Dangersquirrel vs the NFL

Would it be weird to just talk to my new therapist about the Seahawks game this week?

Rrrrrrrrrraidahs over Chargers
I’m a big enough person to find it nice that the Raiders got a big time win in their last nationally televised game in Oakland. I have to begrudgingly admit that at least some of what Gruden and Mayock have done with this roster has, somehow, worked. If they do make the playoffs I hope they go the full mile by taking the division from KC so they can say goodbye to the fans by losing at home to the Bills in the Wild Card round.

Falcons over Aints
Whatever cursed monkey paw made the Falcons and Saints switch bodies, I hope its powers only last a week, and that Marshon Lattimore isn’t out for a long time, and that Drew Brees isn’t too old to keep defenses backed off.

Browns over Bills
I was wrong about the Bills. Their offense really is a problem. When you keep an opponent from scoring on about 25 plays inside the 5 over the course of a game, you should be able to muster enough points to beat them. It shouldn’t have taken the field goal that Buffalo missed. Which, BTW, is a concern in and of itself.

Buccaneers over Cardinals
Nice of both teams to pay tribute to Bruce Arians’ face with their uniform colors.

Titans over Chiefs
Son of a bitch, I knew it. I fucking knew it. Goddamnit. Nobody knows how to throw a win in the garbage disposal like Andy Reid.

Jets over Giants
Not often you get a mutual home game in the NFL. The Giants have to wait another 4 years to try and win the right to the New York market back. These are the rules as agreed upon in the Rutherford Accords.

Bears over Lions
Don’t act too shocked but turns out the Lions are garbage when you replace Matt Stafford with *checks notes* Jeff… Driscoll?

Ravens over Bengals
I’m kind of scared of Lamar Jackson because I know NFL fans don’t have enough good karma built up to deserve him. There is some kind of retribution coming to even the score. Beware.

Dolphins over Colts
Don’t act too shocked but turns out the Colts are garbage when you replace Jake Brisket with *checks notes* Butt… Hoyer?

Steelers over Rams
I should have listened to my instincts! Minkah Fitzpatrick has already justified the trade for him and he’s only been in Pittsburgh for 5 games. Mason Rudolph’s ceiling is probably sneaking a playoff win in Oakland or something. The Rams’ is probably finishing third in their division and losing the last wild card spot to the Vikings.

Packers over Panthers
The refs could at least have called that McCaffrey run at the end a TD so Carolina could fail the conversion and lose by 2 and cover the spread. The Packers might be fools gold but as long as they keep winning entertaining snow games I’m all in.

Vikings over Dallas
I just love all the ways the Cowboys are finding to lose! It’s thrilling!

Seahawks over 49ers
Champagne day! I cannot speak for this game. If you saw it, you understand. If you didn’t, you missed out. Go watch it. It was art.

Underdogs: 2-2 (14-20)
Locks: 1-4 (37-15-1) 
Survivor: 7-3 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Finalist: CIN (0-9)
Title Belt: BAL defended emphatically from CIN (2 week reign)

It is not okay to start christmas on November 1. It’s just not. At this rate my christmas fatigue is going to set in before Thanksgiving and I just cannot handle it. I am really, really trying this year to not get too negative about it, which is pretty damn hard when on top of hating the “holiday season” it is also marking the one year anniversary of my mom going into hospice care. But she loved so much about the “holidays” and so does my beloved partner so please, please can you stop playing the stupid music and airing the stupid commercials and complaining about the stupid difference between “happy ‘holidays'” and “merry christmas” and streaming the stupid movies and for the love of god stop with the commercials, at least until like the Monday before Thanksgiving? It is for the good of all of us. The holiday season should mean lots of eggnog and snow, a few new flavors of Starbucks coffee served in derpy red cups with decorations that are supposed to be generic even though they still only really apply to Christmas, inviting a few friends over to read Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins on the last night of Hanukkah, and then we all just start wishing daylight savings would end.

I spent all morning adjusting my picks because of injury news and whatnot, so, you’re welcome to my 0 readers for putting in the effort.

Survivor: NO
Locks: NO, BUF, NYG, BAL, IND
Underdogs: OAK, BUF, SEA, CAR

Dead Eyes, Eat Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Well, we have a new last place team, and the Bengals become the second team to occupy both my top and bottom spot at some point since I started doing power rankings in the Tebow era. Lots of teams leap the Patriots who fail their Real Opponent Test.

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Niners over Cards
Props to the Cardinals for coming up with a gameplan to keep it close. Not a lot to say about the Niners, they’re just fucking good.

Texans over Jags
Gardner Minshew turned into a pumpkin and now Nick Foles is back to Nick Foles Gardner Minshew back after Gardner Minshew almost Nick Foles’d Nick Foles.

Eagles over Bears
The Bears had fewer first half yards than I did, so it’s hard to think this one was even as close as it was. Goodbye Mitchell.

Steelers over Colts
Well if you told me that Brian Hoyer would play most of this game I probably would have picked it differently, now wouldn’t I? And of course a week after stealing one from the Broncos with a long buzzer-beater Adam Vinatieri kicks the ball right into gopher territory with the game on the line for the Steelers. Fuck that guy.

