NFL writing and predictions for people who hate the NFL
Author: Benjamin Netzorg
Benji Netzorg, AKA Dangersquirrel.
Writer, leftist, and general pain the ass, making content about movies and anarchism and whatnot in the Pacific Northwest.
He/him or they/them.
Green Bay Packers (7-1) Preseason prediction: 10-6 Q1 Prediction: 11-5 #4 Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #3 Midseason grade: A for Aaron Midseason MVP: A for Aaron
Detroit Lions (3-3-1) Preseason prediction: 6-10 Q1 Prediction: 8-7-1 Q2 Prediction: 8-7-1 Midseason grade: C, right down the middle, like their record. Midseason MVP: Matt Stafford
Kansas City Chiefs (5-3) Preseason prediction: 12-4 #3 Q1 Prediction: 12-4 #2 Q2 Prediction: 10-6 #4 Midseason grade: B+ on the road, B- at home. Midseason MVP: Mahomie
Oakland Raiders (3-4) Preseason prediction: 7-9 Q1 Prediction: 5-11 Q2 Prediction: 8-8 Midseason grade: C+ but it doesn’t really show in the standings. Midseason MVP: Derek Carr and Josh Jacobs.
Denver Broncos (2-6) Preseason prediction: 8-8 Q1 Prediction: 4-12 Q2 Prediction: 5-11 Midseason grade: F but just a few plays and bad calls from being a B. Midseason MVP: Maybe Cortland Sutton?
Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) Preseason prediction: 10-6 Q1 Prediction: 8-8 Q2 Prediction: 4-12 Midseason grade: D+ Midseason MVP: Austin Ekeler
New England Patriots (8-0) Preseason prediction: 12-4 #1 Q1 Prediction: 14-2 #1 Q2 Prediction: 14-2 #1 Midseason grade: An A but then it turns out they were taking tests a grade behind their level. Midseason MVP: The Patriots don’t have MVPs.
Buffalo Bills (5-2) Preseason prediction: 7-9 Q1 Prediction: 10-6 #5 Q2 Prediction: 11-5 #5 Midseason grade: B, but it’s the Bills so it feels like an A. Midseason MVP: I don’t watch enough Bills games to know.
New York Jets (1-6) Preseason prediction: 9-7 Q1 Prediction: 6-10 Q2 Prediction: 5-11 Midseason grade: F, or maybe a D for Darnold. Midseason MVP: Leveon Bell
Miami Dolphins (0-7) Preseason prediction: 3-13 Q1 Prediction: 0-16 Q2 Prediction: 1-15 Midseason grade: F, which is what they were going for. Midseason MVP: The sacrificial Rosen
Indianapolis Colts (5-2) Preseason prediction: 5-11 Q1 Prediction: 8-8 Q2 Prediction: 13-3 #2 Midseason grade: Considering how easy it would be to excuse the Colts having a bad season under the circumstances, their pretty good one gets a B+ Midseason MVP: Jacoby Brissett
Houston Texans (5-3) Preseason prediction: 6-10 Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #4 Q2 Prediction: 9-7 #6 Midseason grade: The Texans went all in on the season so it feels like they should be judged harshly. Even so, B- Midseason MVP: Deshaun Watson
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4) Preseason prediction: 7-9 #4 Q1 Prediction: 9-7 #6 Q2 Prediction: 8-8 Midseason grade: Losing your starting QB and still being .500 halfway through the year is worth a solid C Midseason MVP: Gardner Minshew (gesundheit)
Tennessee Titans (4-4) Preseason prediction: 6-10 Q1 Prediction: 5-11 Q2 Prediction: 6-10 Midseason grade: I believe very little in the Titans and their ugly games have been really, really ugly. I also resent them enough for benching Mariota to give them a D+ Midseason MVP: Derrick Henry
No real big movers after a very predictable week. The Chiefs do bump up 5 spots because they looked better than I expected with Matt Moore and they might have Patrick Mahomes back sooner than I expected. I would like to take this time to point out that the Broncos are actually 5-3 and the Patriots are actually 1-0.
Bless the Nationals crowd. In a world where the Broncos are bad and the Patriots are undefeated and I spent Monday morning in the emergency room, we really need the simple things in life, like videos of the fascist orange goo monster in chief getting booed to his face by an entire stadium.
Vikings over Not The Nationals Adrian Peterson got cheers from the Vikings crowd, who should be lauded for excusing his leaving the team but criticized for excusing his child abuse and homophobia.
Colts over Broncos Oh, the Broncos had a 1-point lead and then got flagged for an iffy penalty to set the opposing team up for the game-winning field goal? I’m shooketh. Joe Flacco thinks the play calling needs to be more aggressive, which is indicative of the fact that he just straight-up doesn’t see the open routes down the field. He complains and then gets sent to the bench with a neck injury. [Godfather theme plays]. Now we get to watch something called [checks notes] Brandon Allen play QB, because Drew Lock is still suffering from an injured [checks notes] nothing. The Broncos are supposed to be 5-3. This is bullshit. Two steps forward three steps back.
