Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Locks: NONE
Underdogs: BAL, CLE, TB
Needles: GB/LAR

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Lol bye Steelers

Underdogs: 1-0 (32-35)
Locks: 2-0 (75-21)
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Brady became the oldest person to ever throw a touchdown in a playoff game, moved on to an opportunity to get revenge against the Saints, and saw social media lavish praise on his looks in comparison to George Blanda. Bill had to turn down the Presidential Medal of Freedom from his good friend the president, because said president is social anathema right now and it’s not a great look to get an award from someone facing impeachment, sedition, and fraud charges. Point Tom. (Bill: 5 Tom: 9)
Title Belt: SEA lost to LAR (1 week reign)
Needles: 1-2-0 (16-27-15) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]

• Bills over Colts
  It was a close one but honestly seems like Frank Reich just outsmarted himself with his analytical moves. The right team won but Indy certainly seemed to justify the NFL’s decision to throw a 2-seed-vs-7-seed match into Wild Card weekend.
  
• Rams over Seahawks
  Fuck. It’s almost inexplicable how the Seahawks managed to implode this season. It was quiet, almost dignified, but they went from a good offense with no defense, to a good defense with no offense, to being below-par at both when it mattered most. Need an o-line and some pass rushers and DBs. It’s impressive to prepare for both John Wolford and a hobbled Jared Goff and then not really be able to stop either. The Seahawks’ first home playoff loss in the Pete Carroll era.
  
• Buccaneers over Some Team
  Impressive effort from Tyler Heineken but I never thought they were gonna win it. Not an entirely consistent game from the Buccs but they didn’t need an impressive one.
  
• Ravens over Titans finally
  Inter-division rivalries are in many ways more fun than intra-division ones, and Ravens/Titans has become one of those sneaky-entertaining hatematches. The Ravens finally figured it out, coming back from a 10-point deficit for the first time since Lamar Jackson became the starter. While last season’s Baltimore squad was more impressive in the regular season, I have a lot more faith in this year’s iteration going forward.
  
• Saints over Bears
  Why the fuck doesn’t every game air on Nickelodeon? That shit was so lit I barely noticed the game was total crap. Mitch Trubisky still in time out.
  
• BROWNS OVER STEELERS!!!!!!
  HELL FRIGGIN YEAH!!!!!! Fuck you Ben! Go retire and die! Hahahahahahhaaaahahahahhahahaha!!!

Locks: TB, NO
Underdogs: CLE
Needles: TB/WFT, BAL/TEN, NO/CHI

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

The Ravens get over the Titans hump but not a rested 1-seed Chiefs team. The Browns fail to double down on their Steelers win. The Bills come in hot and take out the Steelers and Chiefs to get to the Super Bowl.
The Saints survive the Bears but pull their annual playoff collapse against Russell Wilson. Everyone picks the WFT to upset Brady and then Washington gets blown out. The Pack get revenge over Tampa and Seattle in frigid Green Bay and then rub it in Tampa’s face by winning the Super Bowl in Florida.

AWARDS:
MVP: Aaron Rodgers
OPOY: Derrick Henry
DPOY: TJ Watt
Coach of the Year: Kevin Stefanski
OROY: Justin Herbert
DROY: Chase Young
CPOY: Alex Smith

And now what you’ve all been waiting for: Potential Super Bowl LV Matchup Rankings!

As you can see, worst-case scenarios all involve rapist-vs-rapist matchups, and I would love to see the Bills or Browns in the Super Bowl. I have three horses in the NFC race so it would be Cursed if none of them make it.

And just like that it’s over for just over half the league. It’s a bit batty that the Bears and Washingtons get to keep playing and the Dolphins and Cardinals don’t, but that’s how it is. Not a lot of movement, which happens when my picks are 13-3. The Packers stay on top and the Jags cement the bottom spot until probably at least the draft. But more important than the power rankings are the Potential Super Bowl Matchup Rankings, coming soon!

Underdogs: 2-3 (31-35)
Locks: 4-0 (73-21)
Survivor: 14-3 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB, MIA, NO, MIN, TEN, PIT, BAL, SEA, CLE
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: It probably matters a lot to Bill that he swept the Jets even in his Worst Season and gave fans some hope for a brighter future. Of course it probably means more to almost everyone else that Tom Brady tore the Falcons apart to lock the top wild card spot, solidify his hold on the TD record, and hit 40 TDs on the season. Half-point Tom. (Bill: 5 Tom: 8)
Title Belt: SF lost to SEA (1 week reign)
Needles: 2-2-0 (15-25-15) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]

Avengers:
Saints, Chiefs, Packers, Steelers, Bills, Seahawks, Buccaneers, Colts, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Rams, Bears, Whatshingtons

Justice League:
Jets, Jaguars, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Broncos, Panthers, Falcons, Patriots, 49ers, Lions, Raiders, Eagles, Vikings, Dolphins, Cowboys, Cardinals, Giants

• Bills demolish Dolphins
  Told you Fitz getting COVID was a curse. The Bills are heading into the playoffs with a lot of momentum, while the Dolphins have to still feel unsure about Tua’s future while they hold the #3 overall pick in the draft. We’ve all spent so much time thinking about what a post-Patriots AFC East might look like, and I have to admire the verve with which the Bills have jumped on the opportunity.
  
