of their last 7. It’s what I would want my team to do.

Colts special teams over Panthers
The Colts had two return TDs. Almost beat me in fantasy football. One of those weird games that happens late in the year.

Ravens over Browns
The perfect game to highlight how blessed the Ravens have been since spiriting away to Baltimore, and how cursed the New Browns are. It will never, ever get better for them, and they’ll watch the Ravens win a one-off super bowl every ten or so years from now until the league dissolves.

Jets over Steelers
The Steelers always do this. I almost switched my pick, and I’m kicking myself for not doing it. Going on the road against a bad team with a playoff spot on the line? Of course Duck Hodges shat the bed and then Mason Dixon Rudolph got hurt so Duck went back in. Now the Steelers have to beat the Ravens B team and hope the Titans stub their toe against Houston to make the playoffs.

Broncos over LLLLLLLLions
The Lions have the longest streak in the NFL with 8 straight losses. The Broncos found a way to fall behind them by 10, but then they found a way to score on 5 straight possessions, including their first 4th quarter TDs in an embarrassingly long time. The way the Broncos’ season has gone, they get credit for a comeback, even against this shitshow.

LA Raiders over LA FC
Two disastrous teams without a home base. This was the sendoff the Raiders really deserved. With Phil Rivers’ status for next season in doubt, one wonders what the Chargers will look like when they open their new stadium.

Kardinals over Seahawks
All of the progress Arizona has made came together in one game to send the Seahawks back into the wild card spot. Seattle has 11 wins and a point differential of +12. Every running back on the Seahawks broke their leg in the last week so now they’re bringing back Beast Mode, which is extremely exciting and will probably end in disaster.

SUCK IT COWBOYS!!
The only thing more NFC East than the Eagles inexplicably dominating Dallas in this game is that next week the Cowboys will shut out Washington while Philly lets Daniel Jones throw 5 TDs again and then Seattle will have to go to Dallas for a playoff game because there is no god.

Chiefs over Bears
I gotta level with you, I forgot there was another game and didn’t even check the score of this one until my Hanukkah party was over. Solid decision by me.

Packers over Vikings
Mondays are now like 17-0 against Kirk Cousins. The Vikings laid a total egg on national TV at home against their biggest rivals in a division-deciding bout. That’s terrible. We knew it might be rough with Dalvin Cook and [Vikings RB2] out, but the Likes had like 2.5 first downs in the whole game and only scored because the Packers spent the first quarter playing The Football Is Lava. Neither team begs a lot of confidence as we speed into the playoffs.

Underdogs: 1-4 (23-35) 
Locks: 4-1 (61-24-1)
Survivor: 11-5 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN, SF, IND
Title Belt: BAL defended from CLE (8 week reign)

I guess we’ve hit the part of the season where I just don’t have the wherewithal to get posts out on time, because I don’t get paid to do this and have literally like 0.003 readers.

Survivor: IND
Locks: ATL, IND, BAL, DAL, KC
Underdogs: TB, BUF, TEN, MIA, DET

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Happy impeachment to all.

Several years ago I watched Peyton Manning break the career TD record. It was supposed to be unbreakable after Brett Favre retired but there we were, watching it happen. I was kinda emotional. At the time I really looked up to Peyton.
Now I know better. I know more about his past and I don’t see him with such rose colored glasses. He was so good at football but he was a real scumbag in a lot of way.
Tonight Drew Brees broke Peyton’s record. He’s had a lot of help from a Hall of Fame head coach and some incredible rosters, not to mention an incredible home field advantage at a turf site. But he also was overlooked from the beginning of his career as an atypically short passer, and was left for dead by the Chargers and passed up by the Dolphins before ending up in New Orleans just in time to be part of its most traumatic period since Lincoln was in office. He brought a hurting city the football legitimacy it had lacked for so long.
And yet, he also is… A bit of a scumbag. He hasn’t to my knowledge sexually assaulted a woman and then used his fame and family connections to ruin her career like Peyton, and I don’t think he’s lied about using HGH to recover from a neck injury and he didn’t use his few moments after winning the Super Bowl to awkwardly plug Bud Light, but he has worked very actively with terrible, bigoted, zealously anti-LGBTQIA+ organizations. He overhypes the US military more even than most in the NFL, and he actively promoted the NFL’s horribly racist takes on Colin Kaepernick and the movement he started.
It is hard to find heroes in football, because they have to excel both in being a good person, and in a sport that is inundated in a culture that is toxic and regressive. It’s almost like politics in that way — You can barely even get into a position with a national spotlight without inherently doing things that are to be frowned upon.

