Author: Benjamin Netzorg

Locks: 2-0 (77-13)
Underdogs: 1-1 (34-38)
Title Belt: CLE retires to offseason (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-1-0 (16-28-15) [Thread-cover-dog win]
Fallen Tributes: HOU, JAX, NYJ, DET, CHI, NYG, SEA, CAR, WSH, DEN, ATL, MIN, CLE, MIA, IND, BAL, LAC, NO, LVR, NE, PHI, DAL, PIT, ARI
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden, Urban Meyer, Vic Fangio, Matt Nagy, Mike Zimmer, Brian Flores, Joe Judge, David Culley

Hot take: I think the function of the 7 seed is less about having compelling 7/2 matchups and more about having better 6/3 and 5/4 matchups. Still not working though.

• Bengals over Raiders
  For all that they’ve been through this season, the Raiders still gave us an entertaining playoff game, and bless them for that. The Bengals win their first playoff game of my lifetime, and it feels like some cruel joke that Chris Weaseling isn’t here to see it.
  
• Bills over Patriots
  7 drives, 7 TDs, unprecedented shit from the Bills. And the schadenfreude is delicious.
  
• Buccaneers over Eagles
  As depressing as expected.
  
• Niners over Cowboys lol
  I was picking up wings during the last 2 minutes of this game and the 49ers fan party in the back room sounded like they were happy to catch COVID for this event.
  
• It’s Finally Over
  Ben is finally gone
  
• Rams over Cardinals
  The definition of going down in flames. If the Rams don’t get after Brady like this next week…

AFC NORTH

Perhaps the most confusing division result, overall, when considering how this season started. And yet, doesn’t it make sense on the larger scale that Roethlisberger dcsked his way into the playoffs one last time, and that the Browns couldn’t sustain success, and that the Ravens’ multitude of injuries finally caught up to them? The Bengals though, that came out of nowhere.

AFC SOUTH

The Texans and Jaguars were as shit as expected — though I think at the beginning of the season a lot of people would have thought the Jags were the one with a promising roster that could be surprisingly competent if not very prolific. I think we have to accept that Vrabel is just a good head coach and the reason the Titans are good. The Colts blew it so hard, one imagines how things could have turned out if they didn’t start the season with a clandestine 0-5 streak.

AFC EAST

I guess the Pats are back but not all the way? Probably means they’ll win the Super Bowl next year.

AFC WEST

I’m not bitter.

NFC NORTH

It would be just like the NFL to have the Packers win the Super Bowl as soon as I stop actually rooting for them. Dan Campbell is definitely the best coach in the league.

NFC SOUTH

This is a boring way for this to shake out. Not sure what the Panthers’ next direction is, probably not a good one. The Falcons don’t have time on Matt Ryan’s career to build a roster around him, but Kyle Pitts is a good start. The Saints are a QB away again.

NFC EAST

Not a shock that the Cowboys won the division, nor that the Giants are ass. Somewhat of a shock that the Eagles made the playoffs and the Washingtons suck.

NFC WEST

Seems poetic somehow that every team other than the Seahawks made the postseason out of this division. Very impressive by Arizona to stumble all the way out of at least the 2 seed.

AWARDS:

MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Coach of the Year: Zac Taylor
Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady
Defensive Player of the Year: TJ Watt
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Ja’marr Chase
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Micah Parsons
Comeback Player of the Year: Dak Prescott

I don’t really know man.

Maybe just pessimism, but…

Locks: 4-0 (75-13)
Survivor: 15-3 (SF, DEN, CAR, TB, DAL, IND, NE, CIN, BAL, LAR, CLE, BUF, MIA, TEN, ARI, PHI, GB, KC)
Underdogs: 2-1 (33-37)
Title Belt: CLE won from CIN (1 week reign)
Needles: 0-1-2 (16-27-15) [Thread-cover-dog win]
Playoffs!?!?: GB, DAL, KC, LAR, TB, ARI, TEN, CIN, BUF, NE, PHI, LVR, PIT, SF
Fallen Tributes: HOU, JAX, NYJ, DET, CHI, NYG, SEA, CAR, WSH, DEN, ATL, MIN, CLE, MIA, IND, BAL, LAC, NO
Coach Graveyard: Jon Gruden, Urban Meyer, Vic Fangio

Well, for all of my griping over how useless a 18th week is, that was pretty epic. Ugh.

• Chiefs over Broncos
  What a fitting end to the Fangio era: play the Chiefs competitively and yet it still feels like we never really had a chance because the offense was so inconsistent. Awful.
  
• Cowboys over Eagles
  Inconsequential.
  
• Lions over Packers backups
  Good for him (Dan Campbell)!
  
• Vikings over Bears
  This was the real Packers win.
  
• Brown over Bengals backups
  Inconsequential.
  
• Jaguars cause CHAOS!!
  Every division has its parity quirks, but the Colts being completely incapable of keeping their heads on their shoulders in Jacksonville is one of the wilder ones. The Colts winning was the lynchpin of a peaceful end to the AFC wild card race, but they just couldn’t. It’s wild to think the season they just had is not going to result in finishing in the playoffs in the 7-seed pool.
  
• Steelers cause MORE CHAOS!!
  The Jaguars win left the door open for the Steelers, who took advantage of it by coming back on the Ravens to win in OT. Meaning not only did we get another extra quarter of Ben’s shitty career, but a whole additional playoff game, presuming the Chargers and Raiders didn’t tie, which of course they would never do. TJ Watt tied the sack record but didn’t break it.
  
• Titans hold on over Texans
  The second half was a little rocky but the Titans did what they needed to do to keep the top seed in the AFC. Now they get another week to rest Derrick Henry before bringing him back to shake off the rust against whatever poor sap manages an upset in wild card week.
  
• Washington over Giants
  What a shitshow.
  
• Niners are mean
  All they had to do was lose to the Rams and the Saints would be in the playoffs. But instead they pull a Steelers: come back in regulation, then twist the dagger in OT. Are they the more worthy playoff team? Unquestionably. Don’t care. This was Sean McVay’s first career loss when leading at halftime.
  
• Bills over Jets
  It wasn’t easy. Is that because the Bills are not a top-shelf team, or because Robert Saleh has coached this Jets team up better than their abysmal record? Probably both.
  
• Buccs over Panthers
  Eew.
  
• Saints over Falcons but it doesn’t mean anything
  I mean, beating the Falcons always means something, but with the Niners winning we still have to think about what could have been in one of the Saints’ many close losses this season, most notably the home chapter of the series against Atlanta.
  
• Seahawks over Cardinals
  Seattle has perfected the art of getting hot at the wrong time. At least the Carroll/Wilson era ends with a spirited victory, one that will put the Cards on the road for the playoffs, which given their home/away splits might be a blessing in disguise.
  
• Dolphins over Pats but somehow BriFlo still gets canned??
  Miami put up a legitimate effort and made it 3 in a row against Bill Belichick. And yet Brian Flores, one of the NFL’s 4 Black head coaches this season, gets fired for not having chemistry with the mediocre GM or mediocre QB. Wild.
  
• Raiders cause EVEN MORE CHAOS but we were SO CLOSE TO MAXIMUM CHAOS!!!!!
  Y’all, I was more invested in this gem of a game ending in a tie than I have been in any Broncos game this season. We were so close!!!! If the Chargers run defense was worth anything close to a damn we would have witnessed NFL Peak Chaos, it would have been so beautiful. But instead the Raiders just barely make the yardage to kick a game-winning FG as time expires. Tragic. Now they drag their interim coach into the playoffs, where they’ll start off against the Bengals, who have been so inconsistent one can actually imagine the Raiders have a chance.