Week 7 Results 2021

I spent all of Sunday at a pumpkin patch, which was rendered pure mud by the same bomb cyclone that made SNF a mess. Honestly it was so much better than watching football. I’m not usually one to adhere to the traditional concept of “life progress” but for some reason being married makes baby fever like 10 times worse, and now I just want to take sweater-wearing toddlers to a pumpkin patch goddamnit.

• Browns over Broncos
  That one hurt. We owed the Browns some karma for multiple championship game miracles, but did we have to lose to them when they’re in shambles? A season that started 0-3 feels like it’s time to pack it in. For a team that’s had consistent success for decades, it’s painful to know we lack stability at literally any level, and see the consequences of that against a team that’s finally coming out of that situation.
  
• Pack over WTF
  The Packers were outgained in yards most of the way, yet it was never in doubt. The Packers are just like this: a dominant force in the regular season that just doesn’t seem poised to run through the playoffs. But hey, there’s 10 weeks left, a lot can change.
  
• Kitty goes Meow
  The Bengals are for real, and furthermore they are fucking fun to watch! I’m not the biggest fan of importing QB-WR chemistry from college, but you can’t argue with the results the Bengals are getting from Ja’marr Chase. He’s the first rookie to ever have a 200-yard game, and he’s on pace to break the NFL receiving yardage record. That doesn’t mean he will, especially not in the first 16 games, but it’s very satisfying to see.
  
• Titans pummel the Chiefs in very satisfying fashion
  To everyone who derives great schadenfreude from seeing the Chiefs struggle thanks to the curse I placed on them by drafting Pat Mahomes in fantasy: you’re welcome. Long live King Henry.
  
• Falcons over Dolphins
  The only close game of the week and it wasn’t even really watchable because it was Falcons and Dolphins. I don’t think Matt Ryan will ever play another playoff game, but Art Smith’s coaching is solid so far and Kyle Pitts is gaining steam as a potential core of the next good Falcons team. If the Dolphins really do trade for Deshaun Watson, that will reflect poorly on Tua Tagavailoa, the Dolphins, the Texans, Deshaun Watson, the NFL, and the US justice system.
  
• Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Pats over Jets
  The Jets saw the Patriots turn into a pumpkin, and they hired a bright new coach and drafted a top QB talent in the draft. And yet here they are, swept by New England for the 93rd season in a row, giving up 50 points to Mac Jones and having to play a backup so unknown that I’m just gonna assume that they’ll sign an actual backup within the week.
  
• Giants over Panthers just like I said
  Sam Darnold was benched for PJ Williams. The wheels have so thoroughly come off the Panthers wagon that it seems like they’re actively trying to give away the 3-0 start even more spectacularly than the Broncos.
  
• Where We’re Going the Raiders Don’t Need Coaches
  It wasn’t particularly close. The Eagles took too long to show up at all. Derek Carr is having an amazing season, and one wonders if the Bisaccia Bump can actually just be the Raiders being a good and talented team that’s going to comfortably defeat bad teams even with an interim coach.
  
• Stafford wins breakup despite Dan Campbell’s best efforts
  In the game of the week, the Lions gave the scrappiest performance by a team that seems to have no chance since my quidditch team disbanded. I absolutely want to see teams drive for a TD, onside kick, and fake a punt all before letting their opponent finally sniff the ball 10 minutes into the game and down 10 points. Unfortunately for the 0-7 Detroit team, the Rams are still way better than them and were able to win. A big part of the win was the work of Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey, both of whom seem to harbor lasting resentment for Jared Goff’s mediocre play while they were running incredible defenses for years. Very entertaining, 10/10.
  
• Buccaneers over what I’m told is a professional football team
  Matt Nagy now has COVID, which makes sense because he’s spent all year making the people of Chicago feel ill.
  
• Cardinals scorigami the hell out of the Texans
  Nice of Arizona to spot Houston a 5-0 lead before scoring 31 unanswered points.
  
• Colts over 49ers
  Yes, I do think that if Trey Lance doesn’t fall into shape Kyle Shanahan is in trouble. No I don’t just think this because I want the Broncos to have another chance to try and sign him.
  
• Saints over Seahawks
  Neither of these teams can play a normal fucking football game. This one was not so fun though.