I’m just gonna pretend the Broncos game didn’t happen, okay? Okay.
Wow, I spend one weekend at a con in Seattle and everything goes haywire! Firstly, we have our first elimination of the 2019 season! Goodbye Bengals, it was clear from like week 3 that you were goners, but this is truly impressive.
Then we’ve got the Kaep workout. At the beginning of the season it looked like all 32 teams could be at least convinced that they had a passable solution in place for the season at QB. That is now far from true. Hearing the reactions to the workout, I notice a lot of people saying that Kaep made it clear that he’s not going to toe the NFL’s line in order to rejoin the league. Yeah, no shit! He shouldn’t have to! Did you know that denying someone employment because they won’t stop being outspoken about injustice is blackballing now just as much as it was when they first started it?
In honor of these events, it’s time for two lists to return to my weekly recaps:
TEAMS THAT WOULD SIGN KAEPERNICK IF THERE WAS NO BLACKBALLING:
PIT, CIN, TEN, MIA, DEN, LAC, CHI, DET, TB, CAR, WSH
THE GRAVEYARD:
CIN
Browns over Steelers
The Browns totally smothered their longtime in-division Big Brothers and essentially replaced them on the fringes of the playoff picture, and they they still come away from this game with their tails between their legs. They’re not going anywhere with Myles Garrett out for the season for trying to decapitate Mason Rudolph, who does have an extremely hateable face but also doesn’t deserve to be brained with his own helmet.
Vikes over Broncos
I went to a Portland State University football game a couple of weeks ago, and I guess their team is called the Vikings? But when they cheer they shorten it… to “viks.” Can somebody please explain to them that this does not spell “vikes” but rather “vicks”? Anyway I left at the end of the third quarter and they got dominated by UC Davis in the cold rain so that was good. Fourth quarters should just be cancelled.
Saints over Bucs
Oh okay, so the Saints will be fine and Winston is out. Gotcha.
Bills over Fins
Josh Allen had himself a day and these teams both looked more like their early-season incarnations. Why do I even pick upsets? I should just go with chalk every time. I would have a better record.
Boys over Lions
Dak Gettin Paid! Suck it Jerry!
Falcons over Panthers
So I guess the Falcons are just good now? Maybe it’s just a division thing. How’s that The Panthers Should Drop Cam narrative looking right about now?
Colts over Jags
This game was a big boost for Gardner Minshew’s stock, as Nick Foles was not able to get the offense in any better rhythm.
Jets over Washington (sounds like a military exercise)
Why the fuck were the Potatoes favored? I agree with the fans in Washington: Sell the team!
Ravens over Texans
Lamar Jackson eliminated Deshaun Watson from the MVP race the same day the Falcons eliminated Christian McCaffrey, and now it’s really a two-horse race, probably with Jackson leading Russell Wilson slightly.
Niners over Cards
With less than a minute to go the Niners were down 3. They won the game by 10. Excellent game by the Cardinals, and more really fun play by Kyler Murray.
Raiders over Bengals
Cincy kept this one a game but they were so outmatched that their best effort was not enough. Nat a ton learned about either side.
Patriots over Eagles
The Pats and Eagles played football for a half and then fucked around for another hour and then went home. Weird for these teams to both have shaky quarterbacking.
Rams over Bears
Eew. Mitch got benched and the Bears tried to lie about it and nobody bought it so maybe Matt Nagy can be the next White House press secretary.
Chiefs over Chargers
Total implosion by Philip Rivers, and I am among those wondering if he’ll be with the Chargers next season.
Underdogs: 1-4 (15-24)
Locks: 6-0 (43-15-1)
Survivor: 8-3 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: CIN (0-10)
Title Belt: BAL defended from HOU (3 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 