Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Locks: 5-1 (16-1)
Survivor: 4-0 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB)
Underdogs: 0-4 (6-7)
Title Belt: LAR lost to ARI (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-1-2 (2-6-4) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award finalist: Arizona Cardinals (4-0)

This week I didn’t watch any football games on Sunday. I only picked 6 winners right, my Broncos lost, and I lost over half of my fake money. And I had one of the best weekends of my life.

• Bengals over Philanderers
  The Thursday game was technically a good and exciting one. The Jaguars looked for the first time this season like a team that could win a game! Trevor Lawrence proved worthy of his draft position! Then the Bengals made a thrilling comeback! Then they kicked a last-second game-winning field goal! Fun! Buuuuut then Urban Myer went and buried those storylines by getting filmed at a bar having some college student grind on him??? Look, maybe he and his wife have a legitimate mutual agreement that permits this stuff, the problem I have is that he’s a creepy old man. It is kinda hilarious for the 0-4 Jaguars to be hit with such a petty scandal though.
  
• Giants over whatever the fuck the Saints are this season (in OT)
  I should have gone with my instinct to pick the Giants upset. Everyone just assumed that playing a bad team and returning to the Superdome for the first time since Hurricane Irma meant the Saints were a lock. I think a lot of that assumption came from flashbacks to the return after Katrina, which was such a different situation. Even in their wins the Saints have been kind of a mess, it’s just that in two out of four games it’s been a beautiful mess and the other two have been an ugly mess. This could turn out to be the most entertaining and unpredictable 9-8 team we’ve ever seen.
  
• Browns over Vikings
  Who needs offenses with defenses like these?
  
• Chiefs over Eagles
  I spent a lot of fantasy auction draft money on Patrick Mahomes. That way he can either be bad and sink the Chiefs, or he can be good and bolster my team! It’s been a great strategy, except this week my opponent had Tyreek Hill. Ugh.
  
• Colts over Dolphins
  I love a good early-season game between two teams that could theoretically end up in the wild card race. It’s been tough sledding for both of these teams, but a game like this one sure feels like it clarifies which direction they’re both heading.
  
• Bears over Failcats
  If the Lions have hit a wall like they did in this game, they will probably win very few games going forward. They shot themselves in the foot so many times. If the Bears have turned a corner like they did in this game, they will probably win several games going forward. They progressed into the Justin Fields era so well.
  
• Cowboys over Panthers 😦
  I bet on Carolina overcoming the loss of their transcendent running back and their hotshot rookie corner. Maybe they could have coped without one of them, but the combined loss was way too much, unfortunately. This sure seems like one of those seasons where Dallas runs away with a shitty division and then makes the Surprised Pikachu face when they get bounced in the playoffs.
  
• Bills blank Texans
  The Texans were “feistier” than a couple of other teams in the first month of the season, but this is why I kept them at the bottom of my rankings. Buffalo razed them to the ground in the Bills’ second shutout win in three weeks.
  
• Jets beat Titans!!!
  Well how about that! (Tennessee was missing Julio Jones and AJ Brown and still seem locked into the AFC 4 seed.)
  
• Washingtons over Failbirds
  Fuckin’ Falcons, smh
  
• Seahawks over Niners
  This division is ridiculous, and now we add Trey Lance to the mix??
  
• Cards beat Rams for the first time in 9 games
  I’ve been quite reserved in my reaction to the Cardinals’ recent success, but they have my attention now. They’re the last undefeated team in the league, they beat Sean McVay for the first time, Kyler Murray is the odds-on fave for MVP, and they’ve scored over 30 points in every game. That shit might be real. Good for Kyler.
  
• Ravens clobber Broncos
  I’m not the first person to point this out but this game seemed a lot like the rest of the Broncos’ seasons since Super Bowl 50. It felt simultaneously like a close game where we just made a couple mistakes, and a blowout where we never had a shot. Why are we the only team in the league that has spent the entire 2020s acting like it’s impossible to score points in the NFL? Let’s hope Teddy Bridgewater’s concussion is not a serious one, because Drew Lock is a trigger for many trauma reactions in me.
  
• Packers and, arguably, refs, over Steelers
  I guess the Steelers had a kick block return TD erased on an iffy offside call. Shit like this happens all the time to less-whiny fanbases and we don’t hear jack about it. But call a 50/50 penalty against Pittsburgh and it’s national news. Glad they lost, very emotionally invested in their trip to Denver next week.
  
• Bucs Ugh Pats
  Absolutely the fuck not.
  
