Full schedule prediction here
Philadelphia Eagles
Predicted record: 12-4
Last year’s record: 9-7
Vegas over/under: 10 (over)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Can you name a more talented roster? Carson Wentz is finally clear of the Get Injured And Watch Nick Foles Dorian Gray His Talent chapter of his career. DJax is back. Zach Brown is here to stop being 30% of the talent on Washington’s defense and start being 5% of the talent on Philly’s. Fletch Cox isn’t injured anymore. Jordan Howard fits Doug Pederson’s run scheme better than last year’s cadre of runners. Everything is aligning for a return trip.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
This time when Wentz’s faberge knees and back give out they will be counting on Josh McCown to bail them out, which is fucking hilarious. If I learned anything from last season it’s that the Broncos are fucked long-term, and if there’s another thing I learned last season it’s that the ratio of credit given to Pederson vs Robert Reich was WAY off. Alshon Jeffrey is the only receiver the Eagles have and he’s barely a receiver.
Dallas Cowboys
Predicted record: 7-9
Last year’s record: 10-6
Vegas over/under: 9 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Oh god, I hope not. But weirder things have happened. An exceptional running back will get you fan in this league, and Zeke is certainly that. Travis Frederick is back from treatment for a rare blood disease, which will probably give an exponential boost to the o-line. We’ll get to see what Amari Cooper does in a full year of not having to deal with the Raiders’ bullshit. Jaylon Smith and Leighton Vander Esch headline an athletic linebacker corps that powers a high-end defense.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
For all that talent, the Cowboys are still the Cowboys. They have ongoing contract disputes with every major player on their offense, and god do I hope it keeps Zeke out for a week or two. Please hold out, Ezekiel, do something right for a change. Cooper seems just as likely to decide he’s bored of football again as he is to take advantage of a full offseason in this system, which by the way is run by Kellen Fucking Moore??? The Cowboys made the playoffs last season so I would hit the under hard for them this year, they like to yoyo more than any team this side of Carolina.
New York Giants
Predicted record: 4-12
Last year’s record: 5-11
Vegas over/under: 6 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Sa-QUADS. Eli is a NEW MAN. And when that NEW MAN gets BENCHED he’s got a HELLUVA BACKUP now! Daniel Jones did look like and honest to god quarterback out there this preseason, so who knows. The Giants focused on level-headed, subtle roster improvements this offseason. It’s almost like they realize that every time they have success it’s because a strong pass rush and run game do the heavy lifting so Eli can stumble ass-backwards into a miracle play in the last few minutes of a Patriots super bowl loss.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Both Giants QBs looked great in the preseason. You know who else looked great in preseason? The 4-0 and subsequently 0-16 2007 Lions. This is Pat Shurmur we’re talking about. This is a team so far up its own ass that they decided sending Odell Beckham Jr. to Cleveland for no reason was better than, you know, keeping him in town. The secondary here is like Swiss cheese and the pass rush ain’t exactly Michael Strahan.
Washington Potatoes
Predicted record: 3-13
Last year’s record: 7-9
Vegas over/under: 6 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Hey, I think Dwayne Haskins is gonna be good. And Darius Guice is a thing now. I honestly think Jay Gruden is underrated as a coach. Hell, I just won a super bowl with this franchise on Madden!
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Because none of us have been bad enough to deserve that, right? Also because this is the most mismanaged team in the league. That Madden super bowl? It was a Super Bowl LV win on Madden 18 with the London Black Knights, quarterbacked by Colin Kaepernick. Fuck Dan Snyder.
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 