(Benjamin Franklin voice): “In week one there are only two things that can be said to be certain; an unexpected tie, and the Broncos shitting the bed when I am emotionally vulnerable.”
GB over CHI
Many people hated this game, I loved it. At least one football game every week should have a combined score under 15. I know of some smart people who think Mitchell Trubisky has a lot going for him but I definitely saw Bortles 2.0 out there.
BUF over NYJ
Why did I ever put my faith in the Jets? And by faith I mean fake money. The moment CJ Mosley left the field Josh Allen turned into Steve Young. I was right about Leveon Bell though, dude was all over the field!
KC over JAX
HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god the Jags lost Nick Foles! He broke his damn clavicle! Oh the poor dude. He is just not meant to be a full-season starter! This bodes very well for my sub-.500 prediction for Jacksonville. Let the Gardner Minshew era begin! Meanwhile, Tyreek Hill was hospitalized and I hope he dies there. Mahomes spent the second half just toying with this defense anyway. Sammy Watkins fantasy owners have earned the right to some smugness.
MIN over ATL
Oh… Yikes… The Falcons started with a blocked punt and just never got past that emotionally. Devonta Freeman only scored me 3 fantasy points and Dalvin Cook kicked Atlanta’s ass on his own. This is How Mike Zimmer wants to play football, so if it’s how things are gonna be the NFC North is gonna get interesting.
LAR over CAR
I wasn’t wrong to think the Panthers should win this game but I was wrong to be so certain they would. Both Cam and Todd Gurley looked mostly like their old selves, though Cam had no designed runs and Gurley spent a couple series on the stationary bike. Christian McCaffrey is looking like a beast, and would have carried the Panthers to victory without some stupid turnovers. Feeling positively about both these teams.
BAL over MIA
Lamar Jackson was 35/35 for 750 yards and 9 TDs by halftime. Hollywood Brown is the best WR named Brown in the NFL. I almost started Will Fuller in my flex instead of Mark Ingram this week. RGIII threw a touchdown. Josh Rosen threw and interception. Most of the Dolphins roster is trying to figure out a way off this sinking ship, all while the front office keeps drilling holes in the hull.
PHI over WSH
I wasn’t scared when the Eagles were down 17-0. Desean Jackson’s return to Philly couldn’t have gone any better, and after a quarter or so of looking rusty Carson Wentz was back to top form. Philly lost Malik Jackson and Washington lost Darius Guice, so I guess we have to put up with Adrian Peterson being suited up next week.
TEN over CLE
I was very prepared for this outcome. After an offseason of being counted out the Titans come out firing? Seen it before. After an offseason of hype the Browns look like crap in their debut? Seen that before too. Not gonna overreact to week 1 but the Cleveland pass blocking was a huge issue.
SEA over CIN
I predicted this would be a surprisingly close game and boy was I ever right. Andy Dalton and the Bengals run defense both looked their best since 2015. Eventually thought Russell Wilson did Russell Wilson things. I was encouraged by what I saw from the Tyler Lockett/DK Metcalf combo. And hey, a win is a win.
LAC over IND
Our first overtime of the year! Promising stuff from Jake Brisket but Adam Vinatieri cost his team this game, which is not something you can often say. The Chargers o-line was concerning, but their running backs made Melvin Gordon’s case a whole lot thinner. And again, a win is a win for the Chargers.
SF over TB
I got this one way wrong. I thought either this Bruce/Jameis thing will start out good and then suck or it’ll start slow and be low-key good by midseason, and I banked on the former, but maybe it just will suck? There was a lot of talk in the offseason about how just about every team has a QB that you can talk yourself into bringing them to the playoffs, but once the season starts things change fast. After 3 INTs, two of them returned for scores, Winston might have the hottest seat of any starter in the NFL. And you know what? Good. Fuck that guy. He’s assaulted one too many uber drivers to garner my sympathy.
DAL over NYG
How about that Kellen Moore offense, eh? On a night where Pat Shurmur completely neglected his greatest weapon on offense (Saquon Barkley) the Cowboys seemed to utilize their entire roster. Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, Michael Gallup, and Jason Witten all played a part in an unstoppable passing attack that probably added millions of dollars to Dak’s eventual contract. The Giants were what I thought they were but I have to admit I was impressed by Dallas. Please don’t let it happen again.
DET/ARI TIE!!!!!!!!!
OH SHIT YEAH, A TIE! Okay so the Lions spent 3 quarters making the Cards look like a college team and making TJ Hockenson look like Shannon Sharpe, and then suddenly Kyler Murray turns into Russell Fucking Wilson and we have a goddamn game! I love the shortened overtime so much, because it combines two of my favourite things: player safety, and ties. Saw things to be optimistic about from both teams, and who the fuck knows how this result will impact standings when all is said and done? And if I may address coaches Kliff and PATRICIA!! directly: You are now in a position that few coaches have ever found themselves in, in that you are 1/16 of the way to a perfect 0-0-16 season. That’s .500 and possibly even a wild card spot! For the good of all of us, please just always tie. Sincerely, me.
NE over PIT
If any team would conspire with a player on the trading block to have them traded to a different team only to force their way off of that team to sign in New England as a free agent for the cost of 0 draft picks and peanuts on the dollar to what his former teams paid him, what team do you think that would be? If you answered “a team that already has Josh Gordon and Phillip Dorsett looking 7 times better than they did with the teams that drafted them” then you are correct. The Pats have spent the last week wiping their asses with the Steelers, and I have sympathy for select members of that team (Mike Tomlin, JuJu, James Conner, some other players not named not Roethlisberger.)
NO over HOU
Okay but can we talk about how I needed another Deshaun Watson TD to win my fantasy matchup but I also wanted the Saints to win and there was like a 3% chance of that happening BUT IT DID!?!? And way to go Refs jobbing the Saints AGAIN, AT HOME, IN PRIMETIME. They forked up the end of the half and probably cost NOLA 3 points so if we had lost you know there would be hell to pay.
OAK over DEN
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is the Bad Place. On the same night, the league’s longest week 1 losing streak and its longest week 1 winning streak were broken. Thank god we don’t have to play on that baseball infield ever again.
Record: 10-5-1 (10-5-1)
ATS: 11-5 -$9 (11-5 -$9)
Underdogs: 1-1
Locks: 4-1-1
Survivor: 1-0 BAL
Don Shula Award: BAL, TEN, NE, BUF, KC, LAC, OAK, GB, MIN, NO, PHI, DAL, SEA, LAR, SF
Matt Millen Sashi Brown Award: PIT, CLE, CIN, IND, HOU, JAX, MIA, NYJ, DEN, CHI, ATL, TB, CAR, WSH, NYG
Title Belt: NE defended from PIT (2 week reign)
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 