Tag: 2019

WEEK 4 RECAP 2019

After a slew of upsets and an amazing 4-11 split for home teams this week, there are only 3 teams undefeated at the Don’t-Call-It-A-Quarter-Pole, and only 2 if you don’t count the Niners because they’re a week behind now. There are also 5 winless teams, all of them coached by new HCs. Just like in real life, it seems the hegemonic powers are as steady as ever, while the lower class are desperate just to keep surviving.

PHI over GB
Now that we kinda know what a catch is, let’s get really confused about what pass interference is.

CLE over BAL
It was a close thing until the third quarter when Mark Ingram (on my fantasy team) decided to fumble, and Nick Chubb (on my opponent’s fantasy team) went off for like 200 yards and 3 TDs. Baltimore’s defense is kind of a concern, isn’t it?

LAC over MIA
They really are gonna go 0-16. Wild.

KC over DET
Many, myself included, game Detroit a chance in this game, and were not disappointed. Were it not for a 100-yard fumble return, the Lions would have squeezed this one out. But when you give Patrick Mahomes a shot at a game winning drive chances are he’s gonna do it.

CAR over HOU
I was gonna draft Christian McCaffrey in fantasy. I was gonna fuckin do it. And then the draft just… Auction drafts are complicated and I’m bad at them. Anyway, Carolina is legit somehow, so enjoy that. Kyle Allen fumbled 3 times and the Panthers still won. Of course, they also intercepted DeAndre Hopkins in the red zone, so maybe Bill O’Brien deserves some of that credit.

NE over BUF
The Pats got up on the virtue of a blocked punt TD, and stayed up thanks to knocking Josh Allen out of the game in the 4th. Driving with a minute left and a 6 point deficit Matt Barkley got blasted and airballed an INT. I was actually impressed by every aspect of the Bills’ game except the quarterbacking and the lack of dildos thrown on the field, breaking a 4-year streak.

OAK over IND
Speaking of breaking streaks: The Raiders won in Indy! Injuries caught up to the Colts, with the likes of TY Hilton and Darius Leonard off the field. If you went back in time to when the Raiders signed Jon Gruden and told me that in 2019 Team Captain Vontaze Burfict would be suspended from the team for a year for headhunting, I would have been devastatingly unsurprised.

NYG over WSH
That’s gotta feel good for Giants fans. Some guy named [look up guy’s name] replaced Saquon’s production seamlessly, and Daniel Jones had the quintessential Pretty Good Rookie game. Who knew all it took to make this team look good was replacing everything about it?

TEN over ATL
The Titans do this like three times a year. They’ve already used two of them. Wanna bet they’ll use their last one on Denver?

TB over LAR
One of the larger upsets. Remember when I said the Buccs would either look amazing week 1 and then fall apart or look terrible week 1 and then pull it together? Yeah.

SEA over ARI
An easy one for Seattle, which is nice. The Cardinals should be concerned that they’re an easy win for a division opponent in Glendale.

JAX over DEN
I was prepared to lose, but not like this. Not while losing Bradley Chubb to an ACL for the year. Not going up 17-3 and looking like it would be at least 20-3 before Flacco throws one of the stupidest INTs so far and from that point on we give up 779 rushing yards to Leonard Fournette (on my opponent’s fantasy team) and miss 13 sack opportunities every play while the Jags get 95% time of possession. Not once again scoring the go-ahead TD in the last minute only to watch the refs revive the other team’s stalling FG drive with a bullshit RTP. It’s time to start looking to next season, earlier in the season than I’ve ever witnessed before.

CHI over MIN
What the fuck even is Kirk Cousins? The Vikings can’t get consistent QB play out of him, while the Bears lost Trubisky and put in Chase Daniel without missing a beat.

NO over DAL
The Cowboys played a real cupcake schedule in the first three weeks, but I fell for it anyway. The Saints defense looked amazing in this game. If the Saints cane avoid dropping more than a couple games before Drew Brees is back, it might end up being their saving grace, keeping him fresh for the postseason push.

