Week 17 Results 2021

God, how long is this season gonna be????

• Buccaneers over Jets because some things never change
  Tom Brady may be in a different uniform now, but he is still perfectly capable of inexplicably playing like shit against the Jets for 59 minutes and then instantaneously ripping out their hearts. And speaking of things not changing, Antonio Brown did some stupid shit, and everyone is having the Wrong Takes on it. My take: if a player advocating for their own health on the sideline made them toxic to my team but that same player being a serial rapist didn’t, I would think I needed to change my entire team.
  
• Those wonderful sons of bitches the Bengals over those miserable sons of bitches the Chiefs
  What a beautiful game! I think going for it was the right decision, and I’m glad it worked out for Cincy, who now get the least probable division win of the season and the NFL Title Belt. I’ll remember this game next time I’m on a madden franchise and fear that it’s unrealistic for my rookie receiver to go off for almost 300 yards in a random game.
  
• Titans over Dolphins
  The Dolphins were obviously a long shot to pull off their unlikely playoff run, but the Titans slammed that door shut emphatically, and get a game against Houston for the #1 seed as a reward.
  
• Eagles knock out Washington
  Going into the year, the Eagles were a bottom-10 team on everyone’s rankings, including mine. Now they’re an exciting wild card team with one of the best rushing offenses in the league. It was a slow start today but it’s always fun to eliminate a division rival.
  
• Bills over Falcons
  An early safety made this interesting longer than it should have been but once Kyle Pitts went out with an injury, the Falcons folded. Biggest thing for the Bills was finding something of a ground game, which they will need to avoid a first-round exit in the postseason.
  
• Bears over Giants
  If you’re getting blown out by the fucking Bears why are you keeping your head coach??
  
• Patriots seemingly play football against air but it’s actually the Jaguars
  They scored 50 without blinking. Brutal.
  
• Raiders over Carson Wentz’s COVID-having ass
  Wentz played because it had been 5 days since his first positive test and his symptoms were decreasing. So the Raiders get to stay in the hunt but there’s a near 100% chance Wentz gave havlf of them COVID. Idiot. The CDC wants us all to die now.
  
• Rams over Ravens but like, barely
  Matt Stafford fucked around a lot for awhile but turned it on in time to eke out the win. The Ravens have been obliterated by fate this season, it’s just not their year.
  
• Niners over Texans after a brief scare
  Houston led 7-0 at the half and kept it 7-7 deep into the 3rd. Maybe it just took some time for Trey Lance to get his sea legs. I’m not gonna go back and look at the film for this but it sounds like he played okay. Now SF faces a win-and-in game against the Rams.
  
• Chargers eliminate Broncos
  I didn’t want to lose but I must admit I am glad we’ve been put out of our misery. I don’t understand how Pat Shurmur survived this season, but sticking with him dragged Vic Fangio down too. There is now no doubt he needs to be gone. So we’ll head into the offseason with empty slots at QB, HC, and owner. George Paton seems okay though. LA now faces an extra playoff game against Vegas.
  
• Seahawks go out with a bang over Lions
  Either Pete Carroll or Russell Wilson will be gone by 2022 kickoff. Laying 50 on the Lions is a hell of a way to say goodbye to their era in Seattle, but it would be nice if they had any semblance of an offense in any of the previous weeks.
  
• Saints apparently played Carolina and won
  Didn’t pay any attention whatsoever to this game. Couldn’t even tell you who played QB for NOLA. I just know now they need to beat Atlanta and have the Niners lose to the Rams to make the playoffs. I’d be lying if I said I think they deserve it.
  
• Cardinals over Cowboys lol
  Nice.
  
• Packers over whatever you would call the Vikings if they didn’t have a quarterback
  Mike Zimmer should in fact be applauded for not murdering Kirk Cousins.
  
• Bye, bitch.
  There’s still one game left for Ben Roethlisberger to be murdered on the field, but it won’t happen in front of a home crowd I guess. Maybe it would be better for it to happen in Baltimore, it would be more of a jubilant atmosphere.