Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Underdogs: 2-0 (17-18)
Locks: 4-0 (38-11)
Survivor: 8-1 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Oh man, what a week! I can hardly give Bill a point for scraping out a win over the Jets, but I can definitely dock Tom for his abysmal performance. (Bill: 2.5 Tom: 4)
Title Belt: TB lost to NO (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-2-0 (7-10-9) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (8-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-9)

• Packers over 49ers
  The Niners overtook the Broncos for the most demolished team in the league and now they’re barely competitive at all. Remember last year when the Packers were a “soft 13-3”? Yeah.
  
• Giants over WaFoo
  Oh god Alex Smith is actually the starter now. Someone less Jewish come teach me how to cross myself because that’s the vibe.
  
• Titans over Bears
  Remember when the Bears had a game in Seattle and they like punted on 16 straight drives? How does this franchise so thoroughly avoid having an offense?
  
• Vikings over Lions
  Dalvin Cook. That is all. As in that is all that was working, for either team and on either side of the ball. Cook pulled an Adrian Peterson, but luckily for us he is a much better person.
  
• Chiefs over Panthers
  Enjoy this year, Panthers. It’s fun when the expectations are low.
  
• Texans over Jaguars
  Winning is nice but it’s not a good sign when you can only beat the Jags, and even then it’s against some guy named Jake Luton and you have to stop a last-minute 2-point try.
  
• Ravens over Colts
  The Ravens’ first win in Indy, I guess, and the highlight is Philip Rivers totally imploding trying to make a tackle on a fumble return.
  
• Bills over Seahawks
  That shitty Seahawks defense, just when it looked like it was finally making progress, caught up with Seattle. The NFC West race is gonna be fascinating down the stretch.
  
• Falcons over Broncos
  Fuck. If you ever have to play the Falcons, you should demand to be scheduled in the first 5 weeks of the season. That’s when they struggle. And if you ever play the Broncos, demand that it’s after 2016 because it’s been really easy to beat us since then.
  
• Raiders over Chargers
  Even the instant replay can make a comeback against the artists formerly known as San Diego!
  
• Steelers over Cowboys
  Only Mike Tomlin could make this game so close, and only Mike McCarthy could make the in-game decisions the Cowboys made in this one. And only Roethlisberger would make such a big stink about an injury and then come back in to play. Asshole.
  
• Dolphins over Cardinals
  The age of the tiny, mobile QB is upon us. Russell Wilson started it, but Kyler and now Tua are really making it stick. The Dolphins are looking like a playoff team after half a season, how whack is that?
  
• Saints whoop up on them Bradys!
  Well damn this was a cathartic one! Trump is out, let’s try to feel some happiness!
  
• Pats over Jets
  After watching this game I will never make fun of Madden for being unrealistic.

Survivor: LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU
Locks: GB, KC, HOU, PIT, NE
Underdogs: NYG, DEN, LVR, NO
Needles: TEN/CHI, ATL/DEN

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Underdogs: 2-1 (14-18)
Locks: 4-3 (33-11)
Survivor: 7-1 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Bill had the Bills over the barrel before Cam’s last-minute fumble, but in the past he never would have had to make a comeback, he would have blown them out. He’s now on his first 4-game skid since Tom’s rookie year. Tom looked off for much of the night against the shitty Giants, but he pulled it together and managed to still win. Half a point to Tom. (Bill: 2.5 Tom: 5.5)
Title Belt: TB defended from NYG (2 week reign)
Needles: 1-1-1 (7-8-9) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (7-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-8)

• Falcons over Panthers
  I can’t believe they put this game in prime time the week before the election and we all still watched it as if we don’t have bigger fish to fry.
  
• Dolphins over Rams
  Tua Time I guess consists of Tua sitting back and letting the defense and special teams absolutely demolish LA.
  
• Steelers over Ravens
  Ugh. I hope Ben shatters his pelvis. Vote Biden just so Ben will be sad.
  
• Chiefs over A Team I Suppose
  *Nods slowly*
  
• Vikings over Packers
  Dalvin Cook couldn’t cover Adams but he could see Adams’ 3 TDs and raise him 4.
  
• Colts over Lions
  It must just suck to be a Lions fan.
  
• Raiders over Browns
  The wind was so bad it grabbed a kicked ball out of the air and just YANKED it into the upright, it was hilarious.
  
• Bengals over Titans
  Good for Her!
  
• Bills over Patriots!
  They did it!*
  *”It” = implode slightly less than the Pats.
  
• Seahawks over 49ers
  The Seahawks managed to play a game that didn’t try to send me to an early grave! The Niners are making a push for the title of most-snakebite team, now that some of the Broncos are trickling back in and the NFC East has been disqualified for doping.
  
• BRONCOS!!!! The power of the Scarf!!!
  I’m still processing this one honestly. Jesus Christ. a 21-point comeback including a last-second game-winning TD inbounds by a butt cheek.
  
