New England Patriots (10-1) Preseason prediction: 12-4 #1 Q1 Prediction: 14-2 #1 Q2 Prediction: 14-2 #1 Q3 Prediction: 12-4 #3 Most important game left: wk14 vs KC – If the Pats win this, they’re probably the 1 seed. If not, they’re probably playing the first weekend of the playoffs for the first time in forever. Oh god, that means they’re gonna win.
Buffalo Bills (8-3) Preseason prediction: 7-9 Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5 Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #5 Q3 Prediction: 11-5 #5 Most important game left: wk15 @ PIT – A road game against a fearsome defense and a team that is, as of writing, in the playoff hunt. If Josh Allen looks good in Pittsburgh, the Bills are a real threat.
New York Jets (4-7) Preseason prediction: 9-7 Q1 Prediction: 6-10 Q2 Prediction: 5-11 Q3 Prediction: 7-9 Most important game left: wk15 @ BAL – It’s almost impossible to think the Jets could go into Baltimore on a Thursday night and beat Lamar Jackson. But if they do, their week 17 tilt in Buffalo might have playoff implications.
Miami Dolphins (2-9) Preseason prediction: 3-13 Q1 Prediction: 0-16 Q2 Prediction: 1-15 Q3 Prediction: 2-14 Most important game left: wk 16 vs CIN – If the Dolphins can manage to lose this game, it’s possible the #1 pick might still be on the table!
Houston Texans (7-4) Preseason prediction: 6-10 Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #4 Q2 Prediction: 9-7 #6 Q3 Prediction: 11-5 #4 Most important game left: wks 15 and 17 series against Titans – Since Ryan Tannehill took over the Titans have been reborn, and these two games will be Houston’s chance to either hold onto the division or let Derrick Henry rip it out of their hands.
Indianapolis Colts (6-5) Preseason prediction: 5-11 Q1 Prediction: 8-8 Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #2 Q3 Prediction: 9-7 #6 Most important game left: wk13 vs TEN – Just like the Texans, the Colts’ path to the postseason is most challenged by Tennessee.
Tennessee Titans (6-5) Preseason prediction: 6-10 Q1 Prediction: 5-11 Q2 Prediction: 6-10 Q3 Prediction: 8-8 Most important game left: All the in-division madness – The Titans are normally destined to go 9-7 so maybe they take one from the Colts and end up the 6 seed.
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) Preseason prediction: 7-9 #4 Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #6 Q2 Prediction: 8-8 Q3 Prediction: 5-11 Most important game left: wk14 vs LAC – The Jags’ season is already over, so the most important thing left is determining whether Nick Foles is their way forward. This game might be the best way to do that, because the Chargers are tough but beatable at home.
Baltimore Ravens (9-2) Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5 Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3 Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #3 Q3 Prediction: 14-2 #1 Most important game left: wk13 vs SF – A possible super bowl preview.
Cleveland Browns (5-6) Preseason prediction: 10-6 #6 Q1 Prediction: 8-8 Q2 Prediction: 8-8 Q3 Prediction: 8-8 Most important game left: wk17 @ CIN – With a soft schedule coming up, it would be just like the Browns to drop this game and therefore miss the playoffs.
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5) Preseason prediction: 12-4 #2 Q1 Prediction: 6-10 Q2 Prediction: 6-10 Q3 Prediction: 7-9 Most important game left: wk13 vs CLE – Whoever wins this game is still in the playoff picture, but more importantly, the Steelers have managed to go a long time without letting Cleveland hold the edge in this ‘rivalry,’ and a dramatic series sweep would change the power dynamic.
Cincinnati Bengals (0-11) Preseason prediction: 3-13 Q1 Prediction: 4-12 Q2 Prediction: 2-14 Q3 Prediction: 2-14 Most important game left: wk16 @ MIA – Probably the Bengals’ best chance to win a game this season and still be able to say “at least we’re not the Browns.”
I’ve got nothing interesting to say so RIP and let’s just write about the games, eh?
Texans over Colts Pretty sure the AFC’s 4 seed was just decided by missed calls so that’s very NFL 2019.
Bills over Yikes The Broncos are now 7-4.
Saints barely over Panthers The NFL’s pass interference rule should just read “Fuck the Saints in particular.”
Seahawks over Eagles Whatever the Eagles think they have when they trot Carson Wentz and co. out there, I struggle to call it an “offense.”
Buccaneers over Falcons Just goes to show: never bet on a Buccs or Falcons game, much less a Buccs AND Falcons game.
Browns over Dolphins Oh god, if the Browns really do end up in the playoffs I swear to god…
Bears over Giants If the Giants were able to kick a goddamn field goal I would have gotten my pick right but I guess the Bears transferred their curse somehow?
Washington over what’s left of the Lions The Washington Redacteds will pay you $5 to come watch their football games.
Jets over Raiders Why is Vegas the only one that didn’t see this coming?
Steelers over Bengals If the Steelers had left Mason Rudolph in the Bengals would have completed the upset.
Titans over Jaguars Okay fine, the Titans are better with Tannehill and the Jags are maybe better with Gardner Minshew. You happy?
Patriots over Cowboys Leave it to the Pats to beat the Cowboys but not cover the spread. Classic.
49ers over Packers If I had known George Kittle would be good to go I would not have taken the Packers. But I probably still should have known.
Ravens over Rams Lamar Jackson is football porn.
