Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Locks: 1-3 (35-8)
Survivor: 8-2 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL, LAR)
Underdogs: 0-3 (17-22)
Title Belt: KC defended from LVR (2 week reign)
Needles: 1-2-0 (9-14-8) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Millen-Sashi Award finalists: Detroit Lions (0-8-1)
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden

Chaos reigns. A terrible week for predicting games, even worse week for fake bets — like, apocalyptically bad. Losses for the Broncos, Seahawks, Saints, and my poor Portland Thorns, while the Patriots and Chiefs both won. Sure, the Packers won, but they are on Rooting Probation for the Rodgers bullshit. But of course there’s also the fun kind of chaos: a tie!!! Which leaves me with the hilarious question: are the Lions still in the running for the Millen-Sashi award? If they went 0-16-1 would they win the jackpot? Is it an award for losing of for failing to win? I don’t know!!!! I think they’re off the hook but also it would be even funnier if they went the whole season with only half a win.

• Dolphins over Ravens
  what
  
• Titans over Saints
  I did anticipate the Titans winning, but it kinda stings to lose by 2 in a game where you missed 2 extra point kicks, muffed the second half kickoff, and were victimized by a bullshit roughing call and a bullshit PI call on the same goal-to-go situation that negate an interception and a 3rd down stop.
  
• Bills over Jets
  RIP to the dream of Mike White. It was fun while it lasted I guess.
  
• Patriots over Browns
  Oooooooofff.
  
• Team over Bucs
  WHAT
  
• Cowboys over Falcons
  It’s just still so damn weird that in this league the Broncos and Cowboys can have last week’s results followed up by their respective results this week. Makes no sense.
  
• Colts over Jaguars
  The Colts didn’t look great for a lot of the game, but a win is a win.
  
• LIONS AND STEELERS TIE!!
  WHAT?
  Y’all, I love me a good tie, and this one was gorgeous. The missed kicks, the fumbles, the rain-induced ridiculousness.
  
• Panthers over Cardinals
  WHAT!?!?
  Cam is back, I guess? And Colt McCoy is somehow not actually a long-term solution, who could have seen that coming?
  
• Vikings over Chargers
  WHAAAAAATTT!?!?
  These two teams are cousins in that they are frequently good but eternally cursed. So of course when they meet, the one that looked like they were finally overcoming that history is the one that lays an egg.
  
• Eagles over Broncos
  We suck and it sucks.
  
• Packers shut out Seahawks
  😦
  
• Chiefs over Raiders
  I thought we would get one last game of overachieving Raiders and underachieving Chiefs before the mean regressed its ugly head, but I guess not.
  
• 49ers over Rams
  W H A A A A A A A T T T T !!!!!!! ??????? !!!!!

Here we are, halfway through the season! Aaaaaand I feel nothing about it. Have fun.

Full game-by-game predictions here

AFC NORTH

I have the same two teams making the playoffs out of this division as I did at the start of the season, but not in the same order. The Ravens are, for now, among the cream of the AFC’s crop, and the Browns are starting to come back from a series of injury speed bumps. The major change here is that I now have the Bengals and Steelers both just barely missing the playoffs, meaning if I’m just a couple games off in my predictions they could be in. I would have very different reactions based on which of them pulled it off.

AFC SOUTH

The Titans wrapped the division up in week 8 by sweeping the Colts, un-wrapped it by losing Derrick Henry, then re-wrapped it by destroying the Bills. The Colts are firmly on the bubble, and the Texans and Jags are both in the battle for the top seed.

AFC EAST

The Bills should really be fearing the Patriots. It might come down to their head-to-head series to decide who wins the division. Which is a surprise, since four games in the Bills led the league in both offense and defense and the Pats were 1-3. The Jets have winnable games coming up and should look to build momentum for the future, while the Dolphins look headed for a rebuild again.

AFC WEST

A hilarious division to try and predict, it should be a logjam to the very end. I still think LA and KC will be the ones to emerge from the smoke, but anything could happen, really.

NFC NORTH

Aaron Rodgers is dead to me now, which means the Lions are perhaps my favourite team in the division. (Not really, I can’t quit you, Packers, just your lying-ass QB). The Vikings are capable of taking any team to OT but they’ll lose that OT to about 20 out of the 32. The Bears are just here to develop Justin Fields and play out Nagy’s last season. It would be pretty funny for the Lions to go winless, but it would also be absolutely devastating.

NFC SOUTH

If the Saints were to take game 2 against the Buccaneers, in my projections, they would take the division. It’s not gonna happen though. The Falcons have momentum, but so did the Panthers a month ago. The Saints are a week-to-week proposition but overall they’re a good roster. And I just want to see Trevor Siemian start a playoff game.

