Week 8 Results 2021

What a happy Footballoween! Chaos reigned! Upsets galore! QBs you’ve never heard of won half the games, including the end of my Survivor streak! The last unbeaten team fell and ceded the Title Belt to its originator! My teams had a Golden Week! There was an onside kick returned for a TD! An MVP candidate got injured for the season! I got compliments on my Totoro costume! Von Miller totally didn’t get traded what are you talking about that would be too sad for me to handle right now!!!!

• Pack take down the Cards
  Aaron Rodgers had a vintage performance to take out the at-the-time-undefeated Cardinals despite missing just about half the rest of the offense. As Rodgers goes, so goes Packers Nation, so seeing him go ape on a top-tier team has to be encouraging. God, I wish the Broncos had that.
  
• Niners over Bears
  The good news for Matt Nagy is that he can’t be solely blamed for this loss as he was out with COVID. The bad news is that this is actually the most competitive the Bears have looked against a non-Gruden-fueled-implosion team this year, and Nagy can’t claim credit for it.
  
• Mike White!!!
  Two cursed fanbases, one in significantly better shape than the other. Of course the underdog won. Of course the Bengals slip up the week after finally beating up the Big Brother Ravens. Of course all it took to get good QB play for the Jets was starting the virtually nameless backup. Classic.
  
• Bills over Dolphins
  Not the best showing from the Bills. They still won pretty comfortably.
  
• Eagles kick the bloated corpse of the Lions
  What a week to decide the Lions are due for a win. 0-17 seems increasingly on the table. Of course, just about every season a team emerges that you must can’t see winning a game, and they always do. Er, almost always…
  
• Panthers over Falcons
  Sure, why not?
  
• Rams over Texans
  Deshaun Watson is still in Houston after the trade deadline, so you know what that means: this offseason is gonna be fun.
  
• Steelers defeat the Browns and their own kicker
  Were it not for a Jarvis Landry fumble, we would probably be talking about how the Steelers shot themselves in the foot by running a naked bootleg with their kicker that got him knocked back to Super Bowl XIII when they needed him most. Instead we get to talk about how the Browns are such a disappointment, which in and of itself is a disappointment.
  
• Titans take division in OT vs Colts
  With three games and a tiebreaker over the Colts, the Titans seem like a lock to win the AFC South. But I can’t think of a clearer example of a pyrrhic victory than one than loses Derrick Henry for the year. The dude was supposed to break the all-time carries and yards records! Tragic.
  
• Pats over Chargers
  Ick
  
• Seahawks over Jaguars
  It was the Seahawks who returned that onside kick. Urban Myer does not deserve to even be one-and-done, he needs to be gone NOW.
  
• Saints sans rapist QB over dastardly Bucs whodat!
  Jameis Winston tore his ACL in this game, meaning not only can I root for the Saints again, but it’s all the more impressive that they beat the fraud Tom Brady by the power of former Broncos QB Trevor Siemian, who is arguably the best quarterback we’ve had since Peyton left.
  
• Broncos win a game because Washingtons refuse to
  I have never seen two teams so intent on losing the same game. This was one of the very stupidest games I’ve ever seen. Nobody should be rewarded in any was for this. I get why the Von Miller trade had to happen, but it makes me so pissed that the Broncos failed to keep a competitive team around him for the last 7 years.
  
• Amari Cooper Rush Cowboys beat Vikings
  You may care about wins and rings and whatnot, what I care about is that the Cowboys now have the only TD in NFL history where the receiver’s last name is the passer’s first name (Amari Cooper and Cooper Rush) AND the opposite, the only TD where the passer (Andy Dalton) had the same last name at the receiver’s first (Dalton Schultz, in 2019). That’s what football is really about.
  
• Chiefs BARELY beat Giants
  God I wish the Giants could close a game. Mahomes cost me a fantasy matchup again.