Locks: 3-0
Survivor: 1-0 (SF)
Underdogs: 4-3
Title Belt: TB defended from DAL (3 week reign)
Needles: 2-1-0 [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Well, week 1 picks were pretty rough. I am $71 in the red on my (imaginary) ATS gambling exercise, meaning I will only have $29 to bet next week. I went .500 straight-up, though I will point out that I was 4-3 picking underdogs which means Vegas was only 7-9 this week. Anyway, I feel like I should have some kind of poignant feelings about football being back, but I don’t. It used to make me so happy, but right now it just feels like another thing going on even though it seems absurd for anyone to be doing anything but fighting COVID, climate change, and fascism/neocolonialism. But if football helped you recharge your revolutionary batteries at all, good for you. I hope it did for me. Still not sure.
- Tampa squeaks one out over Dallas
I think I’m among those who underestimated the return of Dak Prescott. He made this game actually pretty interesting, as the Bucs outplayed the Boys but still found themselves needing a field goal to win with like a minute left. But of course, the world bends to Tom Brady’s wishes, so it was easy for them. Wish both teams could have lost. - Seahawks take the Colts to pound town, no not that pound town the other one
When I picked the Colts to win I forgot one key statistic: Russell Wilson fucking rules. If the Seahawks have as potent a defensive front as they showed against what is theoretically one of the best o-lines in football on Sunday, maybe they’ll avoid another late-season collapse after all. - Niners beat Lions despite the Niners’ best efforts
San Francisco fumbled the exchange on their first snap, then went up like 41-10 before the 4th quarter. Then they let the Lions execute what fell just short of an all-time comeback in the last 5 minutes or so to close to 8 points before the final bell. I hope that this is indicative of the Lions being an entertaining bunch to watch whether they’re playing well or not, but it might just indicate that losing Jason Verrett was big for the San Fran D and that Kyle Shanahan is still obsessed with squandering huge leads. - Arizona whoops ass up on the Titoons
Week 1 is often illusory. It’s not wise to change your opinions of a team based on this week alone. But I’m totally buying whatever Kliff Kingsbury is selling here. Kyler Murray just sliced and diced the Tennessee defense in a way I didn’t expect at all, and the Cards’ big-ticket free agency additions like JJ Watt contributed right away, including drawing attention away from Calais Campbell so he could rack up 5 sacks and 2 forced fumbles. Now they just have to keep it going for a full season this time. - San Diangeles Chargers beat Washington Fitztragedies
The Chargers’ ability to squeeze enough points out of that Washington defense shouldn’t be underplayed, but my enthusiasm is severely dampened by the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick’s hip was sublimated in this game, leaving Tyler Heinecke to do just enough to not quite win.San DiegoLA should feel good about getting a W out of a trip to the East Coast, but in terms of actually learning anything, this is a wash. - Philly falcon-punches Atlanta
When I picked ATL to win this game I forgot one key statistic: the Falcons are ass. - Texans defy expectations by winning a game in 2021, over some college team called the “Jaguars”
It’s one thing to lose a game that’s the consensus lowest-combined-ranking matchup of the week. It’s another to get blown out easily by a team that’s spent more time in the offseason dealing with organizational drama than actually putting together a roster and coaching staff. Shame on me for buying the Trevor Lawrence hype and for listening to the Tyrod Taylor haterz. Now the Texans sit alone atop the AFC South. What a world. - Sam Darnold parades new gf Panthers in front of resentful ex Jets
The Robby Anderson Factor comes up big, though not as big as the Christian McCaffrey factor, which devastated both the Jets and my fantasy matchup. Makhi Becton [sp?] is out for awhile, but honestly the way this roster looks, the Jets might want to consider declaring it a season-long injury. - Steelers pull rug out from under Bills
Another game where I would have loved for them to both lose. And in a way they did, because the Bills regressed on offense and the Steelers needed some lucky bounces to pull off the upset anyway. I’ve rarely been so right about an outcome while being so wrong about the details in my prediction. If this opens the door for the Pats to take back the East I will be even madder at the Steelers, though. - Bengals rob us of the Vikings tie we deserved
Drew Magary’s son proved up for the challenge of vanquishing Magary’s home team with a slate of plucky moves that ended in a buzzer-beating OT field goal after a bold comeback from the Vikings. Cincinnati leaned on a run game that just barely scrapped it out enough to hold control of the game. It was honestly a pretty pitiful outing on both sides, but at least the right team won. Suck it, Kirk. No, I am not looking up Joe Burrow’s vaccination status, let me have this one. - Don’t look now but the Broncos beat the Giants [side-eye emoji]
I guess I was being a defeatist when I picked the Giants! New York had the kind of game Denver has seen a billion times in the last 5 years, where the teams seem fairly even for most of the game, but the opponent is a million times better in key moments. Teddy Bridgewater had a career game, and both he and Vic Fangio were uncharacteristically gutsy, especially on their 4 converted 4th downs. Von Miller’s return went better than I expected (2 sacks 4 tfl) and Patrick Surtain gets a passing grade for his debut, despite a couple blips. With such a weak schedule, playing like this consistently would mean an easy wild card berth. Meanwhile Saquon looked hobbled still, Daniel Jones once again struggled with ball security, and the Giants just looked pretty shite, casing doubts on them as a popular sleeper pick in their equally-shite division. - Saints coast past whatever group of sadsacks stumbled out of the Packers locker room in Jacksonville
It sure didn’t look like the actual Packers. I picked the Saints to win but nobody expected this to be the least competitive matchup of the week. It was over by the end of the first quarter because Green Bay was just no match for whatever was going on on the other side of the ball. I doubt it’s fully indicative of how things will look for either team by season’s end, but at the very least New Orleans leveraged an offseason of legit turmoil and tragedy into a decisive win over a team that spent the same offseason on petty and farcical drama. - Browns are really gonna do it, they’re gonna beat the — oh. Chiefs win.
For some reason the only team Kansas City can’t come back on from a 73-12 deficit at the 2-minute warning is the only team I hate as much as I hate the Chiefs themselves. - Dolphins score 1 more point than the Patriots
And you know what? I’ll take it — which I think is what most Pats fans are saying about Mac Jones’ performance this week. - Rams make Matt Stafford truthers and Justin Fields truthers alike cry tears of joy
The Bears could have been competitive in that game. In fact they were close as it was. Now just imagine if the whole game was played by the QB who came out for one play, scrambled for a TD, and then had to sit and watch the Red BB Gun drown in his own blockers while Stafford threw to receivers open wider than he’s ever seen before. - Raiders make clowns of the field, the ball, the Ravens, the refs, all of us watching from home, and just the sport of football in general
Week 1 saved best for last. It was a pretty standard okay/fine game until late in the 4th quarter, when it became an unbelievable string of comebacks on comebacks on comebacks. I was at work and had the game streaming on my phone because I’m the worst. I went on my break during the 4th quarter and got to see all the fireworks. Each team had this game wrapped up at least 3 times. Incredible. Fuck the Raiders and their stupid Darth Roomba stadium.
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 