NFC EAST

I see Dallas as somewhat fraudulent just because I hate them, but they’re a shoo-in for the division already. The surprise here is the Eagles snatching up the last playoff spot. The lower edge of the NFC playoff field is a mess, so I think no matter who ends up there, it will be somewhat of a shock. The Giants and Washingtons being bad? That’s not a shock.

NFC WEST

A close race at the top of the division, but Arizona’s head start gives them the edge in my projections, though with Von Miller’s help I do have the Rams taking the Cards in game 2 and sealing up the top wild card spot. The Seahawks miss the postseason by the narrowest of margins, making their close calls all the more frustrating. The Niners are soul-searching. Good for them?

AWARDS:

MVP: Kyler Murray
Coach of the Year: Mike Vrabel
Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady
Defensive Player of the Year: Aaron Donald
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Ja’marr Chase
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Micah Parsons
Comeback Player of the Year: Dak Prescott

Dak and Parsons predictions were spot on, can’t think of anyone to interrupt the default of Aaron Donald DPOY. I just really hope Brady doesn’t con his way into MVP.

Packers win!!! Under circumstances where I don’t even really root for them!!! I would love to still think the Browns were going to the Big Game but I just don’t. The Saints-Cardinals-Rams-Titans run is a lot to expect out of the Packers but they should be healthy at the right time, and as unpleasant as the Aaron Rodgers bullshit is, he is exactly the kind of person to turn it into a chip on his shoulder. The Titans benefit big-time from the top seed, because I don’t think I’d favor them on the road or for 3 straight games. Really, the lesson I take from making these predictions, is that there are a lot of really compelling potential matchups for the Super Bowl! And then also the Buccaneers and Cowboys.

Locks: 3-2 (34-5)
Survivor: 8-1 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL)
Underdogs: 2-1 (17-19)
Title Belt: KC won from GB (1 week reign)
Needles: 2-1-0 (8-12-8) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Millen-Sashi Award finalists: Detroit Lions (0-8)
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden

I have complained, and will continue to complain, about the inelegant mathematics of the league’s new 17-game schedule. But I have to admit, it makes me very happy that there is an actual halfway point to the season at week 9, as opposed to pretending that week 8 marked midseason even though it was really 8.5. Either way, these seasons go by a lot faster when I don’t really care and expect the worst from my favourite team.

• Colts over Jets
  I was terrified that Mike White would turn out to be some MAGA idiot because we can’t have nice things. Turns out the stronger force here is the Jets’ inability to have nice things, because the other outcome happened: White got injured early in his first start. The early goings were looking like a shootout, then the Jets started failing to score even though Josh Johnson also had a lot of production stepping in. The Jets just could not stop the Colts to save their life. What fun.
  
• BRONCOS!!!!! OVER!!!!! COWBOYS!!!!!???????
  I dunno. I can’t explain it. The only thing I can imagine is that winning one for Von was an extremely good motivator, and winning early battles went a long way to winning the war. Not sure it’s anything sustainable, but I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of knowing that the Cowboys still haven’t beat my team since my first birthday.
  
• Falcons over Saints
  I’m not saying that prediction Saints games is my superpower, but I did get bitten by a radioactive Archie Manning last month…
  
• Jags over Bills apparently????
  We should have known that Josh Allen vs Josh Allen would result in a rift in spacetime. It’s not often that my #1 ranked team loses to my #32 ranked team, so there’s some rethinking to do here.
  
• Browns over Bengals
  Is there a stronger addition-by-subtraction factor in the NFL than Odell Beckham Jr.? I honestly believe that the Browns are significantly, permanently better off instantly by virtue of his being gone.
  
• Patriots over Panthers
  [Sam Darnold seeing ghosts joke here]
  
• Giants over Raiders
  At some point, the avalanche of scandals has got to get to the Raiders, right? Is this the beginning of that? Was cutting their underperforming first-round sophomore cornerback for being an idiot the final straw?
  
• Dolphins over the glorified college football program that is the Texans
  I’m not the only one who thought the return of Tyrod Taylor would spark Houston to a win over an almost equally-dysfunctional Miami team, but turns out that Taylor plus 5 takeaways was still not sufficient to even make the Texans competitive.
  
• Ravens over Vikings in the most clandestine OT
  These teams lead the league in weird endings, so of course this is how it went down. It’s what they deserve for combining for 0 vaccinated starting QBs. The Vikings also have Dalvin Cook involved in some complex mutual-domestic-abuse situation and an unnamed player in the hospital with COVID. If Mike Zimmer is the one fired for all this, I’m not sure that’s quite fair.
  
• Chargers over Eagles
  I thought it would be by a wider margin but kudos on the Chargers for balling out and winning despite being worse at run defense than my quidditch team during our 1-14 first season.
  
• Chefs over Jordan Love’s Packers
  Possibly the first time the Chiefs have had a morally justified victory.
  
