There’s this thing I call a Sweep Week: it’s a week where the Patriots lose, and all of my teams (Broncos, Seahawks, Saints, Packers) and my fantasy team all win. Here’s a brief history of those weeks since I started noticing them:
Week 13 2014
On Thanksgiving night, the Seahawks go into Candlestick park and hold Colin Kaepernick to 0TD 2INT in an intense rivalry game. Sunday morning Drew Brees throws 5 TDs in Pittsburgh and the Saints hold onto a narrow lead late, and Aaron Rodgers outduels Tom Brady because he is better than Brady always and forever. That night, the Broncos continued an impressive string of dominance against the Chiefs in a 29-16 victory. I rode Andrew Luck and Lesean McCoy to a 7th fantasy win that clinched a playoff spot in my first season in the auction league. Full sweep.
Week 4 2017
On Thursday night, the Packers tie their all-time record against Mike Glennon’s Bears. Sunday starts with the Saints blanking Miami in Florida in a game that will produce the infamous Jay Cutler Not Trying At All play. I watch the play by play on the Bleacher Report app from the Seattle Convention Center as Graham Gano kicks a buzzer-beater to off the Patriots in Massachusetts. The Trevor Siemian Broncos give me a heart attack intercepting Derek Carr in the red zone to preserve a 6 point win. On the drive home from Seattle I listen to the Seahawks blowing out the Colts. The combination of Matt Stafford, Zach Ertz, and Keenan Allen delivers me a victory to go 2-2 before I drop the next 4. Full Sweep.
Week 13 2019
The Saints get revenge on Thanksgiving by eliminating the Falcons and clinching the division. On Sunday the Packers blow out the Giants in the snow and Drew Lock’s first start ends in a game-winning field goal at Mile high. That night the Pats get shredded by Deshaun Watson. On Monday Night the Seahawks put away their wild card competition in the Vikings. My 239 points lead my fantasy league as I ride surprising performances from a few Dolphins to a 6-7 record. Full sweep.
Happy birthday(ish) to me.
RIP:
Bengals, Lions, Falcons, Giants, Cardinals, Dolphins
CLINCHED:
Saints
Bears over Lions
It looked early on like the Lions were going to Blough Chicago out of the water, but then Mitch Trubisky had one of his best games of the year, which is to say he was a little subpar. The Bears stave off total defeat for another week, and the Lions are eliminated, tying them with the Raiders and Browns for most times eliminated before the end of week 13 since the NFL came into its current alignment in 2002.
Bills over Cowboys
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Saints over Falcons
The Saints just are what they are now: More limited than one would hope, but hard to doubt their ability to leverage their several god-tier advantages into wins consistently.
Packers over Giants
The Giants toyed around with keeping the game close before catching up to themselves in the second half. The Packers looked far more comfortable playing in the snow than Daniel Jones did, for some reason. Glad the Packers got another easy opponent so I could pretend they’re contenders again.
Ravens over 49ers
Early in this game it looked like it would be a shootout, but then the defenses figured it out and held serve until Justin Tucker nailed the game winner. Seeing these two juggernauts come to an impasse was fascinating, and I am so glad it lived up to its billing, and that I was somehow right that Baltimore would win but San Francisco would beat the spread.
Steelers over Browns
Now that it’s happened it seems obvious to me that the Browns get too caught up in rivalry and the Steelers essentially knock them out of the playoff race. The Steelers step up to the moment, the Browns stub their toes on empty air.
Buccaneers over MINSHEWWWWWWWW!
Jameis Winston predictably had a good game (still had his 101st turnover) but was overshadowed by Big Paycheck Nick getting benched for Big Mustache Gardner. The hero we need right now. He still lost the game big time.
Dolphins over Eagles
Good god, the Eagles are really fighting hard with the Cowboys over who can cough this division up to Washington, huh?
Bengals finally beat a team!
Jesus fuck I was so confident that the Jets would blow out the Bengals. And the Dalton did okay and Darnold did NOT and here we are, no 0-16 for Coach Taylor.
Washington somehow over Panthers
The Panthers sprung out to a 14-0 lead and then just dove off a cliff. How does Washington, a team that barely even exists, suddenly have back to back wins??
Titans over Colts
These teams seemed very close in skill and yet it’s a surprise that the titans won the game because they had won only 1 of their previous 15 matchups. The Colts were lined up late for a go-ahead field goal, and then the Elephant in the Room that is Adam Vinnaiattierri’s [sp] rapidly evaporating ability to kick a ball reared its ugly head. His attempt was blocked (second of the day) recovered by the Titans (their first of 3 fourth quarter turnovers forced) and returned for a touchdown (again 1/3 for the 4th quarter.) That’s one way to win a game.
Rams over Cardinals
Sometimes in sports predictions you’re just really, really, really wrong and there’s nothing to hide behind. The Cardinals were completely dominated on both sides of the ball, and this was just Sean McVay letting loose and having fun at Kliff Kingsbury and Kyler’s expense.
Broncos catch a break for the first time since Super Bowl 50
If the Broncos could compress all their first halves into half their games and all their second halves into the other half they would finish 8-8. The Broncos in quarters 1 and 2 could beat the Patriots, and the Broncos in quarters 3 and 4 would certainly be blown out by Ohio State. It is maddening. But Drew Lock has upside, so there’s that to look forward to seeing squandered and ruined over the next two years.
Chiefs over Raiders
The Raiders don’t score anymore so it’s kinda hard to win games like that. I. would know, I’m a Broncos fan.
Texans DEFEAT THE EVIL SCOURGE
It never gets old seeing the Patriots lose, but every time it happens there is that part of my brain that can’t help but wonder how they’ll punish later us for enjoying their pain now.
Seahawks over Vikings
I got too cute predicting that Russell Wilson would lose a Monday Night game and Kirk Cousins would win one. Lesson learned. (You know now that I’ve learned it Russ will suddenly stop being clutch and Cousins will go on a primetime winning streak.)
Underdogs: 2-2 (19-28)
Locks: 4-4 (49-20-1)
Survivor: 9-4 BAL, NE, GB, LAC, KC, CAR, SEA, LAR, DAL, NO, OAK, CLE, NYJ
Matt Millen/Sashi Brown Award Winner: CIN (1-11)
Title Belt: BAL defended from SF (5 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 