Bless the Nationals crowd. In a world where the Broncos are bad and the Patriots are undefeated and I spent Monday morning in the emergency room, we really need the simple things in life, like videos of the fascist orange goo monster in chief getting booed to his face by an entire stadium.
Vikings over Not The Nationals
Adrian Peterson got cheers from the Vikings crowd, who should be lauded for excusing his leaving the team but criticized for excusing his child abuse and homophobia.
Colts over Broncos
Oh, the Broncos had a 1-point lead and then got flagged for an iffy penalty to set the opposing team up for the game-winning field goal? I’m shooketh. Joe Flacco thinks the play calling needs to be more aggressive, which is indicative of the fact that he just straight-up doesn’t see the open routes down the field. He complains and then gets sent to the bench with a neck injury. [Godfather theme plays]. Now we get to watch something called [checks notes] Brandon Allen play QB, because Drew Lock is still suffering from an injured [checks notes] nothing. The Broncos are supposed to be 5-3. This is bullshit. Two steps forward three steps back.
Saints over Cardinals
Well I guess Drew Brees did know when to come back after all. Excitingly, it would appear that the return of Breesus also means the return of using Taysom Hill as a Bamboozler.
Seahawks over Falcons
The Seahawks didn’t even bother playing the second half, and Matt Schaub of all people ended up with close to 500 passing yards. But he also threw the requisite interceptions, and lost the game at home by 7 points.
Rams over Bengals
Andy Dalton becomes the first QB to have both an 8-0 start and an 0-8 start in his career, which is indicative of his status as exactly as good as the rest of his roster and no better or worse. He’s now benched. The end of an era. Not a particularly prestigious one though.
Titans over Buccaneers
If the refs don’t blow dead a Buccaneers fumble return, I would have picked this one right. I really don’t buy that Tannehill is better than Mariota, just that the Titans have gotten lucky breaks and a soft schedule since they switched. Jameis Winston is a dead man walking.
Chargers over Bears
The Bears are haunted by kicking after an offseason of focusing too much on it. Not a good look. Both of these coaching staffs are under fire, which Ken Wisenhunt fired and Matt Nagy getting defensive about weird play calling and clock management.
Eagles over Bills
I feel stupid for picking the Bills before checking the injury report, especially when the Eagles’ weakest spot is the defensive secondary, something the Bills are not built to take advantage of. If this is the kind of performance the Eagles will have more consistently they might yet be a playoff team.
Lions over Giants
Not the prettiest win, with defense in short order for both teams, but the Lions can smile about having turned effort into an actual win.
Jaguars over Jets
It’s pretty brutal to dress Jaxson DeVille as a ghost and play a Sam Darnold blooper reel under the Ghostbusters theme. I’m here for it.
49ers over Panthers
I fucking told you.
Patriots over Browns
Most teams have one offense: their offense. The Patriots have three. In ascending order of effectiveness, they are: the Patriots offense, the Patriots defense, and the NFL schedule.
Texans over Raiders
My thinking was in the right place, but I didn’t account for Deshaun Watson being flung in a circle and blinded by a defender’s cleat and then rolling out and throwing a TD while being brought to the ground.
Packers over Chiefs
Amazing game. Andy Reid made things easier for Matt Moore and Aaron Rodgers did amazing things like we like to see. Matt LaFleur got creative with the running backs in the passing game and it was beautiful.
Steelers over Dolphins
The Dolphins led 14-0 at one point, and 14-3 shortly before halftime. Then they remembered that they don’t want that and got outscored 24-0 from that point on.
Underdogs: 0-1 (12-17)
Locks: 8-0 (31-8-1)
Survivor: 6-2 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR
Don Shula Award Candidates: NE, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award Candidates: CIN, MIA
Title Belt: NE defended from CLE (9 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 