• Colt McCoy’s Cards over 49ers
  The Cardinals have done a lot this season, but winning with McCoy instead of Kyler Murray is what’s impressed me the most so far.
  
• Titans over Rams
  Over the course of about 5 days the Titans completely pivoted from the most run-based team in the league to a team that doesn’t need even a sniff of run game to beat a true super bowl contender on the road, so…
  
• Steelers/Refs over Bears
  Ugh. It’s shit like this that keeps me from being able to like the Steelers, even if they hadn’t been led by the avatar of patriarchal violence and unaccountability for my whole life.

Locks: 2-1 (31-3)
Survivor: 7-1 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN)
Underdogs: 5-3 (15-18)
Title Belt: GB won from ARI (1 week reign)
Needles: 2-0-1 (6-11-8) [Threaded-fave covered-dog won]
Don Shula Award 2021: Arizona Cardinals
Millen-Sashi Award finalists: Detroit Lions (0-8)
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden

What a happy Footballoween! Chaos reigned! Upsets galore! QBs you’ve never heard of won half the games, including the end of my Survivor streak! The last unbeaten team fell and ceded the Title Belt to its originator! My teams had a Golden Week! There was an onside kick returned for a TD! An MVP candidate got injured for the season! I got compliments on my Totoro costume! Von Miller totally didn’t get traded what are you talking about that would be too sad for me to handle right now!!!!

• Pack take down the Cards
  Aaron Rodgers had a vintage performance to take out the at-the-time-undefeated Cardinals despite missing just about half the rest of the offense. As Rodgers goes, so goes Packers Nation, so seeing him go ape on a top-tier team has to be encouraging. God, I wish the Broncos had that.
  
• Niners over Bears
  The good news for Matt Nagy is that he can’t be solely blamed for this loss as he was out with COVID. The bad news is that this is actually the most competitive the Bears have looked against a non-Gruden-fueled-implosion team this year, and Nagy can’t claim credit for it.
  
• Mike White!!!
  Two cursed fanbases, one in significantly better shape than the other. Of course the underdog won. Of course the Bengals slip up the week after finally beating up the Big Brother Ravens. Of course all it took to get good QB play for the Jets was starting the virtually nameless backup. Classic.
  
• Bills over Dolphins
  Not the best showing from the Bills. They still won pretty comfortably.
  
• Eagles kick the bloated corpse of the Lions
  What a week to decide the Lions are due for a win. 0-17 seems increasingly on the table. Of course, just about every season a team emerges that you must can’t see winning a game, and they always do. Er, almost always…
  
• Panthers over Falcons
  Sure, why not?
  
• Rams over Texans
  Deshaun Watson is still in Houston after the trade deadline, so you know what that means: this offseason is gonna be fun.
  
• Steelers defeat the Browns and their own kicker
  Were it not for a Jarvis Landry fumble, we would probably be talking about how the Steelers shot themselves in the foot by running a naked bootleg with their kicker that got him knocked back to Super Bowl XIII when they needed him most. Instead we get to talk about how the Browns are such a disappointment, which in and of itself is a disappointment.
  
• Titans take division in OT vs Colts
  With three games and a tiebreaker over the Colts, the Titans seem like a lock to win the AFC South. But I can’t think of a clearer example of a pyrrhic victory than one than loses Derrick Henry for the year. The dude was supposed to break the all-time carries and yards records! Tragic.
  
• Pats over Chargers
  Ick
  
• Seahawks over Jaguars
  It was the Seahawks who returned that onside kick. Urban Myer does not deserve to even be one-and-done, he needs to be gone NOW.
  
• Saints sans rapist QB over dastardly Bucs whodat!
  Jameis Winston tore his ACL in this game, meaning not only can I root for the Saints again, but it’s all the more impressive that they beat the fraud Tom Brady by the power of former Broncos QB Trevor Siemian, who is arguably the best quarterback we’ve had since Peyton left.
  
• Broncos win a game because Washingtons refuse to
  I have never seen two teams so intent on losing the same game. This was one of the very stupidest games I’ve ever seen. Nobody should be rewarded in any was for this. I get why the Von Miller trade had to happen, but it makes me so pissed that the Broncos failed to keep a competitive team around him for the last 7 years.
  
• Amari Cooper Rush Cowboys beat Vikings
  You may care about wins and rings and whatnot, what I care about is that the Cowboys now have the only TD in NFL history where the receiver’s last name is the passer’s first name (Amari Cooper and Cooper Rush) AND the opposite, the only TD where the passer (Andy Dalton) had the same last name at the receiver’s first (Dalton Schultz, in 2019). That’s what football is really about.
  
• Chiefs BARELY beat Giants
  God I wish the Giants could close a game. Mahomes cost me a fantasy matchup again.