Dangersquirrel vs the NFL

Full schedule breakdown here

San Francisco 49ers 
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #2
Q3 Prediction: 13-3 #2 
Record: 13-3 #1
Grade: A
Iconic moment: Stopping the Seahawks on the goalline to win the #1 seed
Playoff role: The home warriors

Seattle Seahawks 
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2
Q2 Prediction: 12-4 #6
Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #5 
Record: 11-5 #5
Grade: B+
Iconic moment: Clandestine win in San Francisco
Playoff role: The team with a shamrock up its ass

Los Angeles Rams 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #2
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Q2 Prediction: 11-5
Q3 Prediction: 7-9 
Record: 9-7
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: The one time they looked like their old selves at home against Seattle
Cause of Death: Attrition

Arizona Cardinals 
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 3-12-1
Q2 Prediction: 4-11-1
Q3 Prediction: 4-11-1 
Record: 5-10-1
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: Tying the Lions in week 1
Cause of Death: Youth

Full schedule breakdown here

Philadelphia Eagles 
Preseason prediction: 12-4
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Q2 Prediction: 10-6
Q3 Prediction: 9-7 
Record: 8-8 #4
Grade: C
Iconic moment: Snatching the division from Dallas in week 16
Playoff role: The How Did They Get In Here team

Dallas Cowboys 
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #6
Q2 Prediction: 10-6 #4
Q3 Prediction: 10-6 #4 
Record: 8-8
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Coughing up the season to Philly in week 16
Cause of death: Karma

New York Giants 
Preseason prediction: 4-12
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 5-11
Q3 Prediction: 4-12 
Record: 4-12
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Moving on from Eli
Cause of death: Rookie-QB-itis

Washington Potatoes 
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 3-13
Q2 Prediction: 1-15
Q3 Prediction: 3-13 
Record: 3-13
Grade: F
Iconic moment: Getting shut out by the Niners at home in the slip-and-slide game
Cause of death: General incompetence

Full schedule breakdown here

New Orleans Saints 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #1
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #1
Q3 Prediction: 13-3 #1 
Record: 13-3 #3
Grade: A-
Iconic moment: Drew Brees breaking the all-time TD record
Playoff role: The Cursed Ones/The second team to ever go 13-3 and not get a bye in the playoffs (the first one was also the Saints)

Atlanta Falcons 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #6
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Q2 Prediction: 3-13
Q3 Prediction: 4-12 
Record: 7-9
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: Beating the Saints off the bye to start their draft-ruining winning streak
Cause of Death: It’s honestly still kind of a mystery?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 7-9
Q2 Prediction: 4-12
Q3 Prediction: 7-9 
Record: 7-9
Grade: D+
Iconic moment: Jameis’ 30/30 race ending in an OT pick-6
Cause of Death: The dude threw 30 INTs, people. And that’s not even mentioning the fumbles!

Carolina Panthers 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #4
Q1 Prediction: 7-9
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Q3 Prediction: 9-7 
Record: 5-11
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Christian McCaffrey becoming the 3rd player with 1,000 rushing and receiving yards in a season
Cause of Death: The plan for if Cam got injured was just to implode, so he did, and they did.

Full schedule breakdown here

Green Bay Packers 
Preseason prediction: 10-6
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #4
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #3
Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #3 
Record: 13-3 #2
Grade: B
Iconic moment: Two game-winning field goals against the Lions
Playoff role: Most overrated 2 seed in recent memory

Minnesota Vikings 
Preseason prediction: 8-8
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #5
Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #6 
Record: 10-6 #6
Grade: B-
Iconic moment: Coming back from a 20-0 halftime deficit against the Broncos
Playoff role: Source of Monkey Off His Back references

Chicago Bears 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #3
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5
Q2 Prediction: 6-10
Q3 Prediction: 6-10 
Record: 8-8
Grade: D+
Iconic moment: Clowning the Cowboys on Thursday Night Football
Cause of death: Believing in Mitchell Trubisky

Detroit Lions 
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 8-7-1
Q2 Prediction: 8-7-1
Q3 Prediction: 3-12-1 
Record: 3-12-1
Grade: D-
Iconic moment: Tying the Cardinals in week 1
Cause of death: Matt Patricia would like you to believe that it’s Matt Stafford’s back injuries, but… It’s Matt Patricia.