Underdogs: 2-3 (17-26) Locks: 2-1 (45-16-1) Survivor: 9-3 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: CIN (0-11) Title Belt: BAL defended from LAR (4 week reign)
Do I think Myles Garrett’s role in the Thursday Night Fight was sparked by Mason Rudolph calling him a racial slur? No. Do I amend my claim that Mason Rudolph doesn’t deserve to be hit in the head with a helmet now that I know he’s a racist-ass Tomi Lahren Stan? Yup.
Survivor: CLE Locks: CLE, DET, BAL Underdogs: SEA, NYG, NYJ, CIN, GB
The eliminated Bengals stay last and the 49ers survive injuries and a strong challenge from an up and coming division opponent to keep the top spot. Most movement comes from the confusing NFC South, where the Falcons and Panthers close what was a 17-spot gap between them and the Saints regain my confidence to jump the Seahawks and Packers on those teams’ bye weeks. the Colts and Steelers also move, albeit in different directions, after proving me wrong in divisional games.
I’m just gonna pretend the Broncos game didn’t happen, okay? Okay.
Wow, I spend one weekend at a con in Seattle and everything goes haywire! Firstly, we have our first elimination of the 2019 season! Goodbye Bengals, it was clear from like week 3 that you were goners, but this is truly impressive. Then we’ve got the Kaep workout. At the beginning of the season it looked like all 32 teams could be at least convinced that they had a passable solution in place for the season at QB. That is now far from true. Hearing the reactions to the workout, I notice a lot of people saying that Kaep made it clear that he’s not going to toe the NFL’s line in order to rejoin the league. Yeah, no shit! He shouldn’t have to! Did you know that denying someone employment because they won’t stop being outspoken about injustice is blackballing now just as much as it was when they first started it? In honor of these events, it’s time for two lists to return to my weekly recaps:
TEAMS THAT WOULD SIGN KAEPERNICK IF THERE WAS NO BLACKBALLING: PIT, CIN, TEN, MIA, DEN, LAC, CHI, DET, TB, CAR, WSH
THE GRAVEYARD: CIN
Browns over Steelers The Browns totally smothered their longtime in-division Big Brothers and essentially replaced them on the fringes of the playoff picture, and they they still come away from this game with their tails between their legs. They’re not going anywhere with Myles Garrett out for the season for trying to decapitate Mason Rudolph, who does have an extremely hateable face but also doesn’t deserve to be brained with his own helmet.
Vikes over Broncos I went to a Portland State University football game a couple of weeks ago, and I guess their team is called the Vikings? But when they cheer they shorten it… to “viks.” Can somebody please explain to them that this does not spell “vikes” but rather “vicks”? Anyway I left at the end of the third quarter and they got dominated by UC Davis in the cold rain so that was good. Fourth quarters should just be cancelled.
Saints over Bucs Oh okay, so the Saints will be fine and Winston is out. Gotcha.
Bills over Fins Josh Allen had himself a day and these teams both looked more like their early-season incarnations. Why do I even pick upsets? I should just go with chalk every time. I would have a better record.
Boys over Lions Dak Gettin Paid! Suck it Jerry!
Falcons over Panthers So I guess the Falcons are just good now? Maybe it’s just a division thing. How’s that The Panthers Should Drop Cam narrative looking right about now?
Colts over Jags This game was a big boost for Gardner Minshew’s stock, as Nick Foles was not able to get the offense in any better rhythm.
Jets over Washington (sounds like a military exercise) Why the fuck were the Potatoes favored? I agree with the fans in Washington: Sell the team!
Ravens over Texans Lamar Jackson eliminated Deshaun Watson from the MVP race the same day the Falcons eliminated Christian McCaffrey, and now it’s really a two-horse race, probably with Jackson leading Russell Wilson slightly.
Niners over Cards With less than a minute to go the Niners were down 3. They won the game by 10. Excellent game by the Cardinals, and more really fun play by Kyler Murray.
Raiders over Bengals Cincy kept this one a game but they were so outmatched that their best effort was not enough. Nat a ton learned about either side.
Patriots over Eagles The Pats and Eagles played football for a half and then fucked around for another hour and then went home. Weird for these teams to both have shaky quarterbacking.
Rams over Bears Eew. Mitch got benched and the Bears tried to lie about it and nobody bought it so maybe Matt Nagy can be the next White House press secretary.
Chiefs over Chargers Total implosion by Philip Rivers, and I am among those wondering if he’ll be with the Chargers next season.
Underdogs: 1-4 (15-24) Locks: 6-0 (43-15-1) Survivor: 8-3 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: CIN (0-10) Title Belt: BAL defended from HOU (3 week reign)
So the NFL, after 32 months of not giving Kaepernick the time of day, suddenly gives him a few days to get ready for a workout, in the middle of the season, on a Saturday, where they won’t tell him what teams will be there or who his receivers will be, and Hue Jackson is running the workout, and he has to sign away his rights to sue the NFL or anyone involved for anything ever, and the day of they tell him that no cameras will be allowed. And when he says “nah fam I’ll go work out with my boys at my field with cameras there and no waiver and all the NFL teams are welcome” and he kicks ass in his workout we’re supposed to take it to mean he doesn’t want to play? Fuck that. I almost feel sorry for the saps out there who don’t love themselves enough to see that you should never let an employer treat you that way. A league that will keep moving the goalposts until they own your right to self expression before they let you get a job is not worth playing for.
Survivor: OAK Locks: MIN, DAL, SF, OAK, NE, LAR Underdogs: PIT, TB, MIA, JAX, NYJ
A new leader! And I believe the third team to occupy both the top and bottom spots on my rankings. The Saints take a significant dip because I think some of the issues they showed against the Falcons weren’t just aberrations. The Rams are mediocre and would be lucky to make the playoffs.
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 