Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Locks: 5-0 (71-13)
Survivor: 14-3 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL, LAR, CLE, BUF, MIA, TEN, ARI, PHI, GB)
Underdogs: 1-1 (31-36)
Title Belt: CIN won from KC (1 week reign)
Needles: 2-1-1 (16-26-13) [Thread-cover-dog win]
Playoffs!?!?: GB, DAL, KC, LAR, TB, ARI, TEN, CIN, BUF, NE, PHI
Fallen Tributes: HOU, JAX, NYJ, DET, CHI, NYG, SEA, CAR, WSH, DEN, ATL, MIN, CLE, MIA
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden, Urban Myer

God, how long is this season gonna be????

• Buccaneers over Jets because some things never change
  Tom Brady may be in a different uniform now, but he is still perfectly capable of inexplicably playing like shit against the Jets for 59 minutes and then instantaneously ripping out their hearts. And speaking of things not changing, Antonio Brown did some stupid shit, and everyone is having the Wrong Takes on it. My take: if a player advocating for their own health on the sideline made them toxic to my team but that same player being a serial rapist didn’t, I would think I needed to change my entire team.
  
• Those wonderful sons of bitches the Bengals over those miserable sons of bitches the Chiefs
  What a beautiful game! I think going for it was the right decision, and I’m glad it worked out for Cincy, who now get the least probable division win of the season and the NFL Title Belt. I’ll remember this game next time I’m on a madden franchise and fear that it’s unrealistic for my rookie receiver to go off for almost 300 yards in a random game.
  
• Titans over Dolphins
  The Dolphins were obviously a long shot to pull off their unlikely playoff run, but the Titans slammed that door shut emphatically, and get a game against Houston for the #1 seed as a reward.
  
• Eagles knock out Washington
  Going into the year, the Eagles were a bottom-10 team on everyone’s rankings, including mine. Now they’re an exciting wild card team with one of the best rushing offenses in the league. It was a slow start today but it’s always fun to eliminate a division rival.
  
• Bills over Falcons
  An early safety made this interesting longer than it should have been but once Kyle Pitts went out with an injury, the Falcons folded. Biggest thing for the Bills was finding something of a ground game, which they will need to avoid a first-round exit in the postseason.
  
• Bears over Giants
  If you’re getting blown out by the fucking Bears why are you keeping your head coach??
  
• Patriots seemingly play football against air but it’s actually the Jaguars
  They scored 50 without blinking. Brutal.
  
• Raiders over Carson Wentz’s COVID-having ass
  Wentz played because it had been 5 days since his first positive test and his symptoms were decreasing. So the Raiders get to stay in the hunt but there’s a near 100% chance Wentz gave havlf of them COVID. Idiot. The CDC wants us all to die now.
  
• Rams over Ravens but like, barely
  Matt Stafford fucked around a lot for awhile but turned it on in time to eke out the win. The Ravens have been obliterated by fate this season, it’s just not their year.
  
• Niners over Texans after a brief scare
  Houston led 7-0 at the half and kept it 7-7 deep into the 3rd. Maybe it just took some time for Trey Lance to get his sea legs. I’m not gonna go back and look at the film for this but it sounds like he played okay. Now SF faces a win-and-in game against the Rams.
  
• Chargers eliminate Broncos
  I didn’t want to lose but I must admit I am glad we’ve been put out of our misery. I don’t understand how Pat Shurmur survived this season, but sticking with him dragged Vic Fangio down too. There is now no doubt he needs to be gone. So we’ll head into the offseason with empty slots at QB, HC, and owner. George Paton seems okay though. LA now faces an extra playoff game against Vegas.
  
• Seahawks go out with a bang over Lions
  Either Pete Carroll or Russell Wilson will be gone by 2022 kickoff. Laying 50 on the Lions is a hell of a way to say goodbye to their era in Seattle, but it would be nice if they had any semblance of an offense in any of the previous weeks.
  
• Saints apparently played Carolina and won
  Didn’t pay any attention whatsoever to this game. Couldn’t even tell you who played QB for NOLA. I just know now they need to beat Atlanta and have the Niners lose to the Rams to make the playoffs. I’d be lying if I said I think they deserve it.
  
• Cardinals over Cowboys lol
  Nice.
  
• Packers over whatever you would call the Vikings if they didn’t have a quarterback
  Mike Zimmer should in fact be applauded for not murdering Kirk Cousins.
  
• Bye, bitch.
  There’s still one game left for Ben Roethlisberger to be murdered on the field, but it won’t happen in front of a home crowd I guess. Maybe it would be better for it to happen in Baltimore, it would be more of a jubilant atmosphere.

Locks: 6-1 (66-13)
Survivor: 13-3 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL, LAR, CLE, BUF, MIA, TEN, ARI, PHI)
Underdogs: 3-1 (30-35)
Title Belt: KC defended from PIT (8 week reign)
Needles: 2-3-2 (14-25-12) [Thread-cover-dog win]
Playoffs!?!?: GB, DAL, KC, LAR, TB, ARI
Fallen Tributes: HOU, JAX, NYJ, DET, CHI, NYG, SEA, CAR
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden, Urban Meyer

We’re all just… Ready for this to be over, right?

