Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Benji Netzorg, AKA Dangersquirrel. Writer, leftist, and general pain the ass, making content about movies and anarchism and whatnot in the Pacific Northwest. He/him or they/them.

WEEK 5 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 2-1 (10-11)
Locks: 4-1 (21-4)
Survivor: 5-0 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Tom lost once again to Nick Foles and seemed to have a Senior Moment where he forgot what down it was. Bill got his game against the Broncos postponed long enough to get Cam back. Everything still comes up Bill behind the scenes, even when his team catches a deadly disease. Point Belichick. (Bill: 2.5 Tom: 2.5)
Title Belt: OAK won from KC (1 week reign)
Needles: 2-1-1 (5-4-7) [Favourite won, dog covered/favourite covered/dog won]
Don Shula Award Eligible teams: SEA (5-0)/PIT, TEN, GB (4-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Eligible teams: ATL, NYG, NYJ (0-5)

  • Bears over Buccaneers unless it’s still 3rd down does anyone know what down it is?
    Seems likely that the Bears are a little better and the Bucs a little worse than I’ve been giving them credit for. Brady and Foles were both a mess, it was pretty much the opposite of Super Bowl Whichever One The Eagles Won.
  • Ravens over Bengals
    Poor Joe Burrow is gonna be playing this game twice a year for the next decade, isn’t he?
  • Cardinals over Jets
    That sure happened.
  • Steelers over Eagles
    I almost put Chase Claypool on my bench but at the last minute I put him in the flex. Won by 4 points. Thanks, Pennsylvania. The Steelers somehow are 4-0 for the first time sine the 70s??? I feel like they’re 4-0 every year!
  • Texans over Jaguars
    Why the fuck did I pick the Jags?? Romeo Crennell has a Belichickian win percentage as an interim coach.
  • Panthers over Falcons
    Dan Quinn is gone and Adam Gase is still here. What a world. The Falcons defense is just… So bad.
  • Raiders over Chiefs!
    Very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it’s fun for the Chiefs to lose, on the other hand the Raiders are not allowed to be good! Not allowed!
  • Rams over Teams
    Alex Smith came back and immediately got kneecapped by Aaron Donald with the Comeback Player of the Year trophy.
  • Dolphins over 49ers
    Garoppolo was not ready to come back and thus got stomped by the Fins and Fitzmagic. Hopefully he and his beard will turn back into a pumpkin before the Broncos play him.
  • Browns over Colts
    Feel very vindicated about Philip Rivers.
  • Cowboys over Giants but it feels more like a loss for Dallas
    Dak’s leg got rolled up in one of those I Think I’m Gonna Be Sick injuries. The dude made me like him while playing for the Cowboys so you know he must be a good person. Andy Dalton now has a very good chance of making another first round playoff exit.
  • Seahawks over Vikings
    The Seahawks will be the death of me. Winning by one point on a 4th and goal TD in the last 20 seconds? Classic shit.
  • Saints over Chargers
    The Chargers could lose to anyone but it’s impossible to beat them by more than 8 points.
  • Titans over Bills
    Can now confirm, god did not intend football to be played on Tuesday afternoons.

WEEK 4 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 2-1 (8-10)
Locks: 5-1 (17-3)
Survivor: 4-0 LVR, TB, IND, DEN
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Tom had another awful pick-6 but became the oldest QB to ever throw 5 TDs in a game. Bill looked miserable in his mask wasting a great defensive gameplan on Brain Hoyer and Jarret Stidham. Point Tom. (Bill: 1.5 Tom: 2.5)
Title Belt: KC defended from NE (6 week reign)
Needles: 2-0-1 (3-4-6) [Favourite won, dog covered/favourite covered/dog won]
Don Shula Award Eligible teams: BUF, KC, GB, SEA (4-0)/PIT, TEN (3-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Eligible teams: ATL, NYG, HOU, NYJ (0-4)

