Week 4 Results 2021

This week I didn’t watch any football games on Sunday. I only picked 6 winners right, my Broncos lost, and I lost over half of my fake money. And I had one of the best weekends of my life.

• Bengals over Philanderers
  The Thursday game was technically a good and exciting one. The Jaguars looked for the first time this season like a team that could win a game! Trevor Lawrence proved worthy of his draft position! Then the Bengals made a thrilling comeback! Then they kicked a last-second game-winning field goal! Fun! Buuuuut then Urban Myer went and buried those storylines by getting filmed at a bar having some college student grind on him??? Look, maybe he and his wife have a legitimate mutual agreement that permits this stuff, the problem I have is that he’s a creepy old man. It is kinda hilarious for the 0-4 Jaguars to be hit with such a petty scandal though.
  
• Giants over whatever the fuck the Saints are this season (in OT)
  I should have gone with my instinct to pick the Giants upset. Everyone just assumed that playing a bad team and returning to the Superdome for the first time since Hurricane Irma meant the Saints were a lock. I think a lot of that assumption came from flashbacks to the return after Katrina, which was such a different situation. Even in their wins the Saints have been kind of a mess, it’s just that in two out of four games it’s been a beautiful mess and the other two have been an ugly mess. This could turn out to be the most entertaining and unpredictable 9-8 team we’ve ever seen.
  
• Browns over Vikings
  Who needs offenses with defenses like these?
  
• Chiefs over Eagles
  I spent a lot of fantasy auction draft money on Patrick Mahomes. That way he can either be bad and sink the Chiefs, or he can be good and bolster my team! It’s been a great strategy, except this week my opponent had Tyreek Hill. Ugh.
  
• Colts over Dolphins
  I love a good early-season game between two teams that could theoretically end up in the wild card race. It’s been tough sledding for both of these teams, but a game like this one sure feels like it clarifies which direction they’re both heading.
  
• Bears over Failcats
  If the Lions have hit a wall like they did in this game, they will probably win very few games going forward. They shot themselves in the foot so many times. If the Bears have turned a corner like they did in this game, they will probably win several games going forward. They progressed into the Justin Fields era so well.
  
• Cowboys over Panthers 😦
  I bet on Carolina overcoming the loss of their transcendent running back and their hotshot rookie corner. Maybe they could have coped without one of them, but the combined loss was way too much, unfortunately. This sure seems like one of those seasons where Dallas runs away with a shitty division and then makes the Surprised Pikachu face when they get bounced in the playoffs.
  
• Bills blank Texans
  The Texans were “feistier” than a couple of other teams in the first month of the season, but this is why I kept them at the bottom of my rankings. Buffalo razed them to the ground in the Bills’ second shutout win in three weeks.
  
• Jets beat Titans!!!
  Well how about that! (Tennessee was missing Julio Jones and AJ Brown and still seem locked into the AFC 4 seed.)
  
• Washingtons over Failbirds
  Fuckin’ Falcons, smh
  
• Seahawks over Niners
  This division is ridiculous, and now we add Trey Lance to the mix??
  
• Cards beat Rams for the first time in 9 games
  I’ve been quite reserved in my reaction to the Cardinals’ recent success, but they have my attention now. They’re the last undefeated team in the league, they beat Sean McVay for the first time, Kyler Murray is the odds-on fave for MVP, and they’ve scored over 30 points in every game. That shit might be real. Good for Kyler.
  
• Ravens clobber Broncos
  I’m not the first person to point this out but this game seemed a lot like the rest of the Broncos’ seasons since Super Bowl 50. It felt simultaneously like a close game where we just made a couple mistakes, and a blowout where we never had a shot. Why are we the only team in the league that has spent the entire 2020s acting like it’s impossible to score points in the NFL? Let’s hope Teddy Bridgewater’s concussion is not a serious one, because Drew Lock is a trigger for many trauma reactions in me.
  
• Packers and, arguably, refs, over Steelers
  I guess the Steelers had a kick block return TD erased on an iffy offside call. Shit like this happens all the time to less-whiny fanbases and we don’t hear jack about it. But call a 50/50 penalty against Pittsburgh and it’s national news. Glad they lost, very emotionally invested in their trip to Denver next week.
  
• Bucs Ugh Pats
  Absolutely the fuck not.
  
• Chargers and actual literal lightning over Raiders and their second-home field advantage
  I guess I kinda get why the Chargers had to delay the game in a lightning storm even though the stadium is technically a dome? What I don’t get is why so many people love these awful Chargers uniforms.