Well, we’re here. The season is over for most teams, and for the others, it’s just beginning. Head coaches are being fired or hired or Jerry Jones’d. There’s a lot to react to, but frankly I do not have the time, because the NFL is just awful and not how I want to spend my week visiting family in Colorado.
RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers, Broncos, Colts, Bears, Browns, Rams, Steelers, Raiders, Cowboys
CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, Packers, Seahawks, 49ers, Texans, Vikings, Titans, Eagles
Packers over Lions
The Packers needed a victory to keep their playoff bye and not cede it to the Saints. They let David Blough catch a TD on the opening drive the give Detroit a lead that they would hold until the final seconds of the game. The Packers end up sweeping the Lions for the season without ever holding a lead in 120 minutes of game time.
Saints kick the shit out of Panthers
Things seem to come easily to this Saints team. Yeah, the Panthers managed to force the ball to Christian McCaffrey enough times to make him the third player ever to have 1,000 yards rushing and receiving in the same season, but at the cost of confirming that neither Will Grier nor Kyle Allen can be their QB of the future, nor can Perry Fewell coach them into next season. Meanwhile, Michael Thomas catches everything, Jared Cook has found his groove, and the “Drew Brees’ injury will ultimately benefit the team by keeping him fresh for late in the season” narrative is as credible as ever. Shoutout to Kelli Simon for making me a bourbon chai during the game that was like 70% bourbon and 100% delicious.
Bears over Vikings
The Bears are still standing by Mitchell Trubisky. In the year of our lord who I don’t believe in two thousand and twenty, they think that it is good, smart football to keep unquestioningly sending Trubisky out to be their definitive QB1. For Real. Maybe there’s a reason the Bears have never had success based around a real quarterback.
Bengals embarrass Browns
The NFC North has been a two-tier division generally for the last two decades: the Steelers and Ravens are the Serious Teams, the Browns and Bengals are the Joke Teams. How much must it suck to be the Browns, and finally be poised to switch places with the Bengals and be the Joke Team that dominates the other Joke Team and flirts with success with occasional victories against the Serious Teams, while the Bengals look set to take up the Browns’ mantle as the league’s embarrassment/punching bag that can’t settle down on a QB or HC, and then end the season letting a 14-loss team kick your ass?
Chiefs over Chargers
I am enjoying Philip ‘Super Candid Doesn’t Give A Shit Over The Hill’ Rivers.
Justice over Patriots
Ryan Fitzpatrick should go to the Hall of Fame. Look, it’s not called the Hall of the Best Players, the supposed criterion for entry is “can you tell the story of the NFL without this player?” and do you really think you can accurately tell of the league without talking about Ryan ‘Has Now Beaten The Pats With All Three Of Their Division Opponents’ Fitzmagic? The dude’s a legend. Of course, Tom Brady did his part by throwing a TD to the Phins D for the first time in his career. Usually a Patriots loss comes with speculation about what 3D chess move Bill Belichick was making by losing the game, but this one is hard to figure. New England will now have to play the fucking Titans in the Wild Card round. And Bill seemingly decided to punish/mock his offense by foregoing the use of the resources at hand to try and score before the half. I will not accept the end of the Patriots Era (it’s more than a dynasty, unfortunately) until Bill and Tom are both gone, but I am cautiously optimistic [knocks on wood, crosses fingers, tosses salt over shoulder].
Fate over Jameis
You can’t write it better than this: Jameis Winston, on what should be his last chance to make a case for himself as a starter, is expected to break the tie between his moments of brilliance and his moments of idiocy under the tutelage of a coach that makes you think ‘if anyone could fix Jameis, it would be him.’ Instead, week 17 goes to overtime and promptly ends on a pick-6 that loses the game and leaves him with 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions on the season. You cannot. Make. This. Shit. Up.
Jets over Bills
This game didn’t really happen.
Broncos over Raiders #bless
The Oakland Raiders are no more, and their last act was losing to the Broncos. Looking forward to Drew Lock picking on the Las Vegas Raiders for years to come, god and/or Shelby Harris willing.
Rams ceremonial victory over Cardinals
They should move both of these teams back to St. Louis. Just to teach the league a lesson.
Jags fuck up the Colts
Gardner Minshew made a good case to start next season as Jacksonville’s QB1 and you know what? It’s what Jason Mendoza deserves. Meanwhile stock on the Colts’ plan of Jacoby Brissett Is Totally Starter Material is at an all time low.
Eagles are totally gonna lose this game — wait, no, they won over Giants!
Those suns of bitches they actually did it!! Carson Wentz and his merry band of misfits are going to host a damn playoff game. Beautiful. Did you know he’s the first QB to throw for over 4,000 yards without a 500-yard receiver? He’s throwing to pinecones out there and they won the division.
Cowboys over Washington BUT IT MEANT NOTHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
In the most Cowboys move possible, the Cowboys romped over Washington while their season slipped away, beyond their control because their exorbitant success this week fails to mask their embarrassing failure last week. I am writing this at midnight on Saturday and still we don’t really know what’s happening with Jason Garrett. Fuckin losers.
John Harbaugh over the Sort Of Steelers
It was really pretty amusing for the Steelers to lose to a Ravens team consisting of 2nd- and 3rd-stringers. Harbaugh just wanted it to be clear that he could beat Pittsburgh without even trying.
Titans sans Henry over Texans backups
Perhaps this would have been a hell of a game if the Texans had had anything to play for. But they put up little fight against a very motivated Titans team that in the win clinched the right to play in Foxborough in the Wild Card round.
49ers by inches over Seahawks
Last time it was the Seahawks who lucked out. This time, the 49ers didn’t get called on pass interference in the end zone in the final seconds, and the Seahawks took a delay of game on 3rd and goal from the 1. Russell Wilson and his tight end missed a connection by inches and then on 4th down a Seahawk was tackled less than an inch from the end zone. The conclusion we all could have hoped for the season. I feel like this series is still unfinished business, as neither team can say they truly fully earned their win in the split.
Underdogs: 3-1 (26-36)
Locks: 7-1 (68-25-1)
Survivor: 12-5 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN, SF, IND, TEN
Title Belt: BAL defended from PIT (9 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 