• Pats over Adam Gase’s sacrificial lambs
  Bellichick gets the sweep over the Jets even when his team sucks. Cam Newton almost doubled his season passing TD total in this game. Adam Gase is finally officially out. Somehow it still feels, though, like these teams might duke it out for the bottom of the division again next year. I have more respect for John Elway’s struggle to make the Broncos competitive post-Manning now that I’ve seen what losing Brady did to the Pats. Bill could easily prove me wrong though by bouncing back with a real roster and perhaps a high-end rookie or free agent QB next year, and it’s gotta suck for the Jets to still be under New England’s thumb after the rest of the league has escaped.
  
• Ravens over Bengals
  The Ravens are probably a top-3 team in terms of momentum going into January. They rushed for over 400 yards in this game! That’s insane! But they draw Tennessee in the first round, which means a rematch of a rematch. Lots of fun drama for us, lots of stress for Baltimore. The Bengals are keeping their coach, which, sure, fine.
  
• Browns are in the playoffs holy shit
  It came down to the wire but the shorthanded Browns beat the Mason Rudolph Steelers to make the postseason for the first time since the second Grover Cleveland presidency. It’s poetic justice that they clinched vs the Steelers, and it’s impressive that they did so in a season where they lost OBJ and Nick Chubb for most of the season, arguably their 2 best offensive players, and where Myles Garrett, their for-sure best defensive guy, got COVID and is having the same post-illness symptoms I am: a difficulty breathing deeply and keeping your body fully oxygenated for athletic activities. It would be incredible for this to be a passing of the torch moment… But these teams meet again in a week for the Real Game, one where the Steelers will really be trying. Yikes.
  
• Vikes over Loins
  I’m pissed about this one because I picked the Lions, and everything about my prediction was right EXCEPT I didn’t account for the refs calling one of the most bullshit roughing the passer penalties, turning a turnover on downs around the 15 yard line into a Vikings TD. Fuck you, refs. Justin Jefferson is gonna lose ROTY to Justin Herbert and I think they should just share.
  
• Buccs over Falcons
  Hey guess what TOMMY STILL SUCKS YOU CAN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE
  
• Giants over Cowboys lol
  [Obligatory joke about Jason Garrett killing the Cowboys’ playoff hopes in week 17 even when he’s not on the team] The Giants ended the game by running the ball, fumbling with no contact, and recovering somehow by sitting on it, so that’s how things are going there.
  
• Packers over Somehow a Less Likely Playoff Team than the Washingtons
  Because nothing says “we are ready for the postseason” like putting up your best reasonably expectable performance and still losing by 19 points to your rivals.
  
• Chargers over Sfeihc
  I thought Chad Henne would beat the Chargers but he did not. It doesn’t matter at all, because Anthony Lynn was still fired, meaning there is an extremely talented coordinator/assistant coach out there, and one fewer non-white coaches in the NFL.
  
• Colts over Jags this time
  I haven’t seen a single thing with Jonathan Taylor Thomas in it, isn’t that weird?
  
• Saints over Panthers
  The Saints don’t really need “players” to win games.
  
• Titans over Texans
  My boy Henry did it!!! A 2,000 yard rushing season!!! And despite his 250 yards on the ground it took a 3-point doink at the buzzer for Tennessee to beat a 4-11 team but they DID do it and now they are AFC South champions for the first time since 2008.
  
• Ugh
  Look, I didn’t expect the Broncos to win, but giving up a lead like THAT and still covering the 2.5-point spread that I bet (imaginary money) against? That’s just… Not how I wanted to leave the season off. Maybe there’s some juice in this rivalry still, because I hated this. I know keeping everyone together to try and put together a season that’s not doomed from the start is the smart thing to do, but I fear it’s just delaying the inevitable and putting us squarely in the “Von Miller wasting his last several years on disorganized 10-loss teams” territory.
  
• Rams over Cardinals if you believe in that kind of thing
  When a game becomes John Wolford vs Chris Streveler, it’s time to pack it up and go home.
  
• Seahawks over 49ers
  The Seahawks phoned in 3 quarters and then lazily won the game again, which is exactly the mood you want to take into the playoffs.
  