• Saints over Bears but it was ALMOST a tie!
  Don’t punch people in helmets, and don’t rip out people’s mouthguards, kids.
  
• Eagles over Cowboys
  Incredible how the Eagles tried so hard to not win this game. The Cowboys are unbelievably skilled at not winning.
  
• Buccaneers juuuuuuust barely over the Giants 😦
  It WAS pass interference, goddamnit!

Survivor: LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI
Locks: LAR, KC, GB, TEN, NO, PHI, TB
Underdogs: LVR, NE, DEN
Needles: BAL/PIT, NO/CHI, PHI/DAL

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

The whole top ten stays! So tempting to put Dallas in the bottom spot but that might just be a little too reactive.

Underdogs: 1-3 (12-17)
Locks: 5-1 (29-8)
Survivor: 5-1 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Bill’s Pats have a real QB problem that has cost them two consecutive games against struggling teams. Tom scored 5 total TDs and took the lead in all-time TD passes. Decisive point Tom. (Bill: 2.5 Tom: 5)
Title Belt: TB won from LVR (1 week reign)
Needles: 1-2-0 (6-7-8) [Favourite won, dog covered/favourite covered/dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (6-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-7)

• Eagles over Giants
  I went out on a limb to pick the Giants and this is how they fucking repay me: by botching an 11-point lead in the last few minutes.
  
• Team over Cowboys
  I watched The Replacements this week. Man, that is a terrible movie, huh? I love Keanu Reeves and Jon Favreau but even they kinda suck in that. Just blatant anti-union dreck. If it weren’t for the players union, both Dak Prescott and Andy Dalton would probably be totally on their own right now as Dallas tries to move forward with some sub-Shane-Falco-level guy off the street throwing the ball.
  
• Steelers over Titans
  The Titans fell way behind, stormed all the way back, and then missed the kick that would have forced OT. All the while the Steelers put up over 30 points without giving Chase Claypool more that 1.5 fantasy points. Fuck the Steelers, it’s bullshit that they get to be the last undefeated team.
  
• Bills over Jets but Jets cover the spread
  New York came out with a new verve under the leadership of the returning Sam Darnold. Their valiant stand meant losing by 8 points. The Bills could have covered if they kicked a chip shot field goal as time expired, but instead they kneeled on like the 10 yard line. Not a great sign that they struggled so much to win this game.
  
• Saints over Panthers
  Without Michael Thomas or Emanuel Sanders the Saints scraped by Carolina. I would normally be concerned by how close this game was, but with how competitive the Panthers have been and how cursed the Saints have been, I’m just glad to keep up with Tampa.
  
• Packers over Texans
  Aaron Rodgers will not let Russell Wilson run away with that MVP award. If DeShaun Watson was on either of their teams, I’m sure he’d be in that conversation too.
  
• Browns over Bengals
  A truly entertaining game, Baker Mayfield was 0/7 with a pick after the first quarter, and something like 15/18 for 300 yards and 3 TDs after that, including one to my almost-picked-up-on-fantasy-this-week TE David Njoku. The TD put the Browns ahead but the missed PAT lost my bet on their 3.5-point spread, because they’re still the Browns. And they also lost OBJ to an ACL tear, because they are still the Browns.
  
• Lions over Falcons
  You can take away the Falcons’ head coach but you can’t take away their curse. Todd Gurley tries to give himself up in the field of play with 1 minute left so Atlanta can burn the clock and kick a game winning field goal, but he accidentally falls into the end zone to go up 6 points and give the time-out-less Lions about 55 seconds to get all the way down the field. Which of course they do. Incredible.
  
• Chargers over Jaguars
  Justin Herbert is now required to grow a mustache.
  
• Niners over Patriots!
  This does not make the Broncos’ win last week look very good. Are the Niners back or is Cam just still post-Covid symptomatic? That shit is serious.
  
• Chiefs over Broncos
  You know we actually played a lot of this game well, it’s just the multiple catastrophic failures that bit us in the ass. One of those losses that just makes you feel like you’re a long way from being any good at all.
  
• Buccs over Raiders
  NGL I have not paid any attention to what happened in this game.
  
• Cardinals over Seahawks in OT
  Remember when these teams went to overtime in a primetime game and there were 3 missed kicks between them and it ended in a 6-6 tie? Those were the days. Shoutout to Tyler Lockett for 16 caches, 200 yards and 3 TDs, and to Deandre Hopkins for driving around Phoenix flipping off trump supporters before the game.
  
• Rams over Bears
  Jared Goff failed to score the 67 points I needed to win my fantasy matchup so screw him. The Bears were always fake and I’m glad they lost this game.

Survivor: LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC
Locks: BUF, CLE, LAC, NE, KC, TB
Underdogs: NYG, DAL, TEN, DET
Needles: KC/DEN, NO/CAR

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

I absolutely hate that nobody will take the top spot from the Chiefs.