PIT over CIN
Oh god, Cindy is so bad. They made James Conner (on my opponent’s fantasy team) look like Ladanian Tomlinson.

Underdogs: 1-0 (5-7) 
Locks: 3-3 (15-4-1)
Survivor: 4-0 BAL, NE, GB, LAC
Don Shula Award Candidates: NE, KC, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Candidates: CIN, MIA, DEN, WSH
Title Belt: NE defended from BUF (5 week reign)

WEEK 3 RECAP 2019

It was really uncomfortable when my teams played each other, and even more uncomfortable when both of the teams I wanted to win didn’t win. Why do we invest so much energy into results we don’t have any control over? It’s a terrible idea, a scam, a hustle. A conspiracy to sell Bud Light. Well guess what? I will never, ever buy Bud Light.

JAX over TEN
Kinda smug about how hard I called this one. The Legend of Minshew is a bit much but he did play pretty well. The AFC South plot thickens…

GB over DEN
Still no sacks or turnovers. We moved the ball very well. We controlled the clock to an extraordinary degree. And then we shot ourselves in the foot a billion times. It’s pretty frustrating. But hey, the Packers are 3-0 and look like they’re just getting their sea legs! That defense is legit and Aaron Rodgers is still Aaron Rodgers.

BUF over CIN
The Bengals figure to have few opportunities to win this season, and they’ve already squandered two of them. The Bills can breathe a sigh of relief for like half a second and then have a panic attack when they look at all the Patriots’ scores in the last 9 months.

DAL over MIA
Is it weird that this felt like a pretty competitive showing by the Dolphins? Oof, this is gonna be a long season y’all. Rosen was definitely an upgrade. You love to see it.

IND over ATL
The Falcons had six possessions in this game. SIX! And yet still Matt Ryan and Julio Jones managed to rack up enough fantasy points for my opponent to bury my ass in the cold ground. Jake Brisket is the Truth, so write that down.

NE over NYJ
I think Old Bill fell asleep at halftime on this one. The Patriots defense still hasn’t let up a touchdown since regulation time of the AFC Championship. That’s technically 17 quarters.

DET over PHI
Not surprised by this result. The Eagles are gonna be like this for the whole Pederson/Wentz era: a Super Bowl contender that sometimes loses back to back regular season games to middle-of-the-pack teams.

MIN over OAK
Legit shit by Dalvin Cook again. Embarrassment for the Raiders, which usually would be great but since we were embarrassed by Oakland we are now embarrassed again by the transitive property.

KC over BAL
A close scoreline but Baltimore was not actually up for the challenge of the Chiefs. Their defense in particular looked pedestrian. It’s gotta be weird for the Ravens to go from playing nobodies to playing the best team in the NFL. Hard to judge them fairly in either case.

NYG over TB
Daniel Jones comes in, sees Mike Evans record a game’s worth of stats in the first 20 minutes, loses Saquon Barkley, has 2 passing TD and 2 rushing TD, and then Tampa miss a walkoff FG to solidify New York’s 18 point comeback? Sounds about right.

CAR over ARI
Oh okay, fine, I was really fucking wrong.

NO over SEA
Every team has a Moore’s Law game, and this was Seattle’s. Trippy shit all day went wrong. And of course I think we all underestimated Sean Payton’s motivation to prove that he can make this team competitive with Teddy Bridgewater. Never underestimate Payton’s pettiness.

SF over PIT
The fact that the 49ers turned the ball over 5 times and still won tells you a lot about Pittsburgh. Mason Rudolph was only so-so, and Minkah Fitzpatrick was a standout on an overmatched defense.

HOU over LAC
The Texans are the NFL’s most generically-branded team, but Deshaun Watson is one of the most fun players in the league to watch. This Chargers slump is in the dictionary under “regression to the mean.” The AFC South plot thickens…

LAR over CLE
I don’t blame Baker so much. But Freddie Kitchens? Yeah, I blame him.