• Whatthefucks over Trolls
  When I picked the Eagles to win, I did not account for the funniest, most Eagles-y outcome, which was them sitting Jalen Hurts to “get a look at” Nate Sudfeld for the second half. I could not be more pleased with this outcome: the Eagles found a way to, with plausible deniability, throw a game just to dick over the Giants. And the Giants are SO MAD ABOUT IT!! Hey New York, if you wanted to make the playoffs, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE WON MORE THAN 6 GAMES!! And the league has to eat this one too, which is comeuppance for their pathological addiction to putting the NFC East on national TV. You wanted a competitive game? MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED TO A DIFFERENT DIVISION!! And I don’t think Washington is particularly happy either, because now they have to go try to not get embarrassed by the Buccaneers while giving Alex Smith’s Amazing Collapsible Leg another spin on the world’s most haphazardly-kept turf. Look, my favourite team in the NFC East is and always has been Chaos, and as much as I wanted a 6-10 playoff team, this will do just fine too.

Survivor: LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB, MIA, NO, MIN, TEN, PIT, BAL, SEA, CLE
Locks: BAL, GB, IND, SEA
Underdogs: DET, NYG, KC, LAR, PHI
Needles: BAL/CIN, CLE/PIT, TB/ATL, TEN/HOU

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

Nobody moves a ton, except the Eagles who are somehow the first team eliminated from the worst division. Oh and hey the Jags are the Worst now.

Underdogs: 1-3 (29-32)
Locks: 5-2 (69-21)
Survivor: 13-3 LVR, TB, IND, DEN, DAL, NE, KC, PHI, HOU, GB, MIA, NO, MIN, TEN, PIT, BAL
Brady/Bellichick Breakup Scorekeeper: Tom played a whole game in one half and Bill got trounced on primetime to get swept by a division opponent for the first time since his first season in New England. I think I have to make this a point and a half for Tom. (Bill: 5 Tom: 7.5)
Title Belt: ARI lost to SF (1 week reign)
Needles: 1-1-1 (13-23-15) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]

Avengers:
Saints, Chiefs, Packers, Steelers, Bills, Seahawks, Buccaneers

Justice League:
Jets, Jaguars, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Broncos, Panthers, Falcons, Patriots, 49ers, Lions, Raiders, Eagles, Vikings

• Saints sort-of revenge over Vikings
  It doesn’t make up for two walk-off playoff upsets, but it’s sure cathartic to give Alvin Kamara 6 rush TDs in a win. Then again if some of those could have been Drew Brees passes he might have made up some ground on Brady.
  
• 49ers over Cardinals
  CJ Beathard is an improvement over Nick Mullens, at least for one week. Good for Shanahan.
  
• Fitzmagic LIVES!!! over the Fuckin Raiders
  If you haven’t seen Fitz throw an absolute DOT to the sideline down 2 points with less than 15 seconds left, while the Vegas defense is actively ripping his head off by his facemask, to get in position for the game-winning kick, go look it up, it’s beautiful.
  
• Da Bearss over T-Law’s Duvaaaaaals
  I heard the Red Zone guy say the words “Mike Glennon Revenge Game” so the concept of a Revenge Game is officially dead.
  
• Bengals over Texans
  Brandon Allen and Ryan Lindley have won back to back games for the Bengals, while Deshaun Watson has lost like a million straight.
  
• Jets over Browns
  Oh Cleveland, no, why. Oh, it’s because their WRs got Hinton’d (that’s what we’re calling it when an entire position group gets wiped out by a potential exposure to COVID).
  
• Steelers over Colts
  See, teams like the Steelers can turn on a dime, and after 4.5 games of sucking ass they just suddenly blow up. You hate to see it.
  
• Chiefs over Falcons
  Wide. Goddamn. Right. Fuck.
  
• Ravens over Giants
  If the Ravens could go on a postseason run that would be just fantastic.
  
• Panthers over WFT
  Dwayne Haskins is a goner. Can’t really blame Rivera, as much s I might want to. But now Washington probably will be leaning on Tyler Heininkeiiieknekeeinenke to win the division in primetime.
  
• Chargers over Broncos
  Uuuuuugh we suck.
  
• Seahawks over Rams
  Seattle with a defense and Jared Goff with no thumb is an easy one to figure out.
  
• Cowboys over Eagles
  I should have known the Eagles secondary would not be able to do anything against the Cowboys receivers.
  
• Packers over Titans
  I switched my pick as soon as I heard it was snowing in Green Bay. AJ Dillon pulled a Derrick Henry and I honestly do think the Packers will win the NFC and probably the Super Bowl? Fingers crossed.
  
• Bills over Patriots
  HHAAAAAAAH!