But thank god Tom Brady didn’t break the record first. I hope he never gets it. Keep throwing touchdowns, Drew, and keep your damn mouth shut about Kaep and your white supremacist takes on the Bible and all that bullshit.

RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers, Broncos, Colts, Bears

CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, Packers, Seahawks, 49ers

Ravens over Jets
The Ravens got back to blowing teams up in every possible way. I’m just glad this year’s Fun Team is one I can wholeheartedly get behind!

Packers over Bears
Another uninspiring outing by the somehow unbeatable Packers. They almost let Mitchell Trubisky lead a comeback. But instead Green Bay clinch and Chicago are eliminated and we’re still wondering what exactly is the Packers’ calling card? What’s their ceiling? If they pull some bullshit like beating the Seahawks at Lambeau and then the Niners in Santa Clara and then they get beat by the Pats in the Super Bowl I will be Mad.

Snow over Chiefs over Broncos
I don’t even give a fuck that we lost (pretty badly) because there was SNOW!!!! 😀 But also we have to take a chill pill. Yeah, it sucked watching a TE blow us up in the snow after what we went through in the Vance Joseph era. And I don’t know if any team has been personally victimized by Patrick Mahomes more than the Broncos (maybe the Patriots? Good.) But we were only a couple plays away from that being at least a 13-20 game, in a really really tough spot. Sometimes it’s rough as a rebuilding team, and we haven’t experienced that a lot, but we have so much more to build on right now than we have in the last three years.

Seahawks over Panthers
A Pyrrhic victory for the Seahawks, losing a handful of guys including Quandre Diggs. Add that to players like Rashaad Penny and Jadeveon Clowney being out already and a suspension for Josh Gordon. If the Seahawks end up the NFC’s #1 seed, it’ll be a tenuous position for them.

Buccaneers over Detroit
Jameis Winston has thrown for almost a thousand passing yards in the last two weeks, with Mike Evans and Chris Godwin not healthy, and he is still not really a starting QB.

Giants over Dolphins
Eli Manning is back to .500 and now has thrown an interception to every team other than the Giants in the league. The Dolphins could still end up with the #1 pick.

Eagles over R******s
An exciting, down to the wire game, which is not what the Eagles would have wanted. First signs of life from Dwayne Haskins. That Cowboys/Eagles game for the division is still on!

Patriots over The Marks
Yeah, so, why would the Patriots need to spy on these fools, again?

Texans over Titans
The whole division may very well come down to a couple of plays from this game. None of us really care.

Cardinals over Browns
Because of course.

Jaguars over Raiders
The most Raiders thing imaginable was coughing up this win in the final two minutes. They’re done with Oakland and frankly I hope Oakland is done with them.

Vikings over Chargers
Another Pyrrhic victory: The Vikings blow out the Chargers, but they lose Dalvin Cook the week before their Monday Night (uh oh) date with Aaron Rodgers.

Falcons at the last second over 49ers
An incredible comeback from the Falcons, which feeds into some weird SBLI narratives. The last two minutes of the game took nine hours, and included a properly-reviewed overturned TD, followed by a properly-reviewed overturned non-TD.

Cowboys over Rams goddamnit
I fucking give up. Fuck this shit.