• Chargers and actual literal lightning over Raiders and their second-home field advantage
  I guess I kinda get why the Chargers had to delay the game in a lightning storm even though the stadium is technically a dome? What I don’t get is why so many people love these awful Chargers uniforms.

Locks: 2-0 (11-0)
Survivor: 3-0 (SF, DEN, CAR)
Underdogs: 0-0 (6-3)
Title Belt: TB lost to LAR (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-1-1 (2-5-2) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]

Turns out based on this week, both Vegas and I are only about 50% reliable. I’m even worse against the spread. For the next week I will be in Wedding Mode, so I’m gonna pretty much totally phone in my week 4 shit. Doesn’t really matter since nobody reads these!

• Panthers suffer Pyrrhic victory against the Texans
  The easy part was absolutely demolishing Davis Mills. The hard part is gonna be surviving the multi-week hamstring injury to Christian McCaffrey. And just after I dropped Chuba Hubbard on fantasy!
  
• Saints over Pats
  I don’t know what’s going on but I’ll take it!
  
• Browns over Bears
  The Bears had fewer than 50 total offensive yards. So, maybe Justin Fields can’t fix the Bears on his own. And/or maybe the Browns defense doesn’t secretly suck.
  
• Bengals beat that son of a bitch ben roethlisberger
  That pathetic loser is full-on falling apart, it is glorious. Oh and hey, Ja’marr Chase is fun AND good!
  
• Cardinals beat Ohio State
  Urban Myer just go home bitch! This has to be the hardest loss to swallow so far for the Jags because they looked competitive for like, 3 quarters. Watching Trevor Lawrence play on this team is like watching the scene where Cameron Frye sends his dad’s 1964 Ferrari GT California through the garage window.
  
• Chargers pull a Chiefs and Chiefs pull a Chargers
  The Chiefs are in dead last in the division after 3 weeks because the Chargers gritted out a tough win marked by key turnovers. The script is fully flipped. I’m sure it’s temporary, but it sure is fun for now. Andy Reid took an ambulance to the hospital after the game “as a precaution” so that’s how the rich use healthcare.
  
• Titans beat Colts
  Wentz did okay playing on 0 ankles, but the Titans are doing a great job burying their week 1 flop in a pile of rushing yards from King Henry and Ryan Tannehill.
  
• Giants… Oh, Giants, why?
  Both teams seemed to want to lose the game, but the Giants just… They look… Entirely pathetic, I guess? It’s rough.
  
• Justin Tucker kicks a ball from Baltimore to Detroit!!!!!!!
  After giving up the lead late in the game, the Ravens convert a 4th and like 18 and wish away a delay-of-game to set up Tucker, probably the GOAT of kickers, for a 66-yard field goal, which he nails off the crossbar for the win. The real kicker is that this is the second time the Lions have lost 17-19 on a record-setting field goal. Which is just so Lions. If the kicking record can’t belong to a Bronco it should belong to Tucker.
  
• Bills over Washington
  Buffalo has crafted two of the most smothering and overwhelming outings of the last two weeks. My Josh Allen MVP pick doesn’t look incredible but my Bills 2-seed prediction is alive and well.
  
• Broncos shut out Jets lol
  Consider this the end of the Broncos preseason. It would be nice if our opponents were better than 0-9, and if we had come out this side healthy. But 3-0 is 3-0. We can only play the teams on the schedule, and we did as well as a good team would against them. I just hope it’s not a total illusion.
  
• Raiders hate fun so they kick a FG instead of letting the game end in a tie
  It was a last-second kick, after a back-and-forth game that was entertaining if nothing else. Maybe the Dolphins would have won if they hadn’t thrown a poorly-conceived screen pass in their own end zone for a safety.
  
• Rams rule Buccaneers drool!
  I should have put the Bucs atop my power rankings earlier, because it jinxed them! Their suspect secondary finally hit a team that could take advantage. It’s just so beautiful seeing Matt Stafford succeed. Almost as beautiful as Tom Brady losing and being sad about it. I hope Antonio Brown has COVID every week.
  
• Seahawks hate me
  They seem to make an art of losing against the teams I most want them to beat. Their good stretches are seeming more and more aberrant and their sieve of a defense and stagnant offense are looking more like the baseline. Then again, they have had periods of looking like shit just about every year, so who knows.
  
