After a slew of upsets and an amazing 4-11 split for home teams this week, there are only 3 teams undefeated at the Don’t-Call-It-A-Quarter-Pole, and only 2 if you don’t count the Niners because they’re a week behind now. There are also 5 winless teams, all of them coached by new HCs. Just like in real life, it seems the hegemonic powers are as steady as ever, while the lower class are desperate just to keep surviving.
PHI over GB
Now that we kinda know what a catch is, let’s get really confused about what pass interference is.
CLE over BAL
It was a close thing until the third quarter when Mark Ingram (on my fantasy team) decided to fumble, and Nick Chubb (on my opponent’s fantasy team) went off for like 200 yards and 3 TDs. Baltimore’s defense is kind of a concern, isn’t it?
LAC over MIA
They really are gonna go 0-16. Wild.
KC over DET
Many, myself included, game Detroit a chance in this game, and were not disappointed. Were it not for a 100-yard fumble return, the Lions would have squeezed this one out. But when you give Patrick Mahomes a shot at a game winning drive chances are he’s gonna do it.
CAR over HOU
I was gonna draft Christian McCaffrey in fantasy. I was gonna fuckin do it. And then the draft just… Auction drafts are complicated and I’m bad at them. Anyway, Carolina is legit somehow, so enjoy that. Kyle Allen fumbled 3 times and the Panthers still won. Of course, they also intercepted DeAndre Hopkins in the red zone, so maybe Bill O’Brien deserves some of that credit.
NE over BUF
The Pats got up on the virtue of a blocked punt TD, and stayed up thanks to knocking Josh Allen out of the game in the 4th. Driving with a minute left and a 6 point deficit Matt Barkley got blasted and airballed an INT. I was actually impressed by every aspect of the Bills’ game except the quarterbacking and the lack of dildos thrown on the field, breaking a 4-year streak.
OAK over IND
Speaking of breaking streaks: The Raiders won in Indy! Injuries caught up to the Colts, with the likes of TY Hilton and Darius Leonard off the field. If you went back in time to when the Raiders signed Jon Gruden and told me that in 2019 Team Captain Vontaze Burfict would be suspended from the team for a year for headhunting, I would have been devastatingly unsurprised.
NYG over WSH
That’s gotta feel good for Giants fans. Some guy named [look up guy’s name] replaced Saquon’s production seamlessly, and Daniel Jones had the quintessential Pretty Good Rookie game. Who knew all it took to make this team look good was replacing everything about it?
TEN over ATL
The Titans do this like three times a year. They’ve already used two of them. Wanna bet they’ll use their last one on Denver?
TB over LAR
One of the larger upsets. Remember when I said the Buccs would either look amazing week 1 and then fall apart or look terrible week 1 and then pull it together? Yeah.
SEA over ARI
An easy one for Seattle, which is nice. The Cardinals should be concerned that they’re an easy win for a division opponent in Glendale.
JAX over DEN
I was prepared to lose, but not like this. Not while losing Bradley Chubb to an ACL for the year. Not going up 17-3 and looking like it would be at least 20-3 before Flacco throws one of the stupidest INTs so far and from that point on we give up 779 rushing yards to Leonard Fournette (on my opponent’s fantasy team) and miss 13 sack opportunities every play while the Jags get 95% time of possession. Not once again scoring the go-ahead TD in the last minute only to watch the refs revive the other team’s stalling FG drive with a bullshit RTP. It’s time to start looking to next season, earlier in the season than I’ve ever witnessed before.
CHI over MIN
What the fuck even is Kirk Cousins? The Vikings can’t get consistent QB play out of him, while the Bears lost Trubisky and put in Chase Daniel without missing a beat.
NO over DAL
The Cowboys played a real cupcake schedule in the first three weeks, but I fell for it anyway. The Saints defense looked amazing in this game. If the Saints cane avoid dropping more than a couple games before Drew Brees is back, it might end up being their saving grace, keeping him fresh for the postseason push.
PIT over CIN
Oh god, Cindy is so bad. They made James Conner (on my opponent’s fantasy team) look like Ladanian Tomlinson.
Underdogs: 1-0 (5-7)
Locks: 3-3 (15-4-1)
Survivor: 4-0 BAL, NE, GB, LAC
Don Shula Award Candidates: NE, KC, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Candidates: CIN, MIA, DEN, WSH
Title Belt: NE defended from BUF (5 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 