• Titans over 49ers
  Mike Vrabel is a hell of a coach.
  
• Packers over Browns
  I honestly don’t want to go back to the Browns being a joke. That would be really fucking sad.
  
• Colts over Cardinals
  The Colts have an insane amount of momentum, except now Carson Wentz has COVID and they’ll probably have to start Max Ehrlinger.
  
• Bills over Patriots
  HELL YEAH go little rockstar
  
• Buccaneers over Panthers
  Eew
  
• Texans upset Chargers
  That’s so fucking Chargers
  
• Eagles over Giants
  If the Eagles make the playoffs I’m picking them for an upset in the first round.
  
• Jets over Jags
  Battle of #1 vs #2 picks, and it did not go to the former.
  
• Falcons over Lions
  Kyle Pitts that’s it that’s the tweet
  
• Rams over Vikings
  These teams have had some classics in the last few years but this was not one.
  
• Bengals overkill Ravens
  Joe Burrow!
  
• *Sigh* Bears over Seahawks
  It was snowing I thought that would be a good luck thing.
  
• Raiders all but eliminate Broncos
  The Broncos offense is like when a squid runs itself aground in Minecraft and then flops for a second before dying immediately.
  
• Chiefs over Steelers
  Terrible all around.
  
• Dallas pummels the ever-loving shit out of Washington
  Not often that a Cowboys blowout makes me happy, but this was hilarious.
  
• Dolphins over sham Saints
  Changed my pick when it became official that Ian Book would start. His name is Book. Like, for nerds.

Locks: 6-1 (60-12)
Survivor: 12-3 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL, LAR, CLE, BUF, MIA, TEN, ARI)
Underdogs: 1-3 (27-34)
Title Belt: KC defended from LAC (7 week reign)
Needles: 0-0-2 (12-22-10) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Playoffs!?!?: GB
Fallen Tributes: HOU, JAX, NYJ, DET, CHI
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden, Urban Meyer

Ding Dong the Wicked Witch of Duvaaaaaaaaal is dead.

• Chiefs sit back and let the Chargers Charger in OT
  It wasn’t pretty. But it was pretty funny.
  
• Colts out-Patriot the Patriots
  Carson Wentz had 5 completions. Jonathan Taylor should be MVP.
  
• Bills over kickerless Panthers
  I’m sure the kicker was the only reason they lost.
  
• Dolphins over Jets
  Classic backdoor cover by the Jets, but no upset, despite the Dolphins being Perna Cursed during their bye week.
  
• Lions!!!!!!!!!
  It’s art. It’s really just art.
  
• Cowboys over Giants for some reason
  Who watches these?
  
• Titans fall victim to the Perna Curse vs Steelers
  It’s undefeated against teams outside the AFC East.
  
• Texans over Bevell Bumps
  I would have taken the Jaguars if Urabn Meyer hadn’t been fired. I should have stuck with it because the Jags fucking suck.
  
• Bengals send Broncos’ season to the woodshed
  We had to win this game. Even after our QB was knocked the fuck out, we had a shot. And then Drew Lock pulled his usual bizarre turnover, the Bengals avoided fumbling away that fumble thanks to a technicality, and Pat Shurmur’s offense did what it does best: nothing. Good bye, 2021 playoffs.
  
• Niners over Falcons
  Yeah
  
• Packers over Analytics
  A lot happened in this game, including the Packers offense looking unstoppable, and the Packers defense looking completely uninterested in covering Mark Andrews or stopping Bret Hundley or whoever from scrambling, and the Ravens failing a 2-point conversion with the game on the line for the second time in three weeks. Not to be an analytics stan, but if you think it was the wrong choice because it didn’t work, you’re missing the point that overtime was even less likely to end in a win. That’s true whether you ask the numbers or your gut — unless your gut sucks.
  
• Tom Brady can’t do shit against Dennis Allen’s Saints!!!!
  Ha! Fucker can’t do shit! He sucks ass! I would probably have picked the Saints if Sean Payton didn’t get COVID, turns out it doesn’t really matter.
  
• Raiders squeeze one out against Nick Mullins’ Browns
  The 2021 season is finally starting to look like the 2020 season. In a bad way.
  
• Vikings and Bears put on a comedy of errors
  The Justin Field TD down 14 with 0:00 on the clock was not a victimless crime: I lost my fantasy matchup because of it, and now I have to play my father-in-law for last place in the league next week.
  
• Eagles over Washing machines
  Watching Die Hard right now. I probably never will again because it’s such a fucking boring useless movie.
  
• Rams knockout Seahawks
  I hear there were some referee shenanigans in this game but by Tuesday night I absolutely could not bring myself to actually follow a football game. Sorry.