WEEK 13 POWER RANKINGS 2020

The Titans bullied their way back into the top 10 and the Niners fought for a middling spot, but the big new thing is that the Packers are on top! They’ve had more dud weeks than the Steelers and Chiefs, but they’re more impressive when they’re at their best, and mostly I just hate KC and Pittsburgh.

WEEK 12 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 2-1 (23-25)
Locks: 7-1 (49-15)
Survivor: 10-2 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB, MIA, NO
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: The Hooded One pulled a win over a talented young QB out of his ass for the umpteenth time, proving there are some tricks still up his sleeve. The self-anointed Pharaoh gave an up-and-down performance that fell well short in a passing-the-torch game. Point Bill, and we are tied going into the home stretch! (Bill: 4 Tom: 4)
Title Belt: NO defended from DEN (4 week reign)
Needles: 1-2-1 (9-17-11) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (11-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-11)

The Graveyard:
Jets, Jaguars

  • Texans over Lions
    It took getting utterly humiliated by Deshaun Watson (which happens even to good defenses sometimes) in their beloved Thanksgiving game for the Lions to put the kibosh on the Matt Patricia Experience. It should have been over the minute they learned about his rape allegations. Good riddance to a guy who could easily have gotten a job as White House Press Secretary over the last four years.
  • WTFs over Cowboys
    Honestly I have to remind myself sometimes that just because they FINALLY changed the name doesn’t mean I feel comfortable rooting for this garbage organization. Then again, without the whole name thing, they’re just another abhorrent franchise like the Cowboys. And at least Washington has Alex Smith. The division remains wide open.
  • Browns over Jags
    Beating the Mike Glennon Jaguars by 2 is hardly impressive, but I don’t want to just let it blend into the background of 2020 weirdness that the Cleveland Browns are all but guaranteed to make the playoffs this season. If any team could screw this up it’s them, but that they’re at this point at all is incredible.
  • Pats over Cards
    At no point during this game did I feel safe about the Cardinals’ lead. It was not at all pretty but this win was vintage Bellichick and kept New England on the outskirts of playoff relevance. Like at the end of Terminator.
  • Bills over Chargers
    Just as I expected, the Chargers were outplayed but insisted on hanging around. But then with 3 seconds left after converting a 4th and 11 with a Hail Mary down to the two yard line, San Diego ran some kind of botched QB sneak and lost by 10. I’ve really liked Anthony Lynn as a coach but it’s legit to wonder whether he might not be the guy to move the Herbert Era forward.
  • Fins over Jets
    It’s crystal clear that Adam Gase is only here to ensure that the Jets join the Hall of Infamy as the third 0-16 team and lock up Trevor Lawrence at the 2021 draft, but that won’t stop him from lying to reporters about who was in charge of playing calls in this game.
  • Giants over Bengals
    By the end of this one it was Brandon Allen vs Colt McCoy, and it ended 17-19 with the victory leaving the Giants tied with the [REDACTED]s for their division at 4-7. So, definitely worth the time and money and loss of health and life that this season has required.
  • Falcons over Raiders
    It’s just funny to watch the Raiders’ hopes shattered, okay? The Falcons may have gotten rid of a head coach but they didn’t get rid of the habit of losing their way out of the playoff picture and then immediately winning their way out of a good draft pick.
  • Titans over Colts
    The AFC South race stays interesting with this result, the product of another absolutely bonkers day from Derrick Henry. Like the Browns’ playoff push, I hope Henry’s defiance of the trend of disposable running backs doesn’t get overlooked as secondary to the chaos of Pandemicball.
  • COVID over NFL
  • Niners over Rams
    Honestly it’s hilarious to me that Sean McVay is 0-2 against the Niners this year, both on walkoff field goals. Hope San Francisco enjoy the win because it turned into the beginning of a road trip when Santa Clara County banned contact sports. Santa Clara is smarter than the NFL. So now Shanahan’s squad will play their next two home games in Arizona. ARIZONA! I know!
  • Chiefs over Bucs
    Brady’s not allowed to throw any more TDs until Brees catches up with his all-time record, it’s only fair that way.
  • Pack over Bears
    It was easy for me to envision the Packers winning but flatly and unimpressively. Instead they kicked Chicago’s teeth in and took their 100th win over the team in decisive fashion. Encouraging.
  • Hawks over Eagles
    I’m writing this as I watch the Ravens-Steelers game and it was the Monday Night game but it still feels like it was nine years ago.
  • COVID over NFL again
    Absolutely hollering over the fact that all of that drama was about this shitty-ass game. Big shoutout to the woman who went to a Steelers game in person in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon during a pandemic, just to get shitfaced drunk and yell at the refs so loud the commentators had to awkwardly address it. What a legend.