  • Broncos over Jets
    Thank god the Broncos won a game, because I do not have confidence in the full schedule being played and I couldn’t bear a winless season on the Broncos’ record. I think Sam Darnold somehow turning a 3rd down sack into a 45 yard TD run and Darnold somehow coming back after 1 drive on the sidelines for what was clearly supposed to be a broken collar bone just karmically balanced out.
  • Seahawks over Dolphins
    Russell Wilson is on pace for like 67 TDs, so who cares if the Dolphins were only trailing by 1 point in the 4th quarter? When do we get to see Tua, anyway?
  • Saints over Lions
    Someone clearly was on social media while drawing up the gameplay for New Orleans because Drew Brees was unleashed. After letting the Lions jump out to a 14-0 lead Brees led 4 straight TD drives and averaged over 10 air yards, after all the talk of his decline in that area. This is why even when Brees is not gunning out, I am not worried about the Saints’ playoff chances. The Lions, though, have lost 6 straight games where they led by 10+ points, which is an NFL record that should absolutely get Matt Patricia fired midseason.
  • Browns over ‘Boys
    Am I really happy for the Browns or am I just bathed in schadenfreude (word of the week fr y’all) at the Cowboys’ misfortunes? I think it’s a bit of both. You can’t help but have sympathy when a team is 3-1 for the first time since 2002.
  • Panthers over Cardinals
    Excited for a week of every sports podcaster calling Carolina and Teddy Bridgewater “Frisky.”
  • Buccaneers over Chargers
    Fuck both of these teams honestly. I’m fine with the Chargers when they’re bad but if Justin Herbert is as good as he’s been so far I’m gonna have to hate them. OJ Howard was my backup plan at fantasy tight end.
  • Burrows over Minshews
    When I went to bed on Saturday it seemed unlikely that the Chiefs would play this week, so I started Giovanni Bernard (who was supposed to fill in for Joe Mixon) over Clyde Edwards-Helaire. I woke up at 10:30 to find that Mixon started and Kansas City was rescheduled for Monday night. Fuck.
  • Ravens over What the Footballs
    The GOP’s thirst for RBG’s Supreme Court seat has gotten at least 30 of their own people sick and still might kill the president (please kill the president). Also Claudia Conway is a better journalist than Rachel Maddow.
  • Vikings over Texans
    When you just keep demanding more and more and more power, eventually there are no more scapegoats, and every mistake is your own, its consequences yours to bear in solitude.
    I might be talking about Bill O’Brien, but you definitely know who else I’m talking about as well.
  • Rams over Giants, both on the field and in the octagon
    An awkward game that the Rams failed to dominate but still won pretty comfortably included a dustup between Aaron Donald and a Giants player, and ended in a full-on fistfight between Jalen Ramsey and a New York wide receiver over some perceived slight from one of them breaking up with the other’s sister. I don’t care enough to look up the details, but I do know this will distract from the fact that the Rams a) are good enough to challenge the Seahawks for the division still, and b) never should have been allowed to design new uniforms.
  • Bills over Raiders
    Raising your stock by beating a top-10 team in primetime to open a new stadium and then immediately tripping over your own dick the next two weeks is a very Gruden Team thing to do. The Bills aren’t perfect but they’re good enough to give even my cold dead heart some hope that the Pats won’t steal the division for the 9,000th straight year.
  • Colts over Bears
    Good luck predicting how Nick Foles will play in any given week. He was garbage this time against his old coach.
  • Eagles over whoever that was playing against the Eagles
    NFC East games this season that weren’t losses:
    – Washington makes a comeback over Philly week one. Intra-division game, doesn’t count.
    – Dallas makes a historic comeback against the fail-prone Falcons, including an onside kick that will be a staple in sports blooper reels for years to come.
    – Eagles intentionally tie with a team that barely qualifies as professional outside of their hotshot rookie QB.
    – Eagles take the division lead with 1.5 wins in 4 weeks after narrowly beating one of the few teams more beat-up than they are.
  • Chiefs over Patriots
    I regret to have to admit I ended up rooting for the Chiefs in this game. Sorry-ish.
  • Packers Falcons
    If anyone hurts Aaron Rodgers I will kill them.

WEEK 3 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 3-3 (6-9)
Locks: 2-1 (12-2)
Survivor: 3-0 LVR, TB, IND
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Tie, because Bill can still pull off a revenge game and Tom is now .500 or better against every team in the league. (Bill: 1.5 Tom: 1.5)
Title Belt: KC defended from BAL (5 week reign)
Needles: 0-2-1 (1-4-5) [Favourite won but dog covered/favourite won and covered/dog covered and won]

  • Dolphins over Jags
    A game that did not disappoint. The Jags defense is hot garbage and Fitzmagic balled out and flashed a lot of chest hair in the weird distanced postgame interview. I give it three weeks before he’s back to throwing for 45 yards and 2 INTs per game.
  • Steelers over Texans
    Another close shave for the Steelers, but infuriatingly they pull it off again. 3-0 is 3-0 and 0-3 is 0-3. Texans still look like a team in need of a WR and at least one top-end guy on both O line and D line.
  • TIE BETWEEN BENGALS AND EAGLES!
    Everyone on football twitter calls Joe Burrow their son now, and I think I’m there with them. If the Eagles couldn’t get things going in this spot it’s never gonna happen. They played for the tie, which I love but would never do in a million years. Meanwhile Burrow has 0.3 seconds after the snap before DTs start burrowing into his chest, and he’s doing an incredible job of compensating but who knows how long that can happen?
  • Niners over Giants
    Oops, boy was I wrong. San Fran’s c-squad rolled in here and kicked the shit out of New York with ease.
  • Pats over Raiders
    The Raiders contained Cam Newton, which helped them stay in the game for about 1.5 quarters.
  • Bears over Falcons for fuck’s sake
    Did the Bears make a comeback because switching to Nick Foles in the 4th quarter was a good move, or because the Falcons have angered a vengeful god? We may never know.
  • Bills over Rams I mean Rams over Bills I mean Bills over Rams
    The Bills gained and then lost a 28-3 lead, then Josh Allen spent 5 minutes swinging Buffalo’s win probability by plus or minus 15% on each play before hitting a game-winning TD aided by a pass interference call that I hear was questionable but I haven’t actually seen.
  • Titans over Vikings
    By one point. When I put most of my fake money on Titans -2. After missing 4 kicks in the first 58 minutes of the season, Stephen Gostkowski is 3/3 in game-winners now. Life comes at you fast.
  • Browns over Football Team
    The Football Team actually held a lead in the 4th, so I was not completely wrong to pick the cover.
  • Colts over Jets
    Get ready for several months of hyperbole about how the Jets would lose to the best college team, which this year is, what, like, Georgia Tech or something?
  • Panthers over Chargers
    They fuckin did it. McCaffrey is injured and the Panthers win? Okay. Teddy is gonna win more than people think, isn’t he? Good for him. And fuck Justin Herbert, he’s already annoying.
  • Lions over Cardinals
    Kenny Golladay is the difference for the Lions. My fantasy team appreciates his 29 points but still lost by like 50 points.
  • Buccaneers over what’s left of the Broncos
    It just keeps getting worse. Fuck me. Lost year, I swear to god. I didn’t need this shit right now.
  • Seahawks over Cowboys
    Concerned about Jamal Adams and convinced this shit is not sustainable for the playoffs, but shit is it fun for now.
  • Packers over Saints
    Weird that even without Devante Adams and Michael Thomas both offenses hit 30 points.
  • Chiefs over Ravens
    I been told y’all.