Well, this is it. All of the playoff teams are determined except for the AFC 6 seed logjam and the NFC East suicide pact. All that remains of the regular season is one day, next Sunday. It’s convenient that the football season and the Julian calendar end at roughly the same time. Except time is an illusion.
RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars, Washington, Buccaneers, Panthers, Broncos, Colts, Bears, Browns, Rams
CLINCHED:
Saints, Ravens, Chiefs, Patriots, Bills, Packers, Seahawks, 49ers, Texans, Vikings
Texans over Buccaneers
The Texans had some real issues but Jameis Winston turned in a classic game, throwing an interception on every other drive. The Texans clinch the AFC South and the Buccaneers are back into QB purgatory.
Patriots over Bills
This is why I am a football pessimist.
Niners over Rams
Another one down to the wire for the 49ers. Poor Rams have gotten some of their mojo back just barely too late.
Saints over Titans
The Titans were very competitive but eventually their injuries caught up to them. Stock is up on the narrative that having 6 weeks off in the middle of the season is to Drew Brees’ benefit.
Dolphins over Bengals
In the most Bengals conclusion, a Cincy team that shouldn’t have even been as close as it was scored a TD, converted for 2, recovered an onside kick, scored another TD with another 2point conversion to force overtime, waxed the clock to within 30 seconds of making the Tank Bowl end in a tie, and then gave up a huge play to let the Dolphins kick a game winning field goal. Oh well, my fantasy tight ends were Tyler Eiffert and Mike Gessicki so I can’t really complain.
Giants over Washington
Most needless overtime ever. Daniel Jones just had to throw 5 touchdowns and ruin my prediction. Fuck you, Daniel Jones.
Falcons over Jaguars
The Falcons have done this before: They’re ruining a perfectly good tank job by winning like 6 of their last 7. It’s what I would want my team to do.
Colts special teams over Panthers
The Colts had two return TDs. Almost beat me in fantasy football. One of those weird games that happens late in the year.
Ravens over Browns
The perfect game to highlight how blessed the Ravens have been since spiriting away to Baltimore, and how cursed the New Browns are. It will never, ever get better for them, and they’ll watch the Ravens win a one-off super bowl every ten or so years from now until the league dissolves.
Jets over Steelers
The Steelers always do this. I almost switched my pick, and I’m kicking myself for not doing it. Going on the road against a bad team with a playoff spot on the line? Of course Duck Hodges shat the bed and then Mason Dixon Rudolph got hurt so Duck went back in. Now the Steelers have to beat the Ravens B team and hope the Titans stub their toe against Houston to make the playoffs.
Broncos over LLLLLLLLions
The Lions have the longest streak in the NFL with 8 straight losses. The Broncos found a way to fall behind them by 10, but then they found a way to score on 5 straight possessions, including their first 4th quarter TDs in an embarrassingly long time. The way the Broncos’ season has gone, they get credit for a comeback, even against this shitshow.
LA Raiders over LA FC
Two disastrous teams without a home base. This was the sendoff the Raiders really deserved. With Phil Rivers’ status for next season in doubt, one wonders what the Chargers will look like when they open their new stadium.
Kardinals over Seahawks
All of the progress Arizona has made came together in one game to send the Seahawks back into the wild card spot. Seattle has 11 wins and a point differential of +12. Every running back on the Seahawks broke their leg in the last week so now they’re bringing back Beast Mode, which is extremely exciting and will probably end in disaster.
SUCK IT COWBOYS!!
The only thing more NFC East than the Eagles inexplicably dominating Dallas in this game is that next week the Cowboys will shut out Washington while Philly lets Daniel Jones throw 5 TDs again and then Seattle will have to go to Dallas for a playoff game because there is no god.
Chiefs over Bears
I gotta level with you, I forgot there was another game and didn’t even check the score of this one until my Hanukkah party was over. Solid decision by me.
Packers over Vikings
Mondays are now like 17-0 against Kirk Cousins. The Vikings laid a total egg on national TV at home against their biggest rivals in a division-deciding bout. That’s terrible. We knew it might be rough with Dalvin Cook and [Vikings RB2] out, but the Likes had like 2.5 first downs in the whole game and only scored because the Packers spent the first quarter playing The Football Is Lava. Neither team begs a lot of confidence as we speed into the playoffs.
Underdogs: 1-4 (23-35)
Locks: 4-1 (61-24-1)
Survivor: 11-5 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ, MIN, SF, IND
Title Belt: BAL defended from CLE (8 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 