Saints over Cardinals Well I guess Drew Brees did know when to come back after all. Excitingly, it would appear that the return of Breesus also means the return of using Taysom Hill as a Bamboozler.
Seahawks over Falcons The Seahawks didn’t even bother playing the second half, and Matt Schaub of all people ended up with close to 500 passing yards. But he also threw the requisite interceptions, and lost the game at home by 7 points.
Rams over Bengals Andy Dalton becomes the first QB to have both an 8-0 start and an 0-8 start in his career, which is indicative of his status as exactly as good as the rest of his roster and no better or worse. He’s now benched. The end of an era. Not a particularly prestigious one though.
Titans over Buccaneers If the refs don’t blow dead a Buccaneers fumble return, I would have picked this one right. I really don’t buy that Tannehill is better than Mariota, just that the Titans have gotten lucky breaks and a soft schedule since they switched. Jameis Winston is a dead man walking.
Chargers over Bears The Bears are haunted by kicking after an offseason of focusing too much on it. Not a good look. Both of these coaching staffs are under fire, which Ken Wisenhunt fired and Matt Nagy getting defensive about weird play calling and clock management.
Eagles over Bills I feel stupid for picking the Bills before checking the injury report, especially when the Eagles’ weakest spot is the defensive secondary, something the Bills are not built to take advantage of. If this is the kind of performance the Eagles will have more consistently they might yet be a playoff team.
Lions over Giants Not the prettiest win, with defense in short order for both teams, but the Lions can smile about having turned effort into an actual win.
Jaguars over Jets It’s pretty brutal to dress Jaxson DeVille as a ghost and play a Sam Darnold blooper reel under the Ghostbusters theme. I’m here for it.
49ers over Panthers I fucking told you.
Patriots over Browns Most teams have one offense: their offense. The Patriots have three. In ascending order of effectiveness, they are: the Patriots offense, the Patriots defense, and the NFL schedule.
Texans over Raiders My thinking was in the right place, but I didn’t account for Deshaun Watson being flung in a circle and blinded by a defender’s cleat and then rolling out and throwing a TD while being brought to the ground.
Packers over Chiefs Amazing game. Andy Reid made things easier for Matt Moore and Aaron Rodgers did amazing things like we like to see. Matt LaFleur got creative with the running backs in the passing game and it was beautiful.
Steelers over Dolphins The Dolphins led 14-0 at one point, and 14-3 shortly before halftime. Then they remembered that they don’t want that and got outscored 24-0 from that point on.
Underdogs: 0-1 (12-17) Locks: 8-0 (31-8-1) Survivor: 6-2 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR Don Shula Award Candidates: NE, SF Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Candidates: CIN, MIA Title Belt: NE defended from CLE (9 week reign)
I’ve heard multiple people suggest this week that the Broncos should try and acquire Teddy Bridgewater. I honestly don’t know how I would feel about that, and I think Teddy is likely to stay in New Orleans where he’s got a Hall of Fame coach making him look probably a little better than he is on his own, but mostly I just don’t think it’ll happen, because Elway has proven that he has a Type when it comes to quarterbacks. Here’s a list of traits Teddy Bridgewater has that fit Elway’s Type: – Immobile
And here’s a list of other things he is not that he would have to be to catch John Elway’s fancy: – Tall AF – Inaccurate – Unable to handle pressure in the pocket – White – Bad – Expensive
Survivor: LAR Locks: MIN, NO, SEA, LAR, DET, NE, GB, PIT Underdogs: OAK
The Ravens and Colts hop into the top 10 and the Chiefs take a hit with Matt Moore set to start a couple games. Not sure how the Raiders managed to move up but I couldn’t fix it so there they are.
Sometimes (always) in the NFL (and life in general) you have to look past the prevailing narratives (propaganda) about a newsworthy topic, and reassess the situation for yourself through the framework of your own ethical alignment (caring about people more than money), because god knows most of the media (especially in sports) is not going to do that for you, especially when so much of sports news comes directly from the horse’s (billionaire owner/GM [Actual Horse John Elway]) mouth.
Let’s talk about trade deadline moves. They are WAY more of a thing in other sports, but they’re becoming more prevalent in the NFL. This week we’re talking about two particular moves that represent the main focus of the trade deadline: Emmanuel Sanders to the 49ers and Mohammed Sanu to the Patriots. In both instances, a player nearing the end of their ability to contribute and also nearing the end of their contract was given to a team that needs that talent in the near-term in exchange for draft capital that will, in theory, give the trading team more ability to build long-term talent.
From a competition perspective, I don’t like it. I get the delayed gratification aspect and how it works logically, but there’s something about a solid indicator that this year’s games are just for show that makes me very uncomfortable. Like, obviously not every team can be competitive each year, and for a handful of them it is clear by week 8 that they are not going anywhere, but the NFL is so steeped in hyper masculinity that admitting defeat on a season and still asking fans — and more importantly players — to stay engaged is cognitively dissonant. Elway can send a man who tangibly contributed to a super bowl win to a different city and on the same day the Broncos media apparatus will publish a listicle of 19 reasons we can still beat the Colts and 13 ways we can still make the playoffs. Fans don’t get a refund, monetarily or emotionally, when GMs have to make a move that compromises the immediate success of the team.
