Month: December 2021

We’re all just… Ready for this to be over, right?

• Titans over 49ers
  Mike Vrabel is a hell of a coach.
  
• Packers over Browns
  I honestly don’t want to go back to the Browns being a joke. That would be really fucking sad.
  
• Colts over Cardinals
  The Colts have an insane amount of momentum, except now Carson Wentz has COVID and they’ll probably have to start Max Ehrlinger.
  
• Bills over Patriots
  HELL YEAH go little rockstar
  
• Buccaneers over Panthers
  Eew
  
• Texans upset Chargers
  That’s so fucking Chargers
  
• Eagles over Giants
  If the Eagles make the playoffs I’m picking them for an upset in the first round.
  
• Jets over Jags
  Battle of #1 vs #2 picks, and it did not go to the former.
  
• Falcons over Lions
  Kyle Pitts that’s it that’s the tweet
  
• Rams over Vikings
  These teams have had some classics in the last few years but this was not one.
  
• Bengals overkill Ravens
  Joe Burrow!
  
• *Sigh* Bears over Seahawks
  It was snowing I thought that would be a good luck thing.
  
• Raiders all but eliminate Broncos
  The Broncos offense is like when a squid runs itself aground in Minecraft and then flops for a second before dying immediately.
  
• Chiefs over Steelers
  Terrible all around.
  
• Dallas pummels the ever-loving shit out of Washington
  Not often that a Cowboys blowout makes me happy, but this was hilarious.
  
• Dolphins over sham Saints
  Changed my pick when it became official that Ian Book would start. His name is Book. Like, for nerds.

Ding Dong the Wicked Witch of Duvaaaaaaaaal is dead.

• Chiefs sit back and let the Chargers Charger in OT
  It wasn’t pretty. But it was pretty funny.
  
• Colts out-Patriot the Patriots
  Carson Wentz had 5 completions. Jonathan Taylor should be MVP.
  
• Bills over kickerless Panthers
  I’m sure the kicker was the only reason they lost.
  
• Dolphins over Jets
  Classic backdoor cover by the Jets, but no upset, despite the Dolphins being Perna Cursed during their bye week.
  
• Lions!!!!!!!!!
  It’s art. It’s really just art.
  
• Cowboys over Giants for some reason
  Who watches these?
  
• Titans fall victim to the Perna Curse vs Steelers
  It’s undefeated against teams outside the AFC East.
  
• Texans over Bevell Bumps
  I would have taken the Jaguars if Urabn Meyer hadn’t been fired. I should have stuck with it because the Jags fucking suck.
  
• Bengals send Broncos’ season to the woodshed
  We had to win this game. Even after our QB was knocked the fuck out, we had a shot. And then Drew Lock pulled his usual bizarre turnover, the Bengals avoided fumbling away that fumble thanks to a technicality, and Pat Shurmur’s offense did what it does best: nothing. Good bye, 2021 playoffs.
  
• Niners over Falcons
  Yeah
  
• Packers over Analytics
  A lot happened in this game, including the Packers offense looking unstoppable, and the Packers defense looking completely uninterested in covering Mark Andrews or stopping Bret Hundley or whoever from scrambling, and the Ravens failing a 2-point conversion with the game on the line for the second time in three weeks. Not to be an analytics stan, but if you think it was the wrong choice because it didn’t work, you’re missing the point that overtime was even less likely to end in a win. That’s true whether you ask the numbers or your gut — unless your gut sucks.
  
• Tom Brady can’t do shit against Dennis Allen’s Saints!!!!
  Ha! Fucker can’t do shit! He sucks ass! I would probably have picked the Saints if Sean Payton didn’t get COVID, turns out it doesn’t really matter.
  
• Raiders squeeze one out against Nick Mullins’ Browns
  The 2021 season is finally starting to look like the 2020 season. In a bad way.
  
• Vikings and Bears put on a comedy of errors
  The Justin Field TD down 14 with 0:00 on the clock was not a victimless crime: I lost my fantasy matchup because of it, and now I have to play my father-in-law for last place in the league next week.
  
• Eagles over Washing machines
  Watching Die Hard right now. I probably never will again because it’s such a fucking boring useless movie.
  
• Rams knockout Seahawks
  I hear there were some referee shenanigans in this game but by Tuesday night I absolutely could not bring myself to actually follow a football game. Sorry.

It’s the time of year where we start actually getting results! With several clinching scenarios on the table, none of them played out, and we could still end up with any combination of the eligible teams in the postseason. Several teams, however, were eliminated, all by one of my teams! (Got the 4-team sweep, a Golden Week)! With the exception of the Giants, every team still in the running seems like they have a path, if long for some, to at least the 7 seed. This is the new NFL, folks.

• Vikings hang on vs Steelers
  I really don’t think either of them is going to the playoffs.
  
• Browns beat Ravens, possibly for the season
  Not only is there now a complete logjam at the top of the AFC North, but Lamar Jackson is not hobbled at best. Intrigue.
  
• Titans shut out Losers
  The Jaguars have the vibe of a team coming to the end of a multi-year contentious power struggle, but they packed it all into one year. Incredible.
  
• Chiefs punish Raiders
  Most of the league-wide hatred of the Raiders is racist, but they don’t help their cause when they flex on the logo of a team that hung 40 on them already this season and that they knew would likely do it again. This was the rare Scorigami that is also a NFL Title Belt matchup.
  
• New Orleans Kamara over Jets
  I also won my fantasy matchup. Missed the playoffs though. Thanks, Mahomes.
  
• Cowboys over WaWas
  This was probably the last gasp of the NFC East At Large in their battle against the Cowboys. They lost pretty bad so here we are.
  
• Falcons over Panthers
  Next week there is a game between the Jaguars and Jets, the first one of the season where neither team has a change of postseason play. That will be less anonymous than this.
  
• Seahawks over Already-Dead Texans
  If Seattle wins out all it will amount to is trollingJets fans. So, worth it.
  
• Broncos do good by DT
  I cried. Still, doesn’t mean much.
  
• Chargers over Giants
  Scary.
  
• 49ers over Bengals in OT
  If you ever wished there was a match between the 7 seeds from both conferences, this is it.
  
• Buccaneers over Bills in OT
  Don’t talk to me.
  
• Packers still own Bears
  As soon as I started hating Rodgers he started playing like an MVP.
  
• Rams split Cards
  Again, intrigue!