Underdogs: 1-3 (11-14)
Locks: 3-3 (24-7)
Survivor: 5-1 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE,
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: While Bill was busy falling below .500 in October for the first time ever with a loss at home to the Broncos who couldn’t even get into the end zone, Tom was cruising past what might be the best team in his conference. Point and a half Tom. (Bill: 2.5 Tom: 4)
Title Belt: OAK was on BYE (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-1-1 (5-5-8) [Favourite won, dog covered/favourite covered/dog won]
Don Shula Award Eligible teams: SEA, PIT, TEN (5-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-6)

• GOOD GUYS BEAT THE BAD GUYS!!!!
  HAHAHAHA FUCK THE PATRIOTS!! Drew Lock: youngest QB to win in Gillette Stadium. The first time Bill Belichick has lost a game where he didn’t allow a touchdown. Cam Newton falls to 0-4 against the Broncos. Brandon McManus ties a franchise record with 6 field goals. Just a lot of fun. Probably means nothing going forward but I don’t care.
  
• Titans over Texans eventually
  Well, it took over 200 Derrick Henry rushing yards (though 93 of those came on 1 play), a bunch of 2nd half lead changes, and a single drive of overtime, but the Titans are now 5-0 and playing just like they did late last year despite missing half their roster to Coronavirus. I feel very sorry for Deshaun Watson because he is looking at multiple years before his transcendent skills might have a chance at amounting to wins in this organization.
  
• Steelers over Browns again
  You can set your clocks by it, really. The Browns’ 4 wins have been fun but the AFC North is still so distinctly stratified: Baltimore and Pittsburgh trade around the top spot, the Bengals and Browns are stuck trading the bottom role. It would take decades for that to shift.
  Shoutout to Chris Simms for convincing me to hold on to Chase Claypool early in the season. It has paid off handsomely.
  And for the record, Mason Rudolph deserved it, and Roethlisberger deserves the same.
  
• Ravens over Eagles
  In back to back weeks the Eagles have taken on both AFC North frontrunners, and both weeks they got their crap smashed in early only to sneak back in just barely too late to complete a comeback. Unfortunately for them, almost-wins don’t count. Fortunately for them, they don’t need that many actual wins to stay in their division race. Unfortunately for them, their entire team is on IR.
  
• Giants over This Space Intentionally Left Blank
  Danny Dimes threw just his third TD of the season and managed to give New York City its first win of the season because Riverboat Ron showed up for the classic Go For Broke 2pt conversion and failed. Possibly the least consequential game of the season, as all that was at stake was probably who picks 3rd and who picks 4th if there’s ever a 2021 draft.
  
• Falcons over Vikings, and it stayed that way for once
  I didn’t expect Raheem Morris to get a New Coach Bump and I was wrong. I faced Matt Ryan and Calvin Ridley in fantasy this week and I guess Mike Zimmer personally wanted to cost me this matchup. Both of these teams have had disappointing starts but the Vikings at least could have stayed in the playoff hunt with a win here. Now they’re looking less 9-7 and more 6-10 every week.
  
• Colts over Bengals
  It looked for the first 20 minutes or so like Joe Burrow was gonna just straight up obliterate the Colts. Then the Bengals offense cut out completely and Philip Rivers went vintage and squeaked one out. I’m not surprised, I’m just disappointed. The Bengals are still very much in a place to accept moral victories, so congrats on the brief possibility of a win, Cincy.
  
• Lions over Jaguars
  Hey, you may be the Lions, but at least you’re not the Jaguars.
  
• Bears over Panthers
  Teams like the Bears happen all the time: We all know their early-season record is inflated, but when you look at their 5-game cushion and their mostly-soft schedule late in the year, you realize chances are they’re ending up with 10-12 wins and decent playoff seeding.
  
• Dolphins shut out Jets the week I start their defense in fantasy
  This time last year we were all convinced the Dolphins were going 0-16. So maybe the Jets can make it to 6-10. 0 wins seems more likely though.
  
• Bad Guys defeat the Good Guys
  The Green Tampa game just sucked. It really did. Main takeaways are that a) life’s not fair and b) Todd Bowles really should be a head coach somewhere.
  
• 49ers over Rams
  Something about the Niners just makes Jared Goff fall flat on his face. As a Seahawks fan, this ends up as one of those Winning On The Bye Week situations, with the Rams taking an L and the Niners losing another running back.
  
• Chiefs over Bills
  I drafted Clyde Edwards-Helaire in fantasy because as much as I don’t want to implicitly support the Chiefs by using their players, I will be damned if they’re gonna have another good chess piece to employ without my benefitting vicariously.
  
• Cardinals over Cowboys
  The NFC East is 2-15-1 outside their own division. Fucking incredible.