NFL writing and predictions for people who hate the NFL
I didn’t learn a fucking thing from the first 4 weeks of the season. Not one goddamn thing.
AWARDS
Most Valuable Player: Patrick Mahomes
Offensive Player of the Year: Christian McCaffrey
Defensive Player of the Year: Khalil Mack
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Gardner Minshew
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Devin Bush
Coach of the Year: Bill Belichick
Comeback Player of the Year: Travis Frederick
Game by game breakdown here
Seattle Seahawks (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2
Something to change:
Chris Carson fumbles.
Something to keep the same:
The DK Metcalf/Tyler Lockett combo.
Los Angeles Rams (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #2
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Something to change:
Remember how to do defense.
Something to keep the same:
Creative play calling again.
San Francisco 49ers (3-0)
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 10-6
Something to change:
Resurrect the defense because they all dead.
Something to keep the same:
The Jimmy G experience.
Arizona Cardinals (0-3-1)
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 3-12-1
Something to change:
Losing.
Something to keep the same:
I guess Kyler Murray? He’s cool.
Game by game breakdown here
Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 12-4
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #3
Something to change:
Once more, injuries.
Something to keep the same:
Carson Wentz making Elway-esque plays.
Dallas Cowboys (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #6
Something to change:
Cupcake schedule.
Something to keep the same:
The Kellen Moore offense.
New York Giants (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 4-12
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Something to change:
Reminder that you’re allowed to play defense.
Something to keep the same:
They already made the most important change.
Washington Potatoes (0-4)
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 3-13
Something to change:
Everything but the coach.
Something to keep the same:
You just know the only thing they’re gonna change is the coach.
Game by game breakdown here
Green Bay Packers (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 10-6
Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #4
Something to change:
Second half offense.
Something to keep the same:
Mike Pettine!
Chicago Bears (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #3
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5
Something to change:
Make Chase Daniel the starter!
Something to keep the same:
Khalil Mack is kinda good at football.
Detroit Lions (2-1-1)
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 8-7-1
Something to change:
Tie every week.
Something to keep the same:
Ooooh, offense? In Detroit? It’s more likely than you think.
Minnesota Vikings (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 8-8
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Something to change:
Play every game in Minnesota.
Something to keep the same:
Run Dalvin Cook on like 70% of plays.
Game by game breakdown here
Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #3
Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2
Something to change:
Just fucking cut Tyreek Hill, this should not be difficult.
Something to keep the same:
Maybe as soon as his shoulder heals you could arrange a “tragic and ironic accident” that re-injures it.
Los Angeles Chargers (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 10-6
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Something to change:
Injuries. Also, labor violations. Pay Melvin Gordon you cowards!
Something to keep the same:
Dude, Philip Rivers is having himself a season.
Oakland Raiders (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 5-11
Something to change:
Could you cut Antonio Brown every week?
Something to keep the same:
Or maybe play teams that have half their roster sidelined every week?
Denver Broncos (0-4)
Preseason prediction: 8-8
Q1 Prediction: 4-12
Something to change:
WIN SOME GODDAMN GAMES!!!!!!!!
Something to keep the same:
Oh my god it should not be that hard. Our offense is doing great! Flacco is for real! Emmanuel Sanders is all the way back and Courtland Sutton is making a leap! Philip Lindsey and Royce Freeman are a top-shelf duo! Mike Munchak has the o-line on an upward trajectory! We finally started getting sacks! Chris Harris is still amazing! But no! We have to keep inventing gut-wrenching ways to get called for roughing the passer when we didn’t rough the passer.
Game by game breakdown here
New England Patriots (4-0)
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #1
Q1 Prediction: 14-2 #1
Something to change:
Stop being assholes.
Something to keep the same:
Probably everything football-related.
Buffalo Bills (3-1)
Preseason prediction: 7-9
Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5
Something to change:
Josh Allen’s decision making.
Something to keep the same:
Defense, holy crap.
New York Jets (0-3)
Preseason prediction: 9-7
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Something to change:
Sam Darnold got mono!!!!!!
Something to keep the same:
Leveon Bell is working out pretty well!
Miami Dolphins (0-4)
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 0-16
Something to change:
Please don’t, I love seeing history.
Something to keep the same:
Never change, Dolphins.
Game by game breakdown here
Houston Texans (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #4
Something to change:
Something about the offense is just… Off… It’s not necessarily just pass blocking? It’s ineffable.
Something to keep the same:
But like, everything about the offense seems like it SHOULD be working!
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 7-9 #4
Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #6
Something to change:
Whatever they did to Jalen Ramsey they should probably fix.
Something to keep the same:
Gardner. Mothafuckin. Minshew. Please never reveal to me that he’s a child molester or a trump voter or a patriots fan. I’d rather live in blissful ignorance.
Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 5-11
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Something to change:
Don’t get injured so much.
Something to keep the same:
Committing to Jake Brisket. Especially the part where their o-line is stupid good.
Tennessee Titans (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 6-10
Q1 Prediction: 5-11
Something to change:
Those weeks where they look like the Dolphins.
Something to keep the same:
Those weeks where they look like the Patriots.
Game by game breakdown here
Baltimore Ravens (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 11-5 #5
Q1 Prediction: 11-5, #3
Something to change:
Get Earl Thomas to stick to his coverages.
Something to keep the same:
Using Lamar Jackson better than anyone else would except probably Evil Emperor Belichick.
Cleveland Browns (2-2)
Preseason prediction: 10-6 #6
Q1 Prediction: 8-8
Something to change:
Return some of those high-priced free agents to get at least one pass blocker back.
Something to keep the same:
The locker room’s us-against-the-world mentality.
Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3)
Preseason prediction: 12-4 #2
Q1 Prediction: 6-10
Something to change:
Offense. Everything about it. Un-injure Ben? Make JuJu a #2WR again?
Something to keep the same:
Defense. Just… Keep sacking guys?
Cincinnati Bengals (0-4)
Preseason prediction: 3-13
Q1 Prediction: 4-12
Something to change:
Time to end the Andy Dalton era.
Something to keep the same:
I honestly haven’t cared enough about the Bengals to notice anything they’re doing well. Oh, John Ross! That guy’s fast. Keep being fast, little dude.
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 