• Packers give SNF viewers our money’s worth
  The Packers started the year with 6 quarters of concerning football. They’ve now had 6 quarters of good shit and I think that’s who they’re going to be moving forward. If Aaron Rodgers was checked out of football, he’s definitely checked back in after driving into range for a game-winning kick with 37 seconds and 0 time outs. He was legitimately misty-eyed in the postgame interview. Good shit all around.
  
• Cowboys beat Eagles probably
  Did I write this after the game, or did I write it Sunday night so that unless the Eagles pull off an upset I can just have it written already? You’ll never know.

Locks: 6-0 (9-0)
Survivor: 2-0 (SF, DEN)
Underdogs: 2-0 (6-3)
Title Belt: TB defended from ATL (4 week reign)
Needles: 0-3-1 (2-4-1) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]

The major lesson of week 2 is that refs suck. They now have essentially free rein to penalize players for being somewhat rude. And boy did they ever take advantage of that power this week. Yeah, taunting is sometimes a way that toxic masculinity manifests in the NFL, but most of the flags for it have been utter bullshit. I beg the NFL to repeal their new rule before a Saints season ends when a lineman gets flagged in a playoff game for looking at an opponent wrong.

• Washingtons over New Yorks
  The Giants looked a lot better Thursday than they did week 1. But they still game-managed their way into a loss. The Washington defense was not as stout as advertised, but Tyler Hankie did as well as a backup can do on a short week. The least-compelling division in football has a 4-way tie. Oh joy.
  
• Broncos over Jags
  It looked dire when the Jags easily flowed down the field to score a touchdown on the first drive. But after that, they got absolutely nothing done outside a kickoff return. It took the Broncos too long to warm up, but it was easy in the second half. I’ll happily accept going 3-0 before finding out if we’re worth a damn against real teams. When that time comes, we might regret losing Josey Jewell in this game.
  
• Panthers over Saints
  Pretty smug about calling this right. Jameis is still Jameis. This is what the Saints signed up for. The Panthers are shaping up to be a dangerous defense-forward team.
  
• Niners over Eagles
  Do I think I might have slept on the Eagles? sure. A lot of us did. Do I think they also have shown some of the fatal flaws that made me and others doubt them? You bet.
  
• Justin Fields’ Bears over Bengals
  The football gods are trying to save Matt Nagy from himself by knocking Andy Dalton out of the game. Justin Fields looked a bit rough, and the defense really won this game, which is how the Bears have won every time they’ve made the playoffs in the last… Well, forever, really.
  
• Bills shut out Miami
  Tua got his ribs blasted in and the Jake Brisket Dolphins were DOA. The Bills were not even that inspiring, Miami just totally rolled over. If Tua is out long this could get really ugly. Even if he’s not, he didn’t look fantastic anyway.
  
• Patriots over Jetttts
  Those “t”s stand for turnover, as in the 4 interceptions Zach Wilson threw. The Pats should have won by more than they did, honestly. They’ve got an 11-game streak going over the Jets, who next face the second-worst coach to throw your rookie out against.
  
• Raiders over Steelers
  Smug about getting this right too. Derek Carr is balling out, Ben Roethlisberger is dying, it’s all coming together.
  
• Rams outlast Colts
  It wasn’t always pretty but the Rams won fairly comfortably. Somehow Carson Wentz sprained both ankles, and the team says he is “probably” not playing next week. Ya think? Jesus.
  
• Browns saved by Tyrod Taylor injury
  The Texans were on their way to escaping the bottom spot on my rankings with a stunning upset. Then Taylor made way for Davis Mills at halftime and the Browns were able to pull ahead. Rip.
  
• Buccaneers over Falcons
  Tom Brady might be better right now than he has ever been. Kill me.
  
• Cardinals make Mike Zimmer doubt his entire career path
  You miss an extra point, find yourself in field goal range down 1 with seconds left, then miss a 37-yarder? Who does that?
  
• Cowboys sit back and let the Chargers be the Chargers
  I hear the refs were a pain in the ass here and that Mike McCarthy almost lost due to inexplicably bad clock management. Classic. As it is, the Chargers did not live up to what their performance should have been. Both defenses are suspect.
  
• Titans make me and Russell Wilson cry
  Reports of Derek Henry’s demise are greatly exaggerated. He just about single-handedly dragged the Titans back from the dead to win in overtime. The Seahawks are infuriating sometimes.
  
• Ravens’ giant balls over the Chiefs
  Watched this at work, barely worked because it was too exciting.
  
• Packers over Lions
  Despite a lopsided final score, the Packers looked flat in the first half. Still feel like I don’t know who they are.