CHI over WSH
Is Dwayne Haskins starting yet?

Record: 9-7 (28-19-1)
ATS: 9-7 +$26 (28-19-1 +$36)
Underdogs: 2-4 (4-7) 
Locks: 5-0 (12-1-1)
Survivor: 3-0 BAL, NE, GB
Don Shula Award: NE, BUF, KC, GB, DAL, LAR, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award: PIT, CIN, MIA, DEN, WSH
Title Belt: NE defended from NYJ (4 week reign)

WEEK 3 PREDICTIONS 2019

Ben Roethlisberger Mason Rudolph
Andy Dalton
Baker Mayfield
Lamar Jackson
Andrew Luck Jacoby Brissett
Marcus Mariota(?)
Nick Foles Gardner Minshew
Deshaun Watson 
Tom Brady
Ryan Fitzpatrick Josh Rosen
Sam Darnold Trevor Siemian Luke Falk
Josh Allen
Joe Flacco
Derek Carr
Patrick Mahomes
Philip Rivers
Aaron Rodgers
Kirk Cousins
Mitchell Trubisky
Matthew Stafford
Drew Brees Teddy Bridgewater/Taysom Hill(?)
Cam Newton Kyle Allen
Matt Ryan
Jameis Winston
Carson Wentz
Dak Prescott
Eli Manning Daniel Jones
Case Keenum
Russell Wilson
Jared Goff
Kyler Murray
Jimmy Garoppolo

Survivor: GB
Locks: GB, DAL, NE, MIN, LAR
Underdogs: JAX, ATL, BAL, NYG, ARI, PIT

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

WEEK 2 RECAP 2019

The football gods giveth, and the football gods taketh away.

TB over CAR
Something is seriously wrong with Cam Newton. And I’m not talking about the glam babushka costumes he’s wearing for press conferences now, that shit is awesome. I spoke too soon saying he was back. Whether physically or mentally, he’s suffering. You hate to see it. And you should also hate to see the way the Panthers misused Christian McCaffrey in a Thursday Night home loss to an inferior division rival.

SEA over PIT
HALLELUJAH! My affection for the Seahawks doubled on Sunday as they have knocked Ben Roethlisberger out for the year!! It’s all coming together! Mason Rudolph will now be the Steelers’ starter and I can dance on Roethlisberger’s grave! Will he even come back to football? I really hope not. God this is great. And on top of that, the Seahawks receiving group, which looked like a weakness at the beginning of the year, seems to have at least a decent foundation in DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett.

GB over MIN
The Packers so far are a really good defense that keeps the opposing team smothered while the offense waits for its brief moment of genius. It sounds suspect but they are 2-0 after beating their top rivals for the division in back to back weeks.

SF over CIN
I should have gone with my damn gut and picked the Niners. This is what I get for not caring about games: I go with the chalk and get burned for it. But I still don’t care.

BUF over NYG
Ugh, why did I pick the Giants? The Bills are by far the best New York team right now. Hell, they ARE the only team that’s actually in New York. MetLife is their home stadium too now, they just mugged it off of the Jets and Giants. If Daniel Jones doesn’t start next week I don’t even know what to make of it. They need SOMETHING to take pressure off Saquon.

BAL over ARI
Good showing by Kyler Murray to hang in there, but the Ravens are unstoppable right now. I’ll take it seriously if they can keep it going next week against the Chiefs. For now they’re just beating up on the D2 of the NFL.

DET over LAC
The hits keep coming for the Chargers. Detroit was so so close to starting 2-0. I’m a big believer in Kerryon Johnson and Kenny Goladay.

IND over TEN
Whatever AFC South Nonsense happened on the field was overshadowed by the honest-to-god fire on the field before the game that was the result of a flamethrower that fell over. Honestly it’s a wonder it’s taken this long for that to happen, when you think about it. Very Titans-y results so far this season.