Bills over Steelers
A game that was exactly what we thought it would be, finally! Except I thought the Steelers would get like a pick-6 or something so… My bad.

Saints over Colts
A total dismantling by Drew Brees. It’s the most Brees shit ever to break the all time career TDs record and the single game completion percentage record and the consecutive completions record in the same game. He went 29/30! For fuck’s sake!

Underdogs: 1-1 (22-31) 
Locks: 4-2 (57-23-1)
Survivor: 10-5 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN, SF
Title Belt: BAL defended from NYJ (7 week reign)

So the Patriots were filming something, eh? Look, I know I’m the least objective person to analyze the Patriots, but the only conclusion I can see through the swirl of narratives is that even though spying so blatantly here would be far too stupid of a move for Belichick to do, that organization has earned 0 benefit of the doubt, and has to be punished for not making sure that their filming was beyond reproach.

So Leveon Bell was out bowling while he was inactive for a game, eh? Maybe before declaring him selfish or lazy, consider that he WANTED TO PLAY and was TOLD HE CAN’T BY TEAM MEDICAL STAFF and that BOWLING IS ABOUT 7,000,000 TIMES LESS PHYSICALLY DEMANDING THAN AN NFL GAME!!

Survivor: SF
Locks: BAL, TB, NE, MIN, SF, LAR
Underdogs: HOU, MIA

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Blurb

Every week I lay out these posts before I write them and at the top I put the word “blurb” and one day I’m gonna forget to write one and the top of the post will just say “blurb.”

RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers

CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs

Bears over Cowboys
Nobody wants to win the NFC East and the Bears won’t just put their fans out of their misery.

49ers over Saints 😦
I have to admit it was a fun game, but the final play to George Kittle was a heartbreaking play that just reminded me and the rest of the Saints fanbase of the handful of devastating, game-losing playoff plays that have gone against the Saints in the last several years. Hard not to feel like that’s how this all ends. Again.

Broncos over Texans!!!!
Texans blow out Patriots + Broncos blow out Texans = Broncos>Patriots, right? I don’t want to overreact to two games, but I do want to let myself get excited about Drew Lock. If nothing else, he broke our year+ of viewing 24 points as a hard cap.

Packers over Washington
The general consensus is that the Packers are paper tigers. The 5-point result here does seem to support that.

Browns over Bengals
Even when they’re winning the Browns are a disaster. If OBJ forces himself out after one year, uh… What the hell?

Buccaneers over Colts
This game was exactly what I thought it would be: a shitshow.

Jets kinda over Dolphins
Leave it to these teams to combine for the most field goals in a game without a touchdown in the super bowl era. The final one was a game-winner for the Jets set up by a pass interference replay that did happen, but would not in a million years have been overturned just two weeks ago.

Vikings over Lions
Just another day at the office for Minnesota. The real shit gets going next week.

Falcons over hollowed corpse of the Panthers
Panthers players actively called out the coaching, so maybe Ron Rivera was okay?

Ravens over Bills
The narrow victories over the 49ers and Bills are more impressive to me than their blowouts over the Texans and Patriots. The Bills keeping it close in Baltimore is more impressive than beating the Cowboys.

Chargers over Jaguars ha
Called it.

Chiefs over Patriots!!
Again, this is just bulletin board material.

Steelers over Cardinals
Because Pittsburgh can’t fathom getting eliminated before week 16 at least.

Titans over Raiders
If I’d known Josh Jacobs would be out I wouldn’t have picked the Raiders.

Rams over Seahawks
The Rams have figured out their O line and gotten their WR corps healthy, and Todd Gurley seems to be able to handle more touches again. So this team is legit.

Eagles over ManningFace
Of course it came down to OT against the Eagles to give Eli a career losing record.

Underdogs: 2-2 (21-30) 
Locks: 4-1 (53-21-1)
Survivor: 10-4 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN
Title Belt: BAL defended from BUF (6 week reign)