Week 5 Results 2021

The story on the field this week was the missed kicks — double-digit missed field goals and just as many missed extra points. As a fan of generalized chaos, and someone who didn’t have to see any of my teams lose thanks to the kick curse, I am all for it.
The NFL would love for us to focus on that, because off the field, it’s all about the avalanche of dickhead emails Jon Gruden sent to various people over the last 20 years that were uncovered in the investigation into the Washington Team being a dickhead franchise. The emails are so bad that Gruden has stepped down, which is hilarious. The exciting thing is that this is quite probably just the shitstained tip of an iceberg of NFL people being outed as the scum of the earth we know so many of them are. The NFL is about 100 years overdue for a reckoning, and I would love little more than to see the league face an existential threat. I hope whatever comes out is as damaging as possible to the league’s reputation.

• Rams over Geno Smith’s Seahawks yikes
  The Seahawks were really in the thick of this until Russell Wilson bumped his finger on Aaron Donald and it exploded. Smith had a bit of a surge at the end, but my god, I do NOT like this team’s prospects with Wilson sidelined for at least a month. This is probably the end of Seattle’s season, which turns eyes toward whatever reckoning waits for them in the offseason as Pete Carroll is 70 billion years old, hasn’t put out a competent defense since Earl Thomas flipped him the bird, and seems to have pissed off the team’s future-hall-of-fame QB. The Rams meanwhile survive a lackluster performance in a division game on the road, which is something really good teams do.
  
• Flacons toss the Jets back across the pond
  Not sure why I picked a struggling rookie QB with a suspect roster in an international game. The Falcons will remain shitty, but they have to be happy about this breakout game from Kyle Pitts, who is under extreme pressure to continue the Tony Gonzales-Roddy White-Julio Jones lineage. Highlight of this London game for me was hearing about (not watching, who would watch a game at 6 in the morning wtf?) the reception for the Chris Wesselling tribute. The Around the NFL Podcast co-host had cancer for the first time while my mom was sick, went into remission around the time she died, then he died last year while I was at my Bubbe’s funeral, so his whole progression feels very intwined with my grieving process for both of them. Knowing how many people were affected by that par asocial relationship was strangely meaningful for me.
  
• Steelers… Oh god, why??
  Uuuuuuugh I just want my team to not be bad anymore, is that so much to ask? Of all the teams to lose to, as well! And it’s not like the Broncos looked that much worse than usual, the Steelers just somehow fixed their own issues suddenly at the wrong time. I’ve predicted a Najee Harris breakout game most weeks, then of course this is the week it actually happens. We seems to be missing Bradley Chubb more than predicted, as our pass rush is essentially just Von Miller breaking through every once in awhile, and in this game where I wanted so bad to trash the QB, instead he had clean pockets all day and hit receivers that consistently took advantage of bad slip-ups. There were a thousand opportunities to turn this around and the Broncos didn’t manage it until too late. I wish we could see Vic Fangio build a team without Pat Shurmur, but he seems to have hitched himself to that broken wagon.
  
• Packers eventually hit a kick in OT, Bengals do not
  A hilarious comedy of errors as both teams combine for something like 6 missed kicks in the final 3 minutes of regulation + overtime. I loved it the whole way, and was happy for Mason Crosby when he finally got his redemption. The right team won this, but the Bengals did what I thought they might: announced their seriousness as a honest-to-goodness threat by legitimately hanging with a top-tier team.
  
• Saints over Washington
  Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but the Saints just comfortably won a game in which they didn’t particularly play well, but had a seemingly infinite number of random flukes go their way (this time it even included an end-of-half Hail Mary)!
  
• Buccaneers bury Dolphins
  Remember when Tom Brady consistently struggle against the Dolphins even when his team was theoretically way better? Those were the days.
  
• Eagles upset Panthers
  The old, ghost-seeing, mono-out-indefinitely-ing Sam Darnold finally showed up for the Panthers. A lot had to go wrong for Carolina to let the Eagles walk away with this one, but the regression to the mean with Christian McCaffrey and other injuries seems real. Philly isn’t quite the disaster I expected, but they’re way too froggy about their upcoming Thursday tilt with Dallas. That’s gonna be a rude awakening I think.
  
• Vikings twist the dagger in Detroit’s chest
  The Lions once again had a team on the ropes. They shut down Kirk Cousins in the second half and took the lead with less than a minute to go. Then Minnesota hit a long kick on a day when it seemed the uprights were cursed in every other instance, and the Lions were toast, again. They’re way better than their 0-5 record, but in the end, of course, you are what your record says you are. I don’t blame Dan Campbell for crying in his press conference, and in fact I think it’s refreshing that his brand of masculinity can include the confidence to own your emotions. The NFL needs that.
  
• Patriots beat Texans but… Not by nearly enough…
  Davis Mills nearly pulled a Brock Osweiller! I wish Houston had finished it out, but it’s nice to see the shine coming off of New England’s mystique week by week.
  
• Titans beat Jags
  I’m sure Urban Meyer is relieved to be sitting there holding Jon Gruden’s beer (probably a Corona with lime) after the last week, but the on-the-field product still smells like a one-and-done tenure, if he even makes it the full one.
  
• Da Bears over Rrrrrrrraidahs!
  If I had known the extent of the Gruden drama I would absolutely have picked the Bears. Vegas came out really flat and got romped over in front of a home crowd for the first time since leaving Oakland. Some games mark two ships passing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bears and their new Justin Fields-centered offense rise to the place the Raiders recently occupied, while the now-Rich-Bisaccia-led Raiders plummet to the strugglesville that Chicago is escaping.
  
• Chargers score so goddamn many points, Browns score slightly less
  Cleveland becomes the first team on record to notch over 400 yards with 0 turnovers and still lose a game. That’s just so Brownsian it hurts.
  
• Cardinals over 49ers
  Arizona have proven themselves week after week, and no matter how it happens, every win still counts in the standings. But it would be great if this game hadn’t come down to stonewalling Trey Lance at the goalline on 4th down. This is why despite being my Don Shula Award Finalist, the Cardinals are not on top of my rankings.
  
• Cowboys beat Giants and also beat them the fuck up
  Just as football twitter was joking about how Kadarius Toney, who beat OBJ’s record for most single-game receiving yards by a rookie, was the only player left for the Giants, Toney got ejected for punching a Cowboys player in the helmet. Brutal.
  
• Bills!!!!!!!!! Chiefs!!!!!!!!
  This season in fantasy I made a deal with the devil by drafting Pat Mahomes, so that the Chiefs’ success would mean my success, and my failure would mean their failure. My check became due this week, as I lost by 5 points in a game where Mahomes fell 20 points shy of his projection. Of course, it also would have helped if I hadn’t just benched the Dolphins RB for being totally ineffective only to see him put up like 35 points. Fuck fantasy football, y’all.
  
• Lamar Jackson owns the Colts’ shit (in OT)
  But he’s really just a glorified running back, right?