Full schedule prediction here
New England Patriots
Predicted record: 12-4 #1
Last year’s record: 11-5
Vegas over/under: 11 (over)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Because this is the darkest timeline. It’s Vladimir Putin’s world, and we’re just living in it. The rainforests are all burning, white supremacists run most major world governments, Old Town Road isn’t #1 anymore, and the Patriots are gonna win another super bowl.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Gronk is gone, which is great because it means I can finally truly appreciate his Giant Puppy Dog charm in the context it was born for: as a CBD spokesman and occasional TV guest star. Tom Brady faded down the stretch last year, which means he’s probably only got about 12 years left in him #GradualDecline. Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft will get distracted by trump’s reelection campaign to focus on a ring to round out Count Rugen’s left hand.
New York Jets
Predicted record: 9-7
Last year’s record: 4-12
Vegas over/under: 7.5 (over)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Adam Gase clearly has a 90s-Cowboys-esque view on whether cocaine helps with football. They won like a ton of games so that’s probably good. Nothing will help Sam Darnold build on a low-key very good rookie campaign like having LeVeon Bell around.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Cocaine is not actually good for football, and even if it was Gase probably was actually just born that way. Bell has been out of football for a year and Darnold was pretty careless with the ball last season. This defense is nothing to write home about, and in the end the Jets are still the Jets. I had to gift them a win against the Pats to get them to 9 wins in my simulation so they’re probably a .500 unit.
Buffalo Bills
Predicted record: 7-9
Last year’s record: 6-10
Vegas over/under: 7 (push)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
This is a team only one year removed from storming the playoff! Sean McDermott has proven to be a great coach, especially when it comes to building stingy defenses. Josh Allen is one of the most athletic QBs in the league.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
Allen also had like a 45% completion rate in his first year, and he’ll be counting on an aging LeSean McCoy to keep the run game going. The defense is shallow enough that McDermott’s scheming might not be enough to make them a top unit again.
Miami Dolphins
Predicted record: 3-13
Last year’s record: 7-9
Vegas over/under: 4.5 (under)
Why they’ll win the super bowl:
Josh Rosen and Ryan Fitzpatrick are the perfect one-two punch that every team is looking for at QB. And ninth time’s the charm for teams growing a new branch off the Belichick coaching tree and hoping it bears fruit. Kenyan Drake is a real NFL running back. There are players on the defense who are good at football.
Why they won’t win the super bowl:
lol jk
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 