Full schedule breakdown here

Kansas City Chiefs 
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #3
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2
Q2 Prediction: 10-6 #4
Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #2 
Record: 12-4 #2
Grade: B+
Iconic moment: Dominating the Patriots
Playoff role: The Maybe This Times

Denver Broncos
Preseason prediction: 8-8
Q1 Prediction: 4-12
Q2 Prediction: 5-11
Q3 Prediction: 5-11 
Record: 7-9
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: Drew Lock lighting up the Texans in his first road start
Cause of Death: Literally two bad roughing the passer calls

Las Vegas Raiders 
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 5-11
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Q3 Prediction: 8-8 
Record: 7-9
Grade: D+
Iconic moment: Those two weeks that we thought they might be a playoff team before they totally shat the bed
Cause of Death: Gruden’d themselves

Los Angeles Chargers 
Preseason prediction: 10-6
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 4-12
Q3 Prediction: 6-10 
Record: 5-11
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Kicking Aaron Rodgers’ ass in front of the 30 people who showed up to their game. 13 people if you don’t count Packers fans.
Cause of Death: Death of Philip Rivers

Full schedule breakdown here

New England Patriots 
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #1
Q1 Prediction: 14-2 #1
Q2 Prediction: 14-2 #1
Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #3 
Record: 12-4 #3
Grade: B-
Iconic moment: Getting fitzmagic’d into the Wild Card round for the first time since the Hayes administration
Playoff role: The inevitable – unless it’s not

Buffalo Bills 
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5
Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #5
Q3 Prediction: 11-5 #5 
Record: 10-6 #5
Grade: B+
Iconic moment: Clowning the Cowboys on Thanksgiving
Playoff role: The lovable goofball underdogs

New York Jets 
Preseason prediction: 9-7
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Q2 Prediction: 5-11
Q3 Prediction: 7-9 
Record: 7-9
Grade: C
Iconic moment: Sam Darnold: Mono
Cause of death: Brutal early schedule that killed their chances before they could get going

Miami Dolphins 
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 0-16
Q2 Prediction: 1-15
Q3 Prediction: 2-14 
Record: 5-11
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Fitz. Fucking. Patrick.
Cause of death: Deciding not to try to live

Full schedule breakdown here

Houston Texans 
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #4
Q2 Prediction: 9-7 #6
Q3 Prediction: 11-5 #4 
Record: 10-6 #4
Grade: B+
Iconic moment: Dominating the Patriots (finally)
Playoff role: The ceremonial Saturday early game wild card host

Tennessee Titans 
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 5-11
Q2 Prediction: 6-10
Q3 Prediction: 8-8 
Record: 9-7 #6
Grade: B
Iconic moment: Benching Mariota for Tannehill and for some reason that made them a playoff team
Playoff role: The Wild Card team nobody wants to play

Indianapolis Colts 
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #2
Q3 Prediction: 9-7 #6 
Record: 7-9
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: Andrew Luck’s premature retirement
Cause of Death: Andrew Luck’s premature retirement

Jacksonville Jaguars 
Preseason prediction: 7-9 #4
Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #6
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Q3 Prediction: 5-11
Record: 6-10
Grade: D+
Iconic moment: Gardner Minshew’s first press conference
Cause of Death: Lack of direction/organizational chaos

Full schedule breakdown here

Baltimore Ravens 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Q3 Prediction: 14-2 #1 
Record: 14-2 #1
Grade: A+
Iconic moment: Dominating the Patriots to begin a month of romping over playoff teams
Playoff role: The Favourite

Pittsburgh Steelers 
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #2
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Q2 Prediction: 6-10
Q3 Prediction: 7-9 
Record: 8-8
Grade: C-
Iconic moment: Mason Rudolph getting involuntary brain surgery from Myles Garrett
Cause of Death: Sudden realization that they have to also play offense

Cleveland Browns 
Preseason prediction: 10-6 #6
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Q3 Prediction: 8-8 
Record: 6-10
Grade: D
Iconic moment: Players begging other teams to come save them. From the team they willingly agreed to play for in exchange for millions and millions of dollars.
Cause of Death: Impatience

Cincinnati Bengals 
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 4-12
Q2 Prediction: 2-14
Q3 Prediction: 2-14 
Record: 2-14
Grade: F
Iconic moment: Flipping Cleveland the bird by beating them in the last game for no reason
Cause of Death: Institutional complacency coming home to roost

Oh hey, I got engaged. Football is stupid.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Most of the bottom half of the league finds their final resting place until the draft. Some teams will move depending on coach hirings and whatnot but in general this is the final verdict. It’s tempting to move NOLA up to 1 or Detroit down to 32, but the Ravens shouldn’t move down in a week where their starters rested, and the Lions’ QB plan of Hope Matt Stafford Still Has A Spine In 8 Months is better than the Bengals’ QB plan of Draft Joe Burrow And Hope He Can Make Something Out Of This Roster.