Week 3 Results 2021

Turns out based on this week, both Vegas and I are only about 50% reliable. I’m even worse against the spread. For the next week I will be in Wedding Mode, so I’m gonna pretty much totally phone in my week 4 shit. Doesn’t really matter since nobody reads these!

• Panthers suffer Pyrrhic victory against the Texans
  The easy part was absolutely demolishing Davis Mills. The hard part is gonna be surviving the multi-week hamstring injury to Christian McCaffrey. And just after I dropped Chuba Hubbard on fantasy!
  
• Saints over Pats
  I don’t know what’s going on but I’ll take it!
  
• Browns over Bears
  The Bears had fewer than 50 total offensive yards. So, maybe Justin Fields can’t fix the Bears on his own. And/or maybe the Browns defense doesn’t secretly suck.
  
• Bengals beat that son of a bitch ben roethlisberger
  That pathetic loser is full-on falling apart, it is glorious. Oh and hey, Ja’marr Chase is fun AND good!
  
• Cardinals beat Ohio State
  Urban Myer just go home bitch! This has to be the hardest loss to swallow so far for the Jags because they looked competitive for like, 3 quarters. Watching Trevor Lawrence play on this team is like watching the scene where Cameron Frye sends his dad’s 1964 Ferrari GT California through the garage window.
  
• Chargers pull a Chiefs and Chiefs pull a Chargers
  The Chiefs are in dead last in the division after 3 weeks because the Chargers gritted out a tough win marked by key turnovers. The script is fully flipped. I’m sure it’s temporary, but it sure is fun for now. Andy Reid took an ambulance to the hospital after the game “as a precaution” so that’s how the rich use healthcare.
  
• Titans beat Colts
  Wentz did okay playing on 0 ankles, but the Titans are doing a great job burying their week 1 flop in a pile of rushing yards from King Henry and Ryan Tannehill.
  
• Giants… Oh, Giants, why?
  Both teams seemed to want to lose the game, but the Giants just… They look… Entirely pathetic, I guess? It’s rough.
  
• Justin Tucker kicks a ball from Baltimore to Detroit!!!!!!!
  After giving up the lead late in the game, the Ravens convert a 4th and like 18 and wish away a delay-of-game to set up Tucker, probably the GOAT of kickers, for a 66-yard field goal, which he nails off the crossbar for the win. The real kicker is that this is the second time the Lions have lost 17-19 on a record-setting field goal. Which is just so Lions. If the kicking record can’t belong to a Bronco it should belong to Tucker.
  
• Bills over Washington
  Buffalo has crafted two of the most smothering and overwhelming outings of the last two weeks. My Josh Allen MVP pick doesn’t look incredible but my Bills 2-seed prediction is alive and well.
  
• Broncos shut out Jets lol
  Consider this the end of the Broncos preseason. It would be nice if our opponents were better than 0-9, and if we had come out this side healthy. But 3-0 is 3-0. We can only play the teams on the schedule, and we did as well as a good team would against them. I just hope it’s not a total illusion.
  
• Raiders hate fun so they kick a FG instead of letting the game end in a tie
  It was a last-second kick, after a back-and-forth game that was entertaining if nothing else. Maybe the Dolphins would have won if they hadn’t thrown a poorly-conceived screen pass in their own end zone for a safety.
  
• Rams rule Buccaneers drool!
  I should have put the Bucs atop my power rankings earlier, because it jinxed them! Their suspect secondary finally hit a team that could take advantage. It’s just so beautiful seeing Matt Stafford succeed. Almost as beautiful as Tom Brady losing and being sad about it. I hope Antonio Brown has COVID every week.
  
• Seahawks hate me
  They seem to make an art of losing against the teams I most want them to beat. Their good stretches are seeming more and more aberrant and their sieve of a defense and stagnant offense are looking more like the baseline. Then again, they have had periods of looking like shit just about every year, so who knows.
  
• Packers give SNF viewers our money’s worth
  The Packers started the year with 6 quarters of concerning football. They’ve now had 6 quarters of good shit and I think that’s who they’re going to be moving forward. If Aaron Rodgers was checked out of football, he’s definitely checked back in after driving into range for a game-winning kick with 37 seconds and 0 time outs. He was legitimately misty-eyed in the postgame interview. Good shit all around.
  
• Cowboys beat Eagles probably
  Did I write this after the game, or did I write it Sunday night so that unless the Eagles pull off an upset I can just have it written already? You’ll never know.