What are we all doing here? There’s still a pandemic happening. There’s a climate crisis finally making itself undeniably known as opposed to just obviously impending. Liberals are finally starting to realize that America’s fascism problem was not voted out of office, though it’ll still probably take them at least 8 more years to realize it’s baked into the fabric of the country. My wedding is in less than a month. The last super bowl took place while I was at my grandmother’s funeral. They keep moving the release date for the new Ghostbusters movie.
And yet the NFL persists. Not only that but it’s 17 games now over the course of 18 weeks. All of this with no extra compensation for the players. Nice union you’ve got there, fellas. I’m sure I’ll be happy about the extra week of games at some point, but it is going to take me at least 10 years to adjust to the final records of every team adding up to 17 instead of 16. I mean, I still call the Chargers “San Diego” so maybe I’ll just never adjust. It’s the NFL, it’s not worth adjusting to.
My full game-by-game season prediction can be found here. The division-by-division results, along with bracket and awards predictions, are below.
AFC NORTH
I gave the Browns the division, but I am wary of my own prediction because they had an easy schedule and a good record in close games last season, a statistic that notoriously predicts regression the next season. The Ravens should keep reaching the postseason most years through the Lamar Jackson era unless he gets COVID. I think Ben Roethlisberger will start the season looking like he’s “back” and then be cooked again by December, because that’s how these things work. The poor Bengals are trying their best but still an easy win for most of their opponents.
AFC SOUTH
Still the laughingstock division. The Titans might not be able to ride Derrick Henry to division titles forever, but with the Colts helmed by last year’s Worst Starting QB, the Jags breaking in a new everything, and the Texans acting like a one-man relegation league, it should be easy for them to squeak into the playoffs.
AFC EAST
Between the Bills’ antivaxxing, the Pats’ trump connections, the Dolphins’ authoritarian anti-protest rules during the Kaepernick era, and the Jets’ owner literally working for the trump administration as UK ambassador… Is this the most politically awful division in the league?
Unfortunately, I see more success for Macorkle Jones than for Tua, so this division is gonna be no fun at all. Zach Wilson will be robbed of OROY honors by his team’s terrible roster.
AFC WEST
I did not manipulate the results of my predictions to get the Broncos into the playoffs, it just turns out we have a devastatingly easy schedule. The Chargers could take that spot, though, if the coaching from Brandon Staley is good. I know the neutral fan would much rather see Justin Herbert in the playoffs than Teddy Two-Gloves. Doesn’t matter either way because one fluke loss to Gruden every once in awhile seems to be the only bone the Chiefs throw the rest of the division.
NFC NORTH
Easiest division to predict. The Packers aren’t getting to the Super Bowl because they’re cursed but the North belongs to them until Rodgers actually leaves. The Bears won’t start Justin Fields until it’s too late to actually find out if Matt Nagy can run an offense with a real QB. Mike Zimmer will quit after Kirk Cousins super spreads through the locker room in week 5. I keep wondering if everyone is sleeping on the Lions just because they look like a terrible idea on paper. But… Nah, that’s ridiculous, right?
NFC SOUTH
I will still hope for the Saints to win this division, since I don’t wish to be disowned by the city of New Orleans and I have Alvin Kamara on my fantasy team, but they sure are making rooting hard with Jameis Winston starting. The Buccaneers can go die in a pit, though. Panthers sneak in because I’m banking of Sam Darnold being the beneficiary of the No More Adam Gase Bump. The Falcons really should win more than 3 games but I had a hard time finding them on the schedule.
NFC EAST
I find myself almost rooting for the Washingtons? I know the owner and organization are still sex-trafficking garbage but Ryan Fitzpatrick leading a dumpster fire team with no name is just poetry. Their defense is the best unit in this division, but it’s really anyone’s game. The Giants snuck into the 7 seed in my projection and might have the most balanced roster, and Dak’s return is huge for the Cowboys, so I wouldn’t count either of them out. You can count out the Eagles though.
NFC WEST
Is my pick of the Seahawks as the best non-playoff record in the NFC self-flagellating? Maybe a little, but come on, how long can they just keep avoiding the inevitable collapse? They shouldn’t be considered contenders like the Niners (who could upend the idea that you can’t have a true rotation at the QB position) and Rams (who I would love to see do well just because Matt Stafford [sorta] deserves it). The Cardinals will see the end of the Cliff Kingsbury experiment, including an entertaining tie with Dan Quinn’s Lions.
AWARDS:
MVP: Josh Allen
Coach of the Year: Kyle Shanahan
Offensive Player of the Year: Patrick Mahomes
Defensive Player of the Year: Aaron Donald
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Justin Fields
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Micah Parsons
Comeback Player of the Year: Dak Prescott
The award for Best Statistical QB Season will be Josh Allen, Best QB Who Won MVP Too Recently To Get It Again is Mahomes. Best QB Who’s A Rookie is Fields, but I could see it going to any of the 4 I expect to start this season (Lawrence, Wilson, Jones). The hot pick for DPOY is TJ Watt but he might not even play the whole season if he doesn’t get his contract. If the voters can find an excuse to give DROY and CPOY to the Cowboys instead of to Patrick Surtain II and Joe Burrow.
The Browns are gonna win the Super Bowl!!! I don’t know how much I actually believe this, but I might as well predict it, because picking a Super Bowl winner without any football to actually base it on is a fools errand. And yet here I am doing it despite nobody asking me or even wanting me to. Well, tough. Cleveland will storm through Belichick, Josh Allen, and Kansas City to beat San Fran in a slugfest. Biggest upset is probably Daniel Jones’ giants making the Pack one-and-done, but doesn’t that sound like something that would happen?
Well, that’s it, now you know how the whole season is going to go. Enjoy the season, or more accurately, please do not enjoy the season because the NFL does not deserve any of our support. Fuck those guys.
Dangersquirrel vs the NFL 