WEEK 11 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 2-2 (21-24)
Locks: 2-2 (42-14)
Survivor: 9-2 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB, MIA
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Bill managed to lose to a team that’s only beaten the Jaguars this season, and Tom threw the decisive interception in a loss to a conference rival, so no points awarded this week, losers! (Bill: 3 Tom: 4)
Title Belt: NO defended from ATL (3 week reign)
Needles: 1-2-1 (8-15-10) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (10-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-10)

The Graveyard:
Jets

  • Seahawks over Cardinals
    It’s fun being a Seahawks fan because every game is a roller coaster ride.
  • Leg Crushers over Bengals
    The lord giveth Alex Smith and the lord taketh away Joe Burrow.
  • Saints But Taysomier over Falcons
    All this and yet Sean Payton won’t get any consideration for coach of the year.
  • Steelers over Jaguars
    I have no idea what happened in this game, and that is true freedom.
  • Texans over Patriots
    I wonder how long it will take for the Pats winning to get old. Probably at least a decade.
  • Browns over Eagles
    Do we really have to keep having games in Cleveland? They’re all miserable.
  • Panthers shut out Lions
    I am super aware that Kenny Golladay didn’t suit up, because I didn’t have time to take him out of my lineup, but even so it is hilariously unacceptable to have been shut out in this game. Props to PJ Walker who is now a combined 7-0 in the AAFL and NFL.
  • Titans over Ravens in OT
    Have you noticed how there aren’t fewer or less sever cases of COVID in the NFL than there were when they were moving games around for them, they just are announcing cases at different times and somehow declaring everyone safe within 5 days? Yeah, the NFL didn’t get COVID under control, it bet on everyone (owners, coaches, players, spectators, fans, sponsors, everyone) being too tired and sad to do anything about their decision to stop pretending to care.
  • Broncos over both Tua and Fitzmagic!!
    It means nothing but it’s nice to see! Or at least sort of see, because they never fucking air Broncos games here and my streaming site is total shit. I gotta get back to Colorado ASAP. Come on, vaccine distribution!
  • Colts over Packers in OT
    Aaron Rodgers loves to throw absurd, impossible passes in games that he goes on to lose.
  • Chargers over Team That Doesn’t Get a Name
    If it wasn’t happening here it’s not happening ever. The Jets are going 0-16.
  • Cowboys over Vikings are you fricking kidding me??
    Honest question: Who’s the best quarterback in the NFC East? Probably Daniel Jones, right? But just barely ahead of a three-way tie between Carson Wentz, Alex Smith, and Andy Dalton. God I love this division.
  • Chiefs over Raiders
    Almost. Horseshoes and hand grenades.
  • Rams over Buccos
    Hahahahahhahahahahahaahahahah Tom Brady sucks!

WEEK 10 RECAP 2020

Underdogs: 2-4 (19-22)
Locks: 2-1 (40-12)
Survivor: 9-1 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Sure, the Bucs got their groove back and Tom looked fine, but Belichick took out a bitter rival using a slapdash roster in miserable weather in primetime, so he gets a slight nod of half a point here. (Bill: 3 Tom: 4)
Title Belt: NO defended from SF (2 week reign)
Needles: 0-3-0 (7-13-9) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award Finalist: PIT (9-0)
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Finalist: NYJ (0-9)

  • Colts over Titans
    The wind is leaving the Titans’ sails at an alarming pace. Why are the worst divisions always the NFC East and the AFC South?
  • Packers over Jaguars but still…
    The Packers won eventually but we are all highly disturbed by the way they struggled with the Jags defense and special teams. Remember when I said “Remember when people called the 2019 Packers a ‘soft 13-3’?”…
  • Bucs over Panthers
    First half was kinda fun. Second half sucked. With Brees injured (spoilers) and the TD record tied, Brady had better have a shitty couple of weeks going forward.
  • Giants over Eagles
    MAXIMUM
    CHAOS
  • Weather over Browns over Texans
    I forgive Nick Chubb but only because I won my fantasy matchup anyway.
  • Lions over Mangled Stump of Alex Smith’s Leg
    A Loser Bowl is always decided by Matt Prater.
  • Deandre Hopkins over Three Bills Defenders
    I could watch the Hail Murray over and over again.
  • Dolphins over Chargers
    Starting to fully grasp that the Dolphins are going to the playoffs. Turns out Brian Flores was the brains of the operation all along.
  • Steelers over Bengals
    Good day to have Tee Higgins and Chase Claypool, I’ll tell you that much.
  • Raiders over… *Sigh*… Broncos
    We find ourselves once more at the point of realizing that between our head coach, OC, and QB, at least 2 of them are not working out.
  • Saints over Niners
    But at what cost? I cannot watch James Winston. I just can’t.
  • Rams over Seahawks
    Don’t wanna talk about it.
  • Empire Strikes Back
    Really? When the Pats are actually contenders the Ravens always make it a game but when they’re operating as a skeleton crew they just roll over?
  • Vikings over Bears
    I really am not a fan of the Bears’ orange kits.