DAL over WSH
Who picked the 10-point spread for this game, again? Oh yeah, that would be me. Only like 4 more semi-competent losses to go before the Potatoes start Dwayne Haskins, right?

HOU over JAX
In what would somehow not be the only instance of this tactic this week, Doug Maronne opted to go for 2 after a last-minute TD that put his team down 1 before the PAT. Leonard Fournette got stuffed on the goalline. This is the kind of shit that wins or loses divisions down the road, so it’s gotta sting after the Jaguars kept the Texans (especially the ones on my fantasy team) in check all game. Then again the Texans kinda kept themselves in check. Am I really bad at fantasy football?

NE over MIA
My fantasy opponent had the Patriots defense so fuck you.

KC over OAK
Deceptively close for the first quarter, and then Mahomes threw 300 yards and 4 TDs in the 2nd quarter. So yeah, that’s how that’s going. I would actually like to thank the Chiefs for giving me a plausible way to keep the Patriots out of the top of my power rankings this week.

CHI over DEN
I was so prepared for the Broncos to lose, but I was not prepared for that. After 3.5 quarters of shitty football from both sides, the Broncos drive to the goalline down 7, get picked off, force a punt, drive back to the goalline, score a touchdown, line up for a game-winning 2-point conversion, get flagged for delay of game, send out Brandon McManus for the game-tying PAT, miss the kick, get a do-over thanks to an offsides flag, come back out for a 2-point try, make the 2-pointer with 36 seconds left, kick the ball to Chicago, get flagged for the most bullshit roughing the passer you will ever see, get the Bears to 4th and 15 with 20 yards to field goal range, give up a 25-yard pass as time expires, have the refs decide that there was 1 second on the clock when the player went down and that the Bears called an insta-timeout, and watch Eddie Pineiro kick a game-winning 53-yarder. The Broncos need to figure out how to move on from Isaac Yiadom and Garrett Boles, because they are losing football games just the two of them. Somehow a team that has Vic Fangio, Von Miller, and Bradley Chubb, has gone 8 quarters of football with 0 sacks.

LAR over NO
In a swift move by karma, Focus On The Family supporter Drew Brees is now also out of the lineup with a fuckedup hand. This happened pretty early in the Saints game and Teddy Bridgewater did not get the job done. That being said, the Saints should have had a halftime lead after Cam Jordan scoop-and-scored a clear Jared Goff fumble — except the refs blew the play dead and when the replay showed that they were completely wrong they couldn’t allow the return, just the recovery. Therefore the Saints got the ball but on their own 30, leading to a punt. The league has got to figure out how to stop certain teams from getting fucked over repeatedly, because they keep lending credence to conspiracy theories. Having that touchdown would have changed a lot of the tone and strategy of the game moving forward, so while the Saints lost by more than 7 it’s easy to think the egregious reffing mistake was at the core of it.

ATL over PHI
Not actually surprised by this outcome, especially not after the Eagles spent all night dying on the field like it was All Quiet On The Western Front or something. Julio Jones took a 4th and 3 screen 50 yards to the house, what was left of Nelson Agholor dropped a long pass that got lost in the lights, Zach Ertz was tackled 2 Planck lengths short on 4th down in the red zone, and that’s all she wrote. Two NFC contenders went in and two NFC contenders came out.

CLE over NYJ
“It’s so weird to hear the names of people on the Browns and have them be people I recognize. Like, that I recognize for being good. Usually if you told me a team had a mono problem I would just assume it was the Browns.”
– My partner Tasha

Record: 9-7 (19-12-1)
ATS: 8-7-1 +$19 (19-12-1 +$10)
Underdogs: 1-2 (2-3)
Locks: 3-0 (7-1-1)
Survivor: 2-0 BAL, NE
Don Shula Award: BAL, NE, BUF, KC, GB, DAL, SEA, LAR, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award: PIT, CLE, CIN, JAX, MIA, DEN, CAR, WSH, NYG
Title Belt: NE “defended” from MIA (3 week reign)