Full schedule prediction here
Los Angeles Rams
Predicted record: 11-5 #2
Last year’s record: 13-3
Vegas over/under: 10.5 (over)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Coach Doogie Howser returns for another go at it after lighting the league on fire in 2018. This team got as close as you can to winning the super bowl without actually doing so. As the league’s youngest roster, they’ll surely learn from the experience and come back even stronger than before. You can bet Sean McVay has some more cards up his sleeve and that Jared Goff will continue his upward trajectory. Aaron Donald is perfectly primed to be the league’s first three-time consecutive Defensive Player of the Year.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Something is up with Todd Gurley. I’m sure he’ll look fine in the first part of the season and everyone will be talking about how we overreacted to his health concerns, but when the Rams have to play on the road in the cold and Goff does his best Drew Brees In Cold Weather Games impression, I think Gurley will start fading just like he did last year. On top of that, there is now a full season of game tape on McVay’s sweeps and reverses, so he’ll have to innovate the way he innovates. It’s not that I don’t think he can do it but I would expect a super bowl hangover.
Seattle Seahawks
Predicted record: 7-9
Last year’s record: 10-6
Vegas over/under: 8.5 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
How ’bout that Jadeveon Clowney, eh? It seems every time the Seahawks are counted out they are back in the playoffs again. Russell Wilson carries the team on his shoulders better than just about any QB in the league (now that Luck is deceased and Cam is shellshocked). Have you seen DK Metcalf? He is straight out of a Marvel movie. Pete Carroll is the second best coach in the NFL, first if you only count ones who are 9/11 truthers.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
There has to be an end to the amount of roster turnover the Seahawks can withstand. The o-line never, ever gets better, and at some point that will result in Wilson missing more than a few snaps, and when that happens this team will fall the fuck apart. The whole Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf fast-and-small vs big-and-clumsy thing has about a 20% chance of actually working, and the Seahawks treat the running back position like donald trump’s staff: once you think you know who you need to be keeping tabs on, there’s someone you’ve never heard of doing the lion’s share of the work. Sometimes it seems like that works for them but you’ll notice they haven’t been in a super bowl since Marshawn Lynch fucked off to Anywhere But Seattle.
San Francisco 49ers
Predicted record: 5-11
Last year’s record: 4-12
Vegas over/under: 8 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
After 3 years of fucking around with crumbling rosters, Kyle Shanahan finally gets to put his best foot forward with a healthy — wait, what’s that? Oh, really? Oh god.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
They’re all injured again. AGAIN! Sure, Jimmy G is ready to take the field and probably won’t throw 7 INTs in a row like he did in practice and then again in Denver, and George Kittle will never be injured, but for the ninth time in the lest three years the Niners have the second best thing after being good: an excuse for being bad.
Arizona Cardinals
Predicted record: 5-11
Last year’s record: 3-13
Vegas over/under: 5-11
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Because nobody believes in them.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Last year’s caboose counting on a short rookie QB and a new head coach whose highest level of experience is getting fired from a college OC position? What could possibly go wrong?
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 