And then there’s the labor aspect. I don’t think Sanders or Sanu are complaining about leaving dysfunctional losing teams to play for undefeated contenders, but that’s not always how it plays out. The trade deadline is rife with opportunity for the NFL’s problem of objectifying players by using them as salary cap pawns. It’s just another reminder that the players are still very much subject to the whims of the owners, and it’s an ugly dynamic. I’m certainly not saying no player should ever be traded, but the amount of say that they don’t necessarily have is pretty upsetting. That’s why as much as I detest Antonio Brown, I’m glad for what he and Leveon Bell did to the Steelers.
It’s probably not healthy to deny institutionally that a season is functionally over, and I can’t say that I blame teams for looking for ways to set themselves up for success, but I’ve not often seen this happen on my team, and I gotta tell you, I would rather keep players that I like and that contribute on the team than strip it to bare bones in exchange for 19 more draft picks for Elway to fuck up and never get fired for because he’s the God of Colorado and he doesn’t have a boss. I’m fine with Sanders leaving and I would be happy to get rid of Derek Wolf but if we sent off Chris Harris or god forbid Von Miller, I would be legitimately angry. There’s a tendency in the NFL to criticize fair-weather fans, but I think there’s a difference between that and finding that when owners treat players as disposable, liquidatable assets rather than people, it’s harder to feel attached to the team. Oh god, this is what fans of generationally bad teams feel like all the time, isn’t it?
Chiefs over Broncos Losing to the Chiefs was kind of expected (even though I picked the Broncos). But I you told me that the Broncos would have the ball down by 7 in the second quarter with Patrick Mahomes out for the game, and that they would be outscored from that point 17-0, that would be distressing. It’s time for Drew Lock as soon as he’s healthy enough, and I hope Vic Fangio knows it. And I’m glad he said he understands the booing, because as much as I hate seeing my team booed at home, at this point nobody but Von Miller and Chris Harris and probably Justin Simmons have earned the unquestioning respect of fans.
Packers over Raiders Such a fun game! I feel like my prediction was still a good one, because the Raiders were gonna be up 17-14 going into halftime if Derek Carr doesn’t do the fumble-touchback reaching for the goalline for the second time in his career. Next time he saw the ball the Raiders were down by 18 points halfway through the 3rd. Aaron Rodgers officially enters the MVP race.
49ers over Potatoes I love me a good Mud Game, but the conditions at the stadium in Washington have taken players out before and that is just gross. So was Jimmy Garoppolo, but it didn’t matter because there was never any chance that the Potatoes were gonna score.
Cardinals over Giants I don’t really have much to say except “I told you so.”
Bills over Dolphins This is what Josh Allen does: just enough to usually overcome his own mistakes. And this is what Ryan Fitzpatrick does: Just enough to make you feel like the Dolphins are trying.
Jaguars over Bengals The Jags have played slightly better than their record, so I guess good for them for actually getting a win? But the Bengals barely count. Has there ever been more of a lame duck QB than Andy Dalton?
Rams over Falcons Usually I don’t give style points but the Rams seemed to exorcise some demons this week. They need Todd Gurley to be the guy he was in Atlanta for the rest of the season. Meanwhile Matt Ryan was seen in a walking boot after the game, so if it’s Matt Schaub time we can pen in the Falcons for some losses they were already pencilled into.
Colts over Texans Damn me for underestimating the Colts defense again, and damn Will Fuller for getting injured and tanking my fantasy season.
Vikings over Lions Poor Lions. Not sure what more they could have been expected to do over this first half of the season. They are by far the best team that is already functionally eliminated. Poor, poor Lions… Except Matt Patricia, I will gladly pee on that man’s grave.
Titans over Chargers No. Nope. I refuse to analyze this. Go watch the “highlights.”
Ravens over Seahawks Deadlocked late into the 3rd quarter after Marcus Peters pick-6’d Russell Wilson’s first INT of the year, becoming the first player on record to have an INT for two different teams in back to back weeks. Then Lamar Jackson said yes when Harbaugh asked if he wanted to go for a 4th down, Jackson ran in 8 yards into he end zone and the rest is history. Not that worried for the Seahawks, more impressed by the Ravens. Now do it again against Bill Belichick.
Saints over Bears The Saints broke the Bears. Even with an early kickoff return TD and the season’s first two onside kick recoveries, Chicago couldn’t pretend to hang in a game where they were favored and playing a backup QB.
Cowboys over Eagles Can we just stop having this division, please?
Patriots over Jets Stop making a big deal of the “seeing ghosts” thing. Every QB feels that way sometimes (Brady at Mile High) this just was when it was caught on tape being said by a young guy during a shutout loss.
Underdogs: 2-4 (12-16) Locks: 3-1 (23-8-1) Survivor: 5-2 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, Don Shula Award Candidates: NE, SF Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Candidates: CIN, MIA Title Belt: NE defended from NYJ (8 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 