Dolphins over Jets
It is almost as hard to go 0-16 as it is to go 16-0. I was really rooting for Miami to be the first team to record both all-win and all-loss seasons, but alas, the Jets are playing 4D chess, stealing the Dolphins’ draft position and perhaps sealing Adam Gase’s fate in the process.

Bills over Snyders
So that’s why they weren’t playing Dwayne Haskins yet.

Panthers over Titans
If you say so.

Chiefs over Vikings
(Hopefully that gif works. It’s the one of Waka Flocka going “okay.”)

Seahawks over Bucs
Scoring a last minute touchdown to send a shootout game to overtime where you lose by giving up a TD on the first possession is spiritually, if not financially, the same as covering a 5 point spread.

Broncos over Browns
QBs with the last name Allen went 3-0 this week. What is it with the Broncos and ending Browns seasons? We’re just so good at it. Eat your heart out, Adam Rank, we are 3-6! Should be 6-3!

Chargers over Packers
Sometimes it be like that.

Ravens over Pats
The pats are now 1-1, and I could kiss Lamar Jackson on the mouth.

Cowboys over Giants
No

Underdogs: 0-1 (12-18) 
Locks: 5-3 (36-11-1)
Survivor: 7-2 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL
Don Shula Award Finalist: SF 
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Finalist: CIN
Title Belt: BAL won from NE (1 week reign)

So on Monday morning I couldn’t sleep because I was having chest pain. It got so bad I went to the emergency room. Apparently my stress and anxiety have gotten so bad that I’ve been having heart palpitations. Should I

A) Seek actual professional help for my mental health issues that are turning into physical health issues

or

B) Blame the Broncos?

Survivor: DAL
Locks: SF, PHI, IND, BUF, CAR, CLE, GB, DAL
Underdogs: JAX

Dead Eyes, Eat Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Game by game breakdown here

Maybe this counts as overthinking, but I’m of the mind that Drew Brees’ thumb injury was a blessing in disguise: he now is essentially facing an 8-game regular season, which hopefully will leave him a lot fresher for the playoffs so he can go out on top.

AWARDS
Most Valuable Player rankings:
1. Russell Wilson
2. Aaron Rodgers
3. Christian McCaffrey
4. Patrick Mahomes
5. Lamar Jackson
6. Deshaun Watson
Offensive Player of the Year: Christian McCaffrey
Defensive Player of the Year: Nick Bosa
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Kyler Murray
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Nick Bosa
Coach of the Year: Sean Payton
Comeback Player of the Year: Dalvin Cook

Game by game breakdown here

San Francisco 49ers (7-0)
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #2
Midseason grade: A
Midseason MVP: We all know it’s Kyle Shanahan but it is also Nick Bosa but he’s a trash person so…

Seattle Seahawks (6-2)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2
Q2 Prediction: 12-4 #6
Midseason grade: B+
Midseason MVP: Russell MVPilson

Los Angeles Rams (5-3)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #2
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Q2 Prediction: 11-5
Midseason grade: B-
Midseason MVP: Week to week proposition

Arizona Cardinals (3-4-1)
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 3-12-1
Q2 Prediction: 4-11-1
Midseason grade: B but it’s kind of a different scale
Midseason MVP: Kyler Fucking Murray

Game by game breakdown here

Dallas Cowboys (4-3)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #6
Q2 Prediction: 10-6 #4
Midseason grade: B
Midseason MVP: Dak

Philadelphia Eagles (4-4)
Preseason prediction: 12-4
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Q2 Prediction: 10-6
Midseason grade: B, but a D with injuries.
Midseason MVP: Carson Wentz by default

New York Giants (2-6)
Preseason prediction: 4-12
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 5-11
Midseason grade: D
Midseason MVP: Saquon I guess?

Washington Potatoes (1-7)
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 3-13
Q2 Prediction: 1-15
Midseason grade: F
Midseason MVP: That one rookie wideout whose name I don’t feel like looking up

Game by game breakdown here

Baltimore Ravens (5-2) 
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Midseason grade: B+ except the Browns game
Midseason MVP: Lamar Jackson

Cleveland Browns (2-5)
Preseason prediction: 10-6 #6
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Midseason grade: C-
Midseason MVP: None of the many people you would think it would be.

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-4)
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #2
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Q2 Prediction: 6-10
Midseason grade: C-
Midseason MVP: Karma

Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 4-12
Q2 Prediction: 2-14
Midseason grade: F but it’s somehow worse than the other F teams.
Midseason MVP: Wait, do the Bengals even have players anymore?

Game by game breakdown here

New Orleans Saints (7-1)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #1
Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #1
Midseason grade: Somehow an A+
Midseason MVP: I wanna say Teddy TBH but really we all know it’s Sean Payton.

Carolina Panthers (4-3)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #4
Q1 Prediction: 7-9
Q2 Prediction: 8-8
Midseason grade: B- but only because they did it without Cam.
Midseason MVP: Christian McCaffrey has about 70% of the team’s yards and points.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 7-9
Q2 Prediction: 4-12
Midseason grade: D, annoyingly.
Midseason MVP: Sack Barrett and Mike Evans

Atlanta Falcons (1-7)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #6
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Q2 Prediction: 3-13
Midseason grade: F
Midseason